You ft. D.R.A.M., Mykki Blanco, and Alunageorge

Celebrities are great. Sex is great. Sex with celebrities, it stands to reason, must be even greater. When Bacchanal comes to campus, you’ll have your chance to follow in some famous footsteps by bedding one of the event’s musical headliners. In order to help you have a more quintessential college experience than anyone else, we’ve created a guide to help you get it on with a B-list celebrity, just like you’ve always dreamed.

Choose Your Target

A good number of musicians are making their way to Columbia. Much like Rae Sremmurd last year, AlunaGeorge is a two-person act, so you can’t really say you slept with AlunaGeorge (unless you convince them into a three-way). And opening up for the headliners are Almand and THOU SHALT NOT Entertainment, the latter of which is made up of three Columbia students. But you can get with Columbians any day, and let’s assume you want to land a headliner. Joining the minimalist/synth-pop duo AlunaGeorge, who have toured alongside Sia, are D.R.A.M., a Best Rap Performance Grammy nominee with a Billboard top 5 hit under his belt; and Mykki Blanco, a queer transgender rapper and activist who performs what Pitchfork calls “high-concept hip-hop, a swerve from the brusque, heterosexualization of nearly all mainstream rap.” If one of those catches your fancy, congratulations! If not, take a listen to some music, read some interviews, and make your pick, or resign yourself to just sleep with the first headliner you can get your hands on.

Prepare Yourself

Do everything you can to get ready for the big day. Pregame. Pregame your pregame. Postgame your pregame by creatively sneaking some booze onto Low Plaza. Try to set yourself apart with your clothing choice, whether that means a Bacchanal shirt, a sheer top, or no top at all. If it rains, consider wearing a poncho, and don’t consider much else. Listen to the performers’ music, so they can see that you’re a dedicated fan singing along (for bonus points, be able to name three of their albums). Pack everything you need for safe and enjoyable sex, and if Public Safety questions you, just make them so uncomfortable with your sexuality that they choose to leave you alone. Get there early, and go to the bathroom right before you enter Bacchanal, because once you get to your prime eye-banging spot, you’re not going to want to leave. Consider starting your plan ahead of time by sending some messages on Twitter and Instagram to your headliner of choice. Much like with internship applications, you want to establish a connection to push your “resume” to the top of the pile.

Get Their Attention

So you’ve sat through two mediocre opening acts, and you’re ready for the main event. If you’re in the middle of the crowd, get one of your friends to let you climb onto their shoulders, and bring a long pole to push away any Lion Tamers who try to stop you. Making a lot of motion will draw the performer’s eyes in your direction, but you should have something that makes you stand out – a sign, some colorful hair, a bare chest, or the like. If you’re in the front of the crowd, wait for them to go to high-five the front row, and then proposition them to perform a secret handshake. If you get a nod of approval from the performer, you’re in. If not, try your luck with the next performer – they won’t know they’re your second choice.

Get to Them

They like you, or they’re at least intrigued enough to want to learn more. Give a small bribe to a security guard to let you know where the performer vans are set up (security, not Public Safety. Repeat, do not use Public Safety to try to get laid). You’re going to have to wait around until the concert ends, but if your experience mirrors Dorothy’s from last year, the crowd will thin and you’ll be able to convince security and the performers to let you into the vans. We’re not going to tell you precisely what to do from here – just have fun at the hotel.

Get a Picture

Believe it or not, this is significantly more important than the act itself. Your picture is how you’re going to prove that it happened, and announce it to the world. Try to get something cute with the two of you together, like friends from summer camp who will never see each other again. Do not take a photo of your partner passed out – this will not make the discourse kind to you. Keeping it to yourself and your friends is fine, but if you choose to go very public, please make a Buy Sell Meme out of it, in tribute to the true spirit of Spring 2017.

Artist’s rendition via Getty Images