When you can’t count on your physic’s professor’s final curve, at least you can count on CUMB. Tonight, they delivered humor and more in, that’s right, Butler 209! Find this semester’s Orgo Night script below.
UPDATE, 12/15/17, 6 pm: This post has been updated to include the final version of the script that was actually read last night.
Earlier today, Bwog received this message from the Columbia University Marching Band, with strict instructions not to release the information contained within until 11:30 pm. In the future, if you wish to address us, please address us with ‘Greetings, Your Undying Majesty’ instead of ‘Hi.’
Tonight, Orgo Night will be held in Butler 209. One year ago, we were told that, after 63 straight semesters of holding Orgo Night in Butler 209, we were no longer allowed to continue this tradition in the library. This semester, we decided that we would no longer accept the University’s decrees meant to silence us and destroy one of the few traditions Columbia has left. So, join us tonight at 11:59 pm in Butler 209 (though you’ll want to get there early so you can find space!) for our 66th consecutive 69th semi-annual Orgo Night. We can’t force you to CUMB but you will if you do!
And if you prefer a tantalizing preview, here is our latest promo video.
Disclaimer (added 12/16/17, 5 pm): this article is entirely comedic in nature, and does not intend to give definitive portrayals of any particular frats, or implicate any particular frats in amoral behavior. Also, Bwog does not condone underage drinking, especially of jungle juice; form your own rankings at your own risk.
Beta (Price: Pride)
Don’t bother reading this review – they never have enough jungle juice anyway. I truly appreciate Beta’s dedication to replicating the taste of cough syrup and their improvisational skills (I’ve been served a beer & Kool-Aid mix before). Tightly focused drink with a core of vodka and infused with the rich fruity flavor of Kool-Aid racing through.
Bartender charisma: ★★★★☆
Jungle juice: ★★☆☆☆
Casa Latina (Price: Waiting 30 minutes for an EC swipe in)
My most memorable sexual experiences have happened under the influence of their jungle juice, though I keep awkwardly running into my hot TA there. A bubbly experience with a sophisticated, lingering citric taste. Lightly steeped with Sprite and a velvety finish.
Jungle juice: ★★★★★
How badly I want to fuck my TA: ★★★★★
Fiji (Price: A brownstone)
An elegant polygamous marriage of vodka, sprite, and Kool-Aid. The gentle, yet persistent assertion of fruit punch in this mix arouses a refined metallic aroma usually attending the canned experience of Kool-Aid.
Freshmen appeal: ★★★★★
Jungle juice: ★★★★★
Well, the title practically says it all. If you’ve ever been a student, you know how nervous you were when it was time to get these decisions. The ED applicants might be scared in particular, since this school was their first choice.
Applicants to the Class of 2022 will be able to view their decision after tonight at 7 pm ET. Barnard’s were released Tuesday with an increased number of applications; Columbia itself said that it “received 4085 Early Decision applications to Columbia College and The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science”, exactly one application fewer than last year. The Admissions Department is not releasing any information on acceptance rate or class composition at this time.
Good luck to all early applicants – hope to see you next year!
Common Application Logo via Columbia Undergraduate Admissions
Ah, the great dichotomy of the night before finals. In between your suffering and complaining pre- and post-midnight, youhave two options: The wholesome and reliable Midnight Breakfast, or the controversial and possibly banned Orgo Night. Whichever kind of fun you prefer, they both take place tonight at 12 am. (Barnard first-years can go to Midnight Breakfast at 11:00, the rest of BC at 11:30, and all of CU at 12.)
Meet the new Barnard president or boo the old Columbia one. Subsist on Butler Café for hours or fill up on waffles in Diana. Whichever you choose, enjoy your study break before it gets too weird.
Bwogline: Official plans have been announced for the L train closure, and just like with our finals, it will indeed involve taking an L. The plan is likely insufficient in battling the delays it will cause and will give New Yorkers another reason to be salty. (NY Times)
Study Tip: Order Insomnia. Be impressed that they knew where to find you in the International Affairs Building. Open Insomnia. Be dismayed by the incorrect order. Call Insomnia. Get put on hold for 10 minutes and then not even be able to speak to them because the Lehman Library is in the basement and AT&T sucks. Get a likely ban from Insomnia for calling so much. Eat your extra pint of ice cream anyway.
Procrastination Tip: The best type of procrastination is when you can pretend you’re actually doing work. Fall into a Wikipedia hole. Your new wealth of knowledge will make up for your less than satisfactory final exam grade.
Overheard: “Broccoli are nature’s trees.”
Written by Zack Abrams
It’s finals week, which means four things: Eat, Sleep, Study, Repeat. However, there are a few key ways to free up time during your few moments of leisure and/or personal hygiene. Here are our top ideas.
1. Use bathroom hand dryers to dry your hair.
Hey, no shame. While the precise angle can be tough to nail (trust me, I know from personal experience,) those precious few seconds that the high-intensity blasts of air buy you can make the difference between remembering that crucial formula or flunking completely.
2. Why watch Khan Academy or listen to a podcast instead of studying… when you can do all three?
Knowledge is power. Therefore, three times as much knowledge at once equals three times as much power! Maximize your studying potential by utilizing different modes of studying, such as watching videos on Orgo while listening to an audiobook of The Aeneid and reading about high-order differential equations! For a fun challenge, do all three while on the treadmill at Butler. That’ll get those brain cells sweating!
3. Rappel down the side of your dorm.
I live in John Jay. The elevators are fine… unless it’s the one time you need them. Save time instead of waiting for the elevators or rushing down the staircase: just whip out the Columbia Housing carabiners and high-tensile rope that they handed out during Welcome Week and shimmy down the side of your dorm. That Latin vocabulary isn’t going to study itself!
4. Smuggle your textbook into a different final.
Look, I know you want to maximize your time during your calc final checking your sequences for convergence, but that doesn’t mean that you should take time off of studying the effects of quantitative easing for Intermediate Macro! A good tip is to wear enough coats so that the added bulk of your Econ textbook is hidden beneath the folds and study while taking the math final! You have no time to waste!
5. Disrupt the fabric of time and space itself.
You can do it, as long as you went to every single FroSci lecture.
Written by Jenny Zhu
While the study breaks during reading week are incredibly helpful and supportive, at times they can look similar – many of them featuring some classic variation of cookies and hot chocolate. We here at Bwog want to see some study breaks get weird. Here are our suggestions:
1) Columbia time-management-chart-themed study break. This study break would be very strictly organized, with 30% of the break allocated for group studying, 0.0119% for personal hygiene, and 0.0536% for actual free time. The free time would constitute of structured job searching. You would leave this study break asking yourself, “Why do I want free time, anyway?”
2) A CUCR study break, which would feature Steve Bannon and the NYPD. Make sure you don’t accidentally bring any pieces of paper above 8.5×11″. Though this study break would only occupy one room in Lerner, it would block everyone else from accessing the building for the rest of the day.
3) A Bwog study break. You would make friendship bracelets, bitch about Spec, and eat grapes.
3.5) An anti-Bwog study break. Similar concept as #3, except you would bitch about Bwog instead, and revisit some of our favorite hate comments. Bonus: the male a cappella groups on campus would probably make an appearance.
4) 1020 study break. Bad but free cranberry vodkas would be provided. This study break would also have a pool table and fun crafts, such as make-your-own-fake.
5) Ferris toast study break. You would literally go and make toast. While this study break would be fun, expect it to be really crowded. Avocado spread would be provided, but only before 10 am.
6) A Columbia BDSM study break. Hosted by the Columbia BDSM club, this study break would include wholesome activities such as learning how to tie someone up.
7) Fausta study break. This would consist of chilling with Fausta (the wonderful woman who swipes us into Ferris) for like half an hour. What more can you ask for from a study break?
8) A Stressbusters study break, except that instead of them giving you back rubs, they teach you how to give backrubs, so that you and your friends can stressbust each other.
Photo via 2015 Bwog
Yesterday evening, Early Decisions results for the Barnard College class of 2022 were released. According to Jennifer Fondiller, Dean of Enrollment Management, this year Barnard received 993 ED applications, which is a 6% increase over last year.
The future Barnard students selected hail from over 35 states and 20 countries, and include athletes, writers, scientists, and activists. The Admissions staff were very impressed with their aspirations and achievements so far. Welcome to Barnard, class of 2022!
Photo via the Barnard Admissions Facebook page
Written by Megan Ka Wei Chew
Let’s reminisce on that time, long ago, when classes were on and professors still inspired. Inspired you not to go class. Or maybe, inspired you to actually go to class. Either way, there were classes and there were professors. Here’s our professors at their finest moments.
David Siegel: “I wish I did more charity work. Which is kinda why I teach here.”
Jon Snow, Cell Bio: “This is the real reason why I didn’t post the slides until this morning… I didn’t want to give away my sweet sheets upon sheets joke!”
Hisham Matar, Fiction Writing: “I think mac and cheese has got incredible potential.”
Peter Kelemen: “I lost my original wedding ring in a leaf bag.”
Ross Hamilton, 18th Century Literature: [While handing out the midterm] “It smells like marijuana in here.”
Tim Paine, Essential Data Structures: “The goal of this class is not to get an A.”
Lowkey me via amboo who?
Written by Megan Ka Wei Chew
It’s Wednesday, my dudes. Is that a primal scream you hear? Most definitely. Hop into bed with Bwog this morning and chill the fuck out before realising you have two days left until finals really begins.
Bwogline: Doug Jones wins! Jones wins the senate seat in the Alabama election against Roy Moore. The first Democrat to win the seat since the early 1990s, Jones’ victory means that the Republican majority in the Senate will be narrowed to 51-49. CNN’s exit poll found that Jones’ win “was fuelled by huge turnout — and near unanimous support — from black voters.” (CNN)
Study Tip: Don’t study. Don’t open a book, don’t pick up a pen, don’t flip a page. Butler? Forget her! Avery? Who cares! LeFrak? Literally never heard of it! If you don’t study, you don’t pass. If you don’t pass, you don’t graduate. If you don’t graduate, you don’t need to study any longer! Now isn’t that what higher education in the Ivy League is all about? It’s a “Yes” from Bwog.
Music: Never listened to any of these songs, but here’s a 7 minute and 51 second long playlist about our favourite day of the week!
Procrastination Tip: Collect all nearby pulpous fruit and lay it along the ground. Roll around in it. Feel your stress bleed away into the fruit. Wait to marinate.
Overheard: She grows out her armpit hair… she must smoke weed.
Tags: another barnard friend didn't realise lefrak used to be a gym... like have u seen the ground, do i regret quoting a horrible vine........... most definitely, my barnard friend literally said whats lefrak yesterday, pomegranates aren't pulpous but i think they'd do well, would def roll around in some banana
Written by Sarah Kinney
As finals season gains momentum, sometimes it can feel like there isn’t a single moment in the day to take for yourself. But we here at Bwog promise that taking a step back from your seat in Ref (and taking your goddamn stuff with you) and granting some time to yourself will actually help you feel better and, in the end, succeed. Here are some tips from us Bwoggers on how to self-care during finals time.
This past Friday, Columbia College announced 24 seniors who will be initiated into Phi Beta Kappa, a couple of weeks after Barnard announced its fall initiates. 10% of the CC graduating class is elected to this honor society each year; 2% is elected in the fall, and the remaining 8% will be elected in the spring. These students will be initiated into the society on January 19. Congratulations to these seniors!
From wonderfully wacky Christmas jumpers to the second coming of Christ, Bwogger Roberta Rhyse (who now wishes to be referred to as ‘Special Snowflake 2.0’) was pleasantly surprised and equally confused by XMAS 12’s Tis the Treason. Bwogger Aliya Schneider joined her in laughter the whole time while taking photo documentation of the character’s schticks.
Having never experienced an XMAS production at Columbia, I was expecting something akin to most average student Christmas productions, but oh how wrong I was. This entire student-run production, directed by Xander Browne (CC ’19) was sassy, satirical, and politically pertinent, perfectly embodying your average Columbia student. This show captured the ridiculousness of the dilemma surrounding inclusivity in the twenty-first century, sprinkling humour and candy canes over thought-provoking issues to make modern day politics lighthearted and accessible to all.
The play parodied modern day sensitivity and millennial struggles as “Claus & Co.” (of course Santa is a corporate sell out) send out a “Happy Holidays” greeting card, in the place of their usual “Merry Christmas” card. The use of the word “Holidays” generates a rage like no other for Terry Rudolph (Rachel Greenfield, BC’19) who then takes Claus & Co. to court. The journey continues in an attempt to solve the mystery of who was responsible for sending out the tragic Happy Holidays card whilst simultaneously exploring marital strife, conformity, and feminism.
Tags: all of the innuendos were perf, bwog is serious sometimes, bwog reviews, christmas is so capitalist, crack your nuts, Everybody was so talented, feminism makes me happy, is it because i'm a woman, obama references, seriously though there is a growing lack of diversity in theatre, shoutout to the pit! the brass section killed it!!, snowflake was me, we weren't drunk enough for this show, XMAS!12, yay for corporations
Written by Dassi Karp
Once again Barnard Bwogger Dassi Karp recounts the events of last night’s SGA meeting. This week, SGA covered a range of interesting topics, ranging from the private non-vote to resident life’s sign in and fire safety policies.
Remember last week, when SGA spent an entire meeting not making the appointment they said they would? It happened again! This time, though, the private non-vote was prefaced by a frustrating meeting with Res Life, who seemed really sincere but unable to answer any question fully. Ready to be miffed? Read on.
Alicia Lawrence, Executive Director of Barnard Residential Life and Housing, and Josh Alexander, the Senior Associate Director, joined Rep Council to field questions from the reps and members of the SGA Campus Affairs committee. A number of questions involved housing for students with disabilities. Students who require housing accommodations are usually placed in housing before the lottery begins, and are allowed to pull in one friend to live with them.
Rep for Campus Affairs Mia Lindheimer explained that, for many students with disabilities, this means living in an apartment mostly of strangers. Lawrence agreed that this can be tough, but said that granting more pull-ins would just place too much stress on the lottery system. “We want to accommodate all of our students as best as possible,” she said. Part of the issue, she noted, is that many of the Barnard dorms are housed in pre-war buildings, and the disability accommodations are limited to certain rooms. Lawrence did say that she was open to discussion about ways to improve this system.
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