Staff writers Luken Sloan and Helen Chen laugh it off for improv.

On Friday and Saturday, Third Wheel, a famed Columbia improv group, hosted their annual Spare Tires Festival. Troupes from Harvard, Yale, UVA, NYU, Brown, and Georgetown performed alongside Third Wheel and Fruit Paunch, Columbia’s oldest improv group.

Friday’s night of performances was held in the Wang Pavilion, featuring performances from Fruit Paunch, Harvard’s Immediate Gratification Players and Three Letter Acronym, Yale’s Purple Crayon, and Third Wheel. 

Fruit Paunch started the night by asking for a suggestion from the audience: sweep. Their first set of scenes consisted of a high school bigshot—the “king” of fantasy league football. They were so popular that they exclaimed “Elon Musk tweeted at me.” When the best friend of the king goes into her mom’s Tesla, she finds Elon Musk waiting there to murder her. Bewildered, she questions such a situation, and she is met with a deadpan response: “We kill people, yes.” 

The most topical bit, though, was that of two teenage sweepers in the candy factory of Mr. Jefferson: “Why do two people have to sweep an entire factory? Mr. Jefferson makes millions and yet refuses to hire more.” The answer from the other sweeper? “If you had worked a little bit harder…” Hmmm, that sounds slightly familiar. 

The first of Harvard’s troupes, IGP, followed Fruit Paunch. For anyone asking, they wore their signature red and yellow ties. Their crowd-suggested word was museum. Countless Night of the Museum allusions were made. A pair of daughters was left at a museum, and their mom peed her pants (it was imaginary!) when a police officer told her about her children being missing, of which this is not the first occurrence. 

The funniest storyline was about a painter painting a portrait of a model. In a surprising twist, the dates—and even a back-up date—arrive five hours early to the house where the painting is taking place. Shenanigans ensued—and a bit of entangled relationships as well.

Yale’s Purple Crayon improv group came after IGP. Their word was elevator. The first scene had the widest imaginary elevator I have ever had the pleasure of seeing, and it was the elevator to a hotel that contained 35 floors. There is one caveat, though: only the first three floors and the last floor have residents—the rest do not exist! The reason? A money-laundering scheme. Regrettably for the masterminds, the IRS was onto them. Scenes between the money-laundering and IRS precinct improvisers rapidly came in and out of focus. Notable takeaways: donuts that look like beef jerky (but taste like donuts), Des Moines being the home of promising young professionals, and a shark-dog. 

Also, consider this: “The best way to grieve? Communism.”

Harvard’s other improv group, TLA, then took the stage. This was the first group to introduce improv games. They played two: Ding and Oscar Moments. Ding consisted of improvisers trying to please a head improviser who made a “ding” sound when he wanted a different action or line. This game’s word was sausage. The main plot line consisted of a sister duo, one of whom liked to eat the plastic soles of shoes: “I like it melted so that you cannot taste the carcinogens anymore.”

The second game they played, Oscar Moments, consisted of improvisers having to give speeches in the style of Oscar acceptance speeches when music started playing. For this game, the given word was ginger, which manifested in the form of ginger ale. More specifically, it was about a duo of brothers in Kansas who were offered a joint position in the C-Suite of Canada Dry, without any prior experience, because their step-dad was the CEO. Truthfully, all of the Oscar moment speeches were equally hilarious and heartfelt.

Third Wheel rounded the night out with sketches about tractors. With hard-hitting questions such as “Would you rather have a tractor or a loving spouse?” and “Would you give up your tractor if your mother on her deathbed asked you to?” I can only imagine this is how John Deere enthusiasts feel daily. The most memorable part of Third Wheel’s performance was a scene about a teacher/surgeon character who was to teach chemistry and perform surgery without any experience: “I’m certified, but I have never done it.” Unfortunately, this line rings truer than it should. 

Saturday’s lineup included NYU’s Pasadena Golfers, Georgetown’s Improv Association, Brown’s IMPROVidence, UVA’s Whethermen, and closed with Third Wheel. 

From the back door, Pasadena Golfers burst onto the stage and took on the night with the first word, screwdriver. It became a tool to fix up a small bomb for a guy who “already paid the Teddys” for those explosives. Turns out, the guy’s client actually asked for an IUD, not an IED. Clever twist. 

IMPROVidence featured people taking on the word bubble. They enacted the final scene, where all the members will somehow pass out, and moved backward. Time (and metaphors!) became the most interesting play. “Does my rapidly expanding mind make you insecure?” Ah, yes.

A prodigy at four days old who’s able to fold laundry like a pro then meets another prodigy who becomes subject to a greedy scientist who leads them to a testing center. Their brains are so big that, when they’re in this room together, one of them says “I am getting claustrophobic.” Their Achilles heel is claustrophobia. They all pass out at the testing center—classic! 

The DC group, Georgetown Improv Association, pulled up with wiffleball, and impressed the audience with an out-of-the-field accent game “toot nice and toot proud.” Then they served DC regional specialty, a presidential debate. Question: “Did you or did you not silent fart?” 

After a short round of accusations, the show concluded with a turn to the “Johnsons, this is family feud.” 

Nine members of UVA’s Whetherman strode onto the stage with a series of quick games that gave several members a role. Game one, Character switch; each improviser got a character that switched to another person’s role after a clap. 

Skewer took place on a very hot day for BBQ—the skewers were melting. A union member for skewers is infuriated as they get insulted by a distressed BBQ host who mocks the skewer’s melted wife and their dull point. “First, you insult my wife, and then insult my sharpness!”

Then show biz: writers and actors on two sides—one acts as director, putting on scenes evoked from movie titles and genres. Acrobats By Garbage (science fiction), Always Be Glowing (love story), and Architects Blame Girls (post-credit scene for a sequel) for example. 

Third Wheel held the final stage with baby. Improvisers shuffled onto the stage to enter the Toddler Contest before they were selected as tribute for District 12, to which two (reluctant) couples were selected. 

Then cut to intense scenes of adult conflict, between a dissatisfied daughter and detached grandpa; concerned mom and a detached teacher. The night concluded with a car parts thief caught and a triplet without a driver’s license. 

Each improviser had their moment to shine, and they all did so beautifully. The crowd on both nights enjoyed each troupe with rumbling laughs and mountainous applause before, during, and after each performance. We look forward to next year’s festival!

Spare Tires Sign via Bwog Staff