You haven’t heard about Pool Games? Guess you haven’t been tapped.
Do you miss the fun of playing childhood games like Star, Categories, Toothpaste, Shark, Sharks and Minnows, Marco Polo, Mermaids, Waterbending, Color, Chicken Fight, Poison Ivy, Spider, or having funny hair competitions, doing poses when you jump off the diving board, diving for rings, having underwater handstands contests, or even pushing your friends off of floats? Do you want to get out of the swim test? Well, you’re in luck, Columbia’s most exclusive club can and will fulfill your wildest dreams.
Based on the greatest pool games of our youth, Columbia Pool Games aims to connect childlike wonder, intense game theory, intimate community rituals, and athletic excellence. Don’t let the simplicity of the games fool you–CPG takes each activity very seriously.
Where? Uris Pool.
When? Remember all those times you got an email about Uris Pool being closed? Yeah, that was Columbia Pool Games, sending out a secret message to CPGamers that it was time to assemble.
The clandestine club doesn’t limit itself to Uris Pool. Some meetings involve bedazzling goggles and swim caps, ensuring that everyone has the appropriate uniform. These meetings usually take place in the Milstein single-use bathrooms at spontaneous hours or in Avery at 11:01 pm. Other sessions involve “land practice” where the Pool Games are played on the lawns before sunrise. We also occasionally conduct practice in the fountains on low, as you may have noticed. During dire times, we encourage CPGamers to practice in their bathtubs or slow-drain communal showers.
As an invite-only club, each member must prove their passion for pool games by being an outspoken Pool Games enthusiast and wearing their bedazzled CPG swim caps to class for a week straight.
Here’s a quote from CPG President (name redacted): “Maintaining our craft is of the utmost importance and nothing, not even snow, global pandemics, climate crises, or the inability to swim will stop CPG.”
Columbia Pool Games is part of a time-honored university tradition. Many Nobel laureates, world leaders, acclaimed authors, and Greta Gerwig have been a part of CPG. Over a century ago, Zora Neale Hurston organized the first “land game” session on Butler lawns! To this day, President Barack Obama always carries his bedazzled goggles with him. With its notable alumni and commitment to both athletic and academic rigor, CPG is the perfect addition to any Columbia student’s resume.
*DISCLAIMER: this is not to be confused with pool games, lowercase (such as Billiards/8-Ball).
Swimmers via Staff Writers
Pool via Free Range