I know because I was almost one of them…

You may have recently heard about the newest (very-much-trending) docu-series on Hulu, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Many have already met these moms through TikTok—either from reposted clips of the show or, most likely, frequent content from “MomTok” itself. After seeing so many of these TikToks on our own For You Pages, my friends and I decided to finally watch the real thing.

In TSLOMW, there are eight moms: Taylor, Whitney, Jen, Mayci, Mikayla, Layla, Demi, and Jessi. Each one has a unique personality, and I’m pretty sure they only get along because of their shared love for Swig (it’s a Utah thing). Even though I’m an ex-Mormon and don’t vibe with them on the Mormon front, I too have a shared love for Swig and therefore feel as though I do connect with these moms on a personal level (and who knows, maybe one of them actually is my mom).

After (unfortunately) spending many waking hours watching TSLOMW, I feel like I’ve gotten to know each mom on a deeper level—such a deep level that I took on the role of assigning each one to a Barnumbia dining hall based on which one they are most like. Here are the results:

1. Taylor is Diana: Point, blank, period. Either you love her or you hate her. She will definitely upset your stomach and is always trying to redeem herself (like Diana with the F’Real machine…).
2. Whitney is Grace Dodge: Unfortunately, both Whitney and Grace Dodge ultimately tried so hard to be alpha wolves that they simply flopped. They crave validation, but no one will give it to them. Just like how Whitney’s last name is Leavitt, people are now “Leavitt”ing Grace Dodge because of its redesign. Whitney “left the group chat,” but were either ever really part of the chat…?
3. Jen is Barnard’s Sushi & Poke Counter: As her TikTok bio says, she’s not a regular mom; she’s a cool mom! I don’t truly know how to describe this, but her artificial, curated vibe just serves “sushi bar.” Jen is also married to Ben Affleck’s cousin and is basically famous by association, similar to how Barnard’s poke bowls are basically famous among students. Both are cutie, both very aesthetic, and both do severe damage to the bank account. 
4. Mayci is Ferris: Both are very reliable, but also try to spice things up (re: Ferris action station). Both are a solid choice if you need someone to turn to, and you can always fall back on them. There are little hidden gems in both (shoutout to the heavenly packaged brownies in Ferris’s gluten-free fridge).
5. Mikayla is Chef Mike’s: Both come with baggage, lots to unpack, and many different components that make both of them, them. They never stir up too much drama or disagreement, and can be likable depending on the day. Both are just kind of just there, you know?
6. Layla is John Jay: Most people like Layla, but some people are haters. I mean, Layla does drink alcohol after all (that’s a big no-no in momo culture), so she obviously gets backlash for that. But both Layla and John Jay are fun, always wanting to experiment and explore, constantly spicing things up (re: John Jay’s random activities and prizes you can win while eating your meal). Finally, Layla is really hot, and of course, so is the inside of John Jay.
7. Demi is Fac House: She’s a huge hit among the people. Demi truly is just one of the girls and is here for a good vibe. Always serves. Can we please make her the Queen Bee already? Enough said.
8. Jessi is Hewitt: She is the grammy of the group, and so is Hewitt! Yes, Jessi’s claim to fame is that she is the reason why all the girls have the same extensions and highlights in their hair. She has a salon and hairstyling school called “jz” pronounced “J.Z.” but if you didn’t know that, you would probably pronounce it “jizz.” Doesn’t sound very Mormon to me, but you can’t tell me Hewitt wouldn’t make the same innocent mistake. Both are our little innocent babies.

If you have an issue with these Mormon wives and their respective dining halls, feel free to take it up with me (the ex-Mormon who knows what’s up). Sadly, if you do have qualms, I just really don’t know if MomTok is going to survive it (iykyk). Stay tuned for when the second season of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives drops to see what other random Barnumbia things I can assign these moms to.

Watching Mormon Wives via Author