Columbia has gone sour. 

In a statement earlier today, Columbia Dining announced they would be replacing all beverage dispensers, as well as various other food and non-food items, with cow milk products. This change is set to take place immediately and within a twenty-block radius of campus. The full text of the Columbia Dining email is attached below. Editor’s note: It’s best to read it with your own eyes instead of us reproducing a summary here.

This change is sure to wholly impact Columbia’s campus and community. While most students are expected to be overjoyed, the United Federation of Dairy Cows (UFDC) has allegedly started talks of striking, anticipating the increase in work hours with little grass in proportional compensation. This is a developing story. 

Email from Columbia Dining sent to students at 7:26 am on Saturday, September 30: 

Dear students, 

In the coming hours, minor changes will be made in the Columbia Dining locations around campus. Every beverage dispenser on campus will now dispense one option: milk. 

This is part of an effort to consolidate beverage options in order to maximize the availability of student preferences and prioritize student bone health. Columbia Dining is partnering with Columbia EcoReps to bring this sustainable option to campus. As trucks will no longer be carrying supplies for various beverages in the drink machines and instead focus on one singular beverage, cow milk, Columbia’s carbon emissions are set to decrease by 80%. The milk used will be from free-range pasture-raised pro-choice ultra-pasteurized non-censored high-in-vitamin-D freedom-of-speech-and-religion grass-fed cows. Definitely not powdered milk. 

The beverage dispensers that will convert to milk will include Coca-Cola Freestyle machines, other standard beverage machines, every dining hall and non-dining hall coffee machine on campus, water fountains, showers, and sinks (e.g. all sources of hydration). If need be, toilets, lawn sprinklers, and fire sprinklers will also be converted to milk sources. In addition to altering beverage machines, we also plan on changing the following to milk-producers: condiment dispensers, smoothie and milkshake offerings, liquid medicine, and liquid cleaning supplies. These changes will occur not only in campus-affiliated buildings, but everywhere within a twenty block radius of Columbia. 

In anticipation of sour milk’s potential future presence on campus, we’re allocating $2 billion to create an Environmentalbiochemistryzoology department. This department will set in motion research developing a genetically-engineered form of cow milk immune to going sour. Additionally, it will provide courses on milk economics and production to a select group of dedicated students. 

We have also taken dietary restrictions into consideration throughout this period of change. For those who are vegan or lactose intolerant, we plan to set up rain collection devices throughout campus by 2025. For those unable to reasonably stay on campus due to the changes, we are opening up greater academic advisor meeting slots to discuss transfer options. 

Utterly creaming, 

Columbia Dining 

Columbia Earlier Today via Author