Why would a man be there?

When I committed to Barnard, I naively assumed that, as a historically women’s college, our residence halls would be a sanctuary—that sightings of men would be rare. Oh, what a fool I was to hope for such a thing. They’re everywhere, always spawning when I least expect it. And while I have plenty of hate in my heart for every male passerby, I want to highlight my frustration with these particular archetypes:

3. The Stray

This is the man who seems to have snuck into the Quad. His chaperone is nowhere to be seen; he roams the halls alone or (worse) sits by himself in the lounges. One night, I walked into the lounge on my floor to heat up a little snack, and a man sitting alone at the table perked up to flash me a look of judgment—as if I was the one who was not supposed to be there. Spare me. Where is the Barnard Baddie who signed you in? Are you on time out? What did you do? More importantly, what are you still doing here?

2. The Honorary Resident

This is self-explanatory. Thank God I don’t deal with this on my floor (I can’t imagine getting up in the morning to brush my teeth and the first person I run into being a man), but I’ve heard plenty of complaints from my friends. And I’d like to clarify that I do not use the term ‘honorary’ warmly. This man just seems to fancy himself an honorary member of our community. My brother, you live across the street. Please, go home.

1. The Weirdo

This is the worst of the worst. Not only does The Weirdo’s pee end up everywhere, but he also does not flush! Ivy League education, yet these men still don’t know restroom etiquette.

Editor’s Note: This article has been updated to remove potentially harmful material.

Sulz Lounge via Bwarchives