This squirrel is big-backed and the bane of my existence 

Twas a late summer night when I first encountered this creature. I recall this first incident as if it occurred yesterday. I was seated on the steps of Barnard Hall, waiting for my friend to arrive. I had a cookie with me, and I placed it on the steps, with a tissue underneath, of course, so I could text this friend about her estimated arrival. That is when the crime occurred. I was horrified when I looked down and saw a squirrel nibbling away at it. I adjudicated this squirrel as innocent of its first crime because it was a cutie, and I could not stay mad for long. 

Walking past Barnard Hall the next day, I saw the same squirrel terrorizing a fellow student. This student was just trying to enjoy their lunch when the squirrel tried stealing it from them. When the squirrel failed, they tried to convince this student to surrender their meal. If you are this student reading this, I am so sorry for this heinous act, and your perpetrator will be apprehended soon. 

I hadn’t seen this squirrel in a while as the 19 credits I’m taking have cost me my dilly dally time, so you can imagine my surprise when I reencountered this squirrel two weeks ago. I was walking back from Diana with my burrito bowl, chips, and water. My hands were full as I had just picked up a package from the mail center. The chips left my grasp and fell on the floor. I have never seen something run so fast for food. The chip bag was not even open, yet the squirrel had them marked as its property. Who taught this squirrel the dreaded phrase of finders, keepers, losers, weepers? This is the squirrel’s third crime, and he’s escaped justice. 

This squirrel’s last known crime occurred this past Saturday. My friend sat on the ledge of Barnard Hall, trying to enjoy her food from the Hooda Halal cart. The squirrel pulled the tray away from her and began to stuff its face. This squirrel has escaped scott-free on all previous crimes without photo evidence, but this time, I have tangible proof. 

Fatty McGee over here plotting to take the food.

The squirrel being caught red-handed.

Squirrel Images via Author