Here are the best and the worst places for your Number 1 and Number 2.

Inspired by the 2012 and 2018 Editions of “Poopin’ in Pupin,” I have made it my goal to cartograph Barnumbia’s public bathrooms. Throughout this semester, I’ve encountered the worst, the best, and the sufficient. In the spirit of our modern age, I will divide the bathrooms into three categories: “red flags,” “green flags,” and “beige flags.” This is by no means an exhaustive list (hence edition 3), so if you have a bathroom you enjoy, comment below! 

The Red Flags 

Lerner Floor 3: With Ferris right around the corner, it is no wonder that this bathroom quickly gets dirty. The worst part is the random toilet paper strewn about. It is probably an okay bathroom in the morning, but once the foot traffic (and food poisoning) sets in, I suggest avoiding it. 

Uris Floor 2: This bathroom was twice as bad as Lerner Floor 3 restrooms: more toilet paper, more questionably wet floors, and more unwiped toilet seats. This bathroom has given me an aversion to the rest of the Uris bathrooms. 

IAB Floor 4: The level of ickiness was on par with Uris Floor 2 Bathrooms. I gingerly set my bag on the tiled floor. I held my breath, so I did not have to exhale the musty toilet air. 

Fairchild Floor 6: The approximately four bathrooms on this floor are all single-use, so I expected them to be well-kept. Two of them had unflushed toilets. Plus, the bathroom I did decide to use had certain residues on the toilet lid. 

Diana Lower Level 1: This bathroom was downright frightening. In addition to the red flag attributes mentioned above, the yellow lighting accented the gray interior with a sickly hue. Since I was the only person there in a long line of bathroom stalls, I felt like I was transported into the shady gas station restroom of a suspense film. 

The Green Flags

Butler Floor 5: Want a quick bathroom break from studying? Look no further than Butler Floor 5. It is quiet, bright, and clean, all hours of the day. Each stall has a foldable table that you can place your water, phone, etc as you do your business. 

Milstein Floor 5: It has a pretty similar atmosphere like Butler Floor 5. I enjoy the cute Barnard bear reminder to flush the toilet, put down the toilet seat, and wash your hands. The reminder works because the bathroom is clean!

Fayerweather Floor 2: This is the holy grail of bathrooms. As soon as you enter, you are immersed in the golden glow and fragrance of the glory that is this bathroom. With marbled floors and countertops–oh and don’t forget, the stall mirrors bordered in gold–you are in a restroom fit for Mt. Olympus. 

The Beige Flags 

Lerner Floor 5: This bathroom is as average as public bathrooms get. It is kept clean and always has toilet paper. However, it does not always have paper towels.

Mathematics Floor 2: This bathroom is like Lerner Floor 5. Its main caveat is that it can get crowded and cramped during class rush hours. 

Teacher’s College Floor 1: This bathroom is homey and would be categorized as a “green flag” if not for its lack of stalls and long line of people using it. 

Faculty House Ground Floor: This bathroom reminds me of the restrooms in 4-star hotel lobbies. Its main “beige flag” quality is that it is not the most accessible bathroom, unless you’re dining at Fac House. 

So there you have it. 12 bathrooms for you to avoid, savor, or tolerate. The lesson of this article is that if you got to go, you got to go. But when you have a choice (and no bursting bladder), you have the power to make your 5-minute bathroom experience the best it can be. 

Toilet paper via Bwog Archives.