Written by Tatini Mal-Sarkar
What time is it? SUMMER TIME! As finals end, we know what’s really on your mind — or who. This summer, get up to get down with these handy summer lovin’ tips brought to you courtesy of Tats.
My year has been frigid and now that it’s toasty again, I’m lookin’ for a hot summer romance. What’s the best way for me to go about procuring a summer fling?
Rarin’ For Romance
It’s great that you’re looking for some action, and boy have I got some tips for you! Quench your thirst this summer with these no-fail strategies, informed by nothing but the finest pop culture references, to meeting the love of your
1. Heading off to camp? Follow your mother to the camp she cooks for and you too will meet the summer fling of your dreams while canoeing. Not super sure what else happens here, but I’m 95% confident you’ll sing something with a cute person, which is all that really matters.
2. Might not be a “summer fling” per se, but Troy and Gabriella have sure got it goin’ on for two high school-age youths! To achieve this power couple status, lurk your local/Alburquerque country club teen gatherings until someone forces your shy self into the spotlight with that mysterious local teen ;)) . You will inevitably wind up transferring anyway, so get excited for the love of your life~!
3. Looking for a long-distance romance? Jet off to Rome to find your identical twin pop sing diva a la Lizzie McGuire! It’s uncanny, the resemblance — almost like someone just put a dark-tressed wig on you. Note, however, that this fling truly is just a fling; inevitably, he’ll wind up a filthy lipsyncer. So annoying how they do that.
4. Let’s be real, what you really need is a sugar daddy/mama. Look no farther than the best role model in television history, Nate Archibald of Gossip Girl fame. Country clubs seem to be a theme here, but this time seek out the lonely, bored cougar, trapped in a loveless marriage with a penchant for trouble (second winky face). Hopefully she’s rich and will pay you lots. What’s love but a paycheck, anyway?
5. Or take a cue from the real royalty on Gossip Girl, i.e. Blair Cornelia Waldorf, and find yourself a hot eligible literal Prince Charming. He is moneyed, titled, and absolutely personality-less — a real catch! Spend your summer pining away in France as your cuter, funnier, livelier friend sleeps her way through the local bartenders. Never cease in your judgmental ways; your time too will come.
And who knows? According to the Holy Bible AKA Laguna Beach, Summer Can Last Forever. Mayhaps you shall be the new Stephen and Kristen — may your love see no ends.
See the Varsity Show and dying to know more about Suzanne Goldberg? Check out The Blue and White’s investigation into the Office of University Life, written by Literary Editor Virginia Fu, CC ’17.
On April 13, Suzanne Goldberg, three months into her new role at the head of the Office of University Life, gave the keynote address at the Office’s inaugural event—a screening of the film Selma, followed by a faculty panel discussion. Formed in late January, the Office is still in its infancy, consisting of what Goldberg called “a small but dedicated office” of three staffers. It operates out of 208 Philosophy and Goldberg’s previous office in the Law School building.
Goldberg is still trying to find a way to communicate with students en masse and solicit input. When we interviewed her in April, she spoke carefully, frequently prefacing her statements with phrases like, “This is just what I’ve heard,” and “You can tell me if I’m wrong.” At the Selma screening, attendees were encouraged to tweet their questions, but Goldberg admitted she was “not much of a Twitter person.” She has also written posts for the Columbia Spectator’s blog, Spectrum. She uses her blog as a platform to “share information and reflect on ideas,” but recognizes that this approach has limited reach.
“From what I understand,” she said, “most undergraduates read the B-wog,” pronouncing the “B” as its own letter. “The question is just how to get the word out. If you guys have ideas, you should really just send me a list of things. Does The Blue and White have a blog?”
What in the world is an EVP?
According to WikiCU, the nine Executive Vice Presidents who report directly to the University President’s Office can be likened to the Nazgul who do the bidding of the Dark Lord Sauron in J. R. R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy.
The reality is much less interesting. After a wave of student activism and a title IX lawsuit against the university, President Lee Bollinger announced the creation of an Office of Student Affairs, which would be led by an EVP. It would be the first office created at the EVP level in over four years and the first directly responding to student needs. In an email to students, Bollinger wrote that the Office would be a “primary place of contact for issues relating to sexual assault.” Eventually, it would also respond to “numerous matters relating to students that call out for attention by an individual placed at the highest level of the University administration.”
CCSC was quick to note their expectations of the position and who should fill it. In spring 2014, they submitted a memo of recommendations that emphasized visibility and approachability through functions such as monthly office hours and town hall-style meetings. In an interview, CCSC President Peter Bailinson stressed the need for an high-level administrator “who actually understands the students.”
Take some time to learn outside of the classroom this summer, and return to the glory days of leisure reading. Bwog staff has compiled a list of some must-reads, (anyone notice the insane amount of trilogies included in this list??) (Bwog = Illuminati??) so feel free to take our suggestions and pick up any (or all) of these guys to fill your summer days.
We know firsthand that this senior has a whole lotta wisdom. We sat down with our own Bwog Director of Communications, Natalie Telson, to hear her tackle the oral sex or cheese question.
Name, School, Major, Hometown: Natalie Telson; GS/JTS; Political Science at Columbia and Hebrew Bible at JTS; North Tustin, CA
Claim to fame: You may have seen me wandering campus with a massive red backpack over the last four years, but more notably I was that girl dancing with the Israeli flag on stage with Lupe Fiasco at Bacchanal 2014, and I’m a proud and active member of both Delta Gamma and the JTS Joint Program. Oh, and I’m Director of Communications for the top news site around – Bwog!
Where are you going? I am working in the PR & Communications department at The Huffington Post primarily handling the HuffPost Live account. VERY happy to be working in NYC and staying close with my Columbia/Barnard/JTS FriendFam.
Tags: bwog senior wisdom 2015, bwog senior wisdoms, delta gamma, friendfam, huffpost, jts/columbia swag!!, katy perry california gurls is playin rn, keep in touch, koronet's, lol tavern hill or whatever, senior wisdom, senior wisdom 2015, she's a DG but she also rushed bwog??? isn't that against some sisterhood code??
You all attend Columbia, so you have essentially already condemned yourself to being a corporate sellout for the rest of your life. Get that last push for your Econ final by reading this Tuesday’s edition of Bwog in Bed. Also, Wu Tang forever.
Bwogline: Peter Schweizer’s book, Clinton Cash, has caused quite a ruckus since it hit stores earlier this month. The entire campaign is so shaken up by the book that they have created a website that debunks the myths outlined in the text. In Clinton Cash, Schweizer sets to prove that both of the Clintons have profited from foreign governments. (Breitbart.com)
Study Tip: It’s important to take breaks while studying in order to keep yourself fresh and your spirits
relatively high. However, who says that breaks have to be a waste of time? You can make cash in your hour-long break by looking online and finding a focus group to attend. One of our Bwoggers went to a focus group for 45 minutes between two of her classes earlier this semester, and she made $100. It’s amazing what a lil break can do for your work ethic and for your wallet.
Procrastinate: Rihanna is killin it!! Even though the iHeartRadio Music Awards took place nearly two months ago, her performance of BBHMM remains near and dear to our hearts. Watch it again for some inspiration!! You’ll probably find yourself singing this song as you walk to your ~~paid~~ Wall Street internship sometime this summer (lookin’ at you,
JJP Econ major).
Tags: badgalriri, bandz a make her study, BBHMM, bernie sanders, bernie sanders is running; in other news bernie sanders is too old to physically run, Bernie Sanders' major in college was Horticulture, Bitch Betta Have My Bernie, focus !!! group !!! forever !!!!, focus groups rule everything around me, illary, Rihanna, stax on stax on stax
Re-enter the real world after your finals today with another senior wisdom from an outgoing senior! We bring you Emma Sulkowicz and her words of wisdom this Monday night.
Name, School, Major, Hometown: Emma Sulkowicz, CC, Visual Arts, New York, NY
Claim to fame: None.
Where are you going? I’m going to stay in New York for a bit and chill out after the craziest year I’ve ever had.
What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2019?
1. Feminism is cool, and super important. Try a class with Rosalyn Deutsche if you want to see why feminism is so cool! She was the first person to explain it in a way that made sense to me.
2. It’s impossible to make change and stay sane without the right support. I would be nothing without my friends and the professors who guided me. They’ve taught me more than I could have ever learned just in class.
3. We all freak out because we feel friendless at some point. I know just as well as anyone: that feeling of being too weak and depressed to get out of bed in the morning, or the feeling of waking up on a wet pillow soaked with tears. But you all are loved. You all might be mired in shit right now, but I promise you that you are loved. Your real friends get that you’re not perfect, and that’s why they love you.
“Back in my day…” ADP was cool.
Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I’ll never justify my existence through words. I hope my actions speak louder than my words ever will.
Pissed at a professor? At your unfinished essay? At this goddamn institution? Take a look at these cathartic online account-inspired representations of the many “the man” we have here on campus. It doesn’t just start and end with the admin… peep some
slightly fabricated accounts of our favorite neighborhood spots here too!
UNIs and Other Email Addresses:
Ricardo Morales: RickyRoo42@columbia.safety.net
Dean Hinkson: YaIPostYoutubeVidsFromMyDesk@barnard.edu
Financial Aid Office: email@example.com
Diana Center: firstname.lastname@example.org
International Wines & Spirits: email@example.com
Deantini’s personal email that he uses for his Spotify account: firstname.lastname@example.org
Follow them on Twitter:
Suzanne Goldberg: @sex_is_like_a_traffic_light_911
Lee Bollinger: @TheLastTimeIWasInMoHiWas2007
Dean Hinkson: @tinydeskseries
Mel’s Burger Bar: @OperationFindMagic
Financial Aid Office: @WeCrushUrDreamz
Lerner: @Mark_Lerner_Official1 (we heard this was a troll account, though)
If you name that movie quote correctly this Bwog staffer might marry you via Shutterstock
Earlier today the School of General Studies announced its Phi Beta Kappa inductees for this year’s graduating class. Fifty cool and smart seniors were selected to receive this high honor and, similarly to CC’s Phi Beta Kappa members, were granted membership based on “the breadth, depth, and rigor of their academic programs, as well as faculty recommendations from those who work closely with them.” Turns out there’s not much difference between GS and CC after all!
Congratulations to these superstar seniors, and if you see any of the people named below be sure to give them a tender pat on the back for all their integrity, intelligence, and devotion to office hours.
Take some afternoon senior wisdom from outgoing SGA President, Julia Qian!
Name, School, Major, Hometown: Julia Qian, Barnard College, History, Athena Scholar, Hangzhou, China (that’s where Alibaba was founded, just saying)
Claim to fame: SGA prez for 2014-2015, a proud member of Intervarsity Christian Fellowship, Senior Interviewer, Global Symposium Fellow…
Where are you going? On my way to get a Claudia’s pick-me-up before monday morning 9am meeting for SGA.
What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2019?
1. Pause and be kind. Leave your room 10 minutes early for classes so you can actually engage in a small conversation when you pass by a friend instead of “hi, bye, I gotta go.” Make it a daily routine to do something for another person, whether big or small.
2. Learn to appreciate, and pay forward. It is truly a blessing to be surrounded by such passionate, committed and courageous individuals. Cherish this community and whenever you can, pay forward.
3. Fail harder. A very close friend of mine shared this piece of wisdom with me. It is OK to fail. Try new things, embrace new ideas, challenge different perspectives, take risks and fail harder.
Taken from the real-life, special sock collection of a real-life, special Bwogger.
Bwogline: Columbia kids keep making noise in the Times. (New York Times)
Study Tip: Nothing makes you more frustrated or sweat more than walking around campus with a full backpack simply in search of a chair and desk duo. Go off campus to a coffee shop with adequate wifi (or none, if that gets you workin’) to avoid everyone, smelly Butler, and distraction like the plague. Even if it’s a few stops on the subway, getting off Columbia grounds will help you center on whatever assignments you have left and make you feel like a *real* New Yorker during your last moments in the city before summer.
Procrastinate: You probably didn’t call your mom yesterday on Mother’s Day proper. Call her.
And then wish you had a mom-daughter relationship similar to the likes of Bobbi and Ilana Wexler:
Overheard: “All the interns are fucking brilliant. They’re from Columbia University, which is basically the uptown Princeton.” – Business Man using his savvy Bluetooth
After a wonderful semester of witty content and Mark Lerner, CUSS is wrapping up its first season. We, at Bwog, have been so proud to see the amazing work that has come out of the team, and we would like to recognize the brains behind the operation—Anna Hotter and Michael Rodriguez. If you missed any videos from earlier in the semester, check out their Vimeo page. Without further adieu, we bring you the CUSS season 1 finale!
Your Sunday night wouldn’t be complete with at least one more senior wisdom. Next, we bring you some wisdom from Aviva Nassimi.
Name, School, Major, Hometown: Aviva Nassimi, Barnard College, Psychology/Political Science Minor, Long Island, NY
Claim to fame: Maybe I was your RA, your TA, your speaking fellow, or the girl you saw searching “Puppies vs. babies” and “Tie-dye Your Hair With Kool-Aid” on YouTube in Butler.
Someone once called me the greatest lover of Barnard but I like to think she said “Greatest Lover at Barnard.”
Where are you going? Well the only job I have set in stone is an entry level position as a gastronomical voyeur.
(but real talk I’m in the city all summer so let’s hang if you’re around!)
What are 3 things you learned at Columbia and would like to share with the Class of 2019?
1. I have unlearned more than I have learned at Columbia. I have unlearned 18 years of misguided, and often harmful, ideas of what it means to be successful/ to be ‘doing college right’/ to be a good daughter/ a good friend/ a woman/ an ally/ to be beautiful/ to be smart. Do not let your time at Columbia be just an affirmation of who you are when you begin as a first-year, and resist settling for any definition of who or what you should be when you leave.
2. Our fears are often more similar than you think. Every year as an RA for first-year students, I made my residents do an anonymous icebreaker that required everyone to write down their biggest fear. Year after year, the answers were almost identical and a majority of the fears concerned loneliness and a lack of belonging. They were often so similar that residents had trouble remembering which were ones they wrote. During your time at Columbia, we all, at some point, learn how deeply unhappy we can be as students here. What if we were all more honest and upfront with each other about the fear and shame and pain that can sometimes keep us up until 4am on a Wednesday? All I know is that “shared pain is lessened, shared joy is increased.”
3. There is work in sometimes just sitting on the lawn with your friends. One of my wisest friends who already graduated once taught me that “work” doesn’t just mean schoolwork or homework or work-work, like internships and clubs and all of that — there is work in waking up every morning and there is work in being where you are, and work in resting, and work in taking chances, and work in dreaming and work in those tiny moments that we forget are so valuable as we build our lives bit by bit everyday. Maybe you are not yet an award-winning New York Times journalist, or you haven’t cured cancer or you don’t work for NASA (congratulations to the three of you on this campus who have/are/will.) But never ever forget that you have done (and will continue to do) so. much. work. here.
4. (Also, I cannot tell you the full story behind this, but trust me, clear your browser history and most visited sites before any class presentation in which your computer screen will be projected.)
All our life Bwog wants money and power
Respect our mind or die from think pieces
We pray our dick get big as NoCo
So we can fuck Lerner for about an hour
Goddamn we feel amazing, damn we’re in the SGO in Lerner
(Tonight. 6 PM. Come thru for the last hoorah aka Bwog meeting of the semester.)
Tonight, when the clock strikes midnight, the students of Columbia will partake in their ceremonial transformation from stressed out college students into primal animals. Some may say that they hate this tradition, but there’s no doubt that the best way to relieve some stress is yelling at the top of your lungs. Just think about it—it would be even worse if you didn’t know it was coming! This was the reality for some of our staff during their first Primal Scream, and we share a few of their thoughts when they lost their Primal Scream v-card.
Just another Sunday night via Shutterstock
Tags: "i was a know it all bitch", do you think prezbo participates in primal scream?, fuck beta, have a lil fun, one last final hoorah (literally), prepare thyself, primal scream, there's always that ONE person that complains about primal scream, we dare you to scream in butler, which is your fav midnight tradition: primal scream or orgo night?
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