in here reside some of the hardest workers on campus

Staff writer Sarah Braner unveils the reason behind the ungodly sluggishness of the Barnard Hall elevators. 

Many of us have had a class in Barnard Hall. However, if you have had a class on the third floor or above, you are probably aware of the elevator situation: They’re slow. Really slow.

Well, there’s a reason the Barnard Hall elevators are the way they are. For they are not powered by newfangled hydraulics or anything the kids love so much these days. It’s just a bunch of mice with a pulley system.

Don’t believe me? Step into one of the elevators, making sure you’re alone. Say “God, why is this elevator so slow?” three times, and if the mice approve of your presence, they’ll take you to the secret floor below the tunnel. (Might want to bring a book for the journey.) When the doors open, there you will see it: just a line of mice and a rope.

You might have some questions. Why are they here? Do they know the Rat King of Lerner Hall? That rope looks like it’s seen better days, are we all in danger every time we take the elevator? Why haven’t they formed a union? (You probably didn’t need to come all this way to answer that last one.) These are questions I am not permitted to answer, but if they have approved of your presence this far, you may find the answers you seek.

Just be sure not to piss them off, or you’ll be doomed to take the stairs for all eternity…

ye who enter here via Bwog Archives