Three cheers for living in a surveillance state! 

Last night, Barnard President (and soon to be NYPD Commissioner) Laura Rosenbury announced that due to “inflammatory posts with violent imagery and specific calls for action against the Barnard College community,” anybody entering campus on December 9 may have their bag searched. 

When I read this email, I was elated! God, I love having my bag searched by Barnard College! In order to celebrate this occasion, I’ve compiled a list of my favorite things about having my bag searched by this lovely dictatorial institution: 

  1. You feel so much safer because you know someone is making sure you are safe and secure everywhere—not just on campus, but in your bag! Who knows, maybe one day you’ll be reaching into your bag, when all of a sudden a can of pepper spray you’ve never seen before materializes and gets you right in the face. Maybe the UnitedHealthcare CEO shooter is hiding in your bag, and he wants to target you, since maybe in your spare time someone made you the CEO of an insurance corporation! 
  1. The chance of being featured on Barnard’s Instagram, showcasing their new campus safety policies. You just hope you look hot and school-spirited enough to be a part of their new school culture social media campaign. 
  1. The increasing amount of surveillance and stripping of autonomy that will continue to be pushed upon Barnard students, especially ushering into a second Trump presidency. Really, guys—I’m just tired of thinking for myself and having to make my own decisions. You’ll tell me exactly what I need to do to not be punished? I’m all for it. 
  1. You receive a friendly reminder of the things you have in your bag that you don’t regularly interact with. Oh, hello bag of crushed up Smarties! Hello used Kleenex! Hello… toothbrush head??? 
  1. Showing off the Bold, Beautiful, Barnard, you! Getting your bag searched gives you an opportunity to be bold by saying “Yes!” to giving up your personal privacy in support of community goals (isn’t that what socialism is, everyone?). You can be beautiful by saying “Yes!” to showing off your cool Vera Bradley wallet, crocheted headband, and bedazzled AirPods. You are Barnard by saying “Yes!” to living under a surveillance state that doesn’t care about you and instead only cares about pandering to its donors, instead of caring about the freedom of students, faculty, and staff alike. 
  1. The hope that when your bag is checked, it will be dumped out entirely, giving you the excuse to reorganize the entire contents of your bag, something you have been putting off for months. 
  1. Maybe, as you’re getting your bag checked, your crush stops by and sees all the really cool things you have in your bag. They slow down, eyes sparkling, hair pulled behind them in a messy bun—“Wow—I had no idea you keep things in there from over a year ago. You’re so dedicated. And the fact that the entire lining of your bag has started to come off due to wear and tear? I like a thrifty girl.” 
  1. Knowing that Barnard doesn’t have to give a reason to search you, or tell you what they’re searching for, in order to maintain that cool Barnard Baddie liberal arts mystique. 
  1. Being late to class because of getting your bag checked, which is totally cool right before finals, because who needs that extra review session anyways.
  1. Understanding that every single person—and not just President Rosenbury, right?—will feel much safer about students getting their bags checked. This should be a permanent policy, right guys?

Laura Rosenbury’s email, edited via Bwog Staff