Another Snack Attack: More Crackers Involved in Hate Incident
Written by Bwog Staff
You guessed it! The infamous hate-crime cracker packets showed up again on campus this week—and this time we have photographic proof. Bwog correspondent/cryptographer/gumshoe investigator Addison Anderson, who spied the pictured item of hatred on a bench on the path between Lerner and Low, wrote up the following account. Read the full report, which includes an in-depth analysis of the perpetrator’s twisted message, after the jump:
If you were hungry for a handful of hearty melba toast topped with a heaping helping of magical fascism on Thursday, then you missed some free food left in the middle of a stone bench on the west side of South Lawn.
Yes, the hate-snacker, made infamous by Bwog’s reports of April 11th and 13th, has struck again. On the afternoon of July 6th, this reporter found six pieces of melba toast, a slice of pepperoni, and a small section of a chocolate donut in a hate-packet similar to those previously discovered. The whole thing was bound up with rubber bands between a paper plate and a clear plastic container top—an odd surface for an even odder scrawl, which is here reproduced:
HOLES IN FOOD
[drawing of BIG SWASTIKA]
It also should be noted that another smaller swastika was drawn, but then sort of scribbled out.
Ink stains on the rubber bands themselves indicate that the Banned-in-Germany, Rubber Bandit who Blitzes Benches wrote the message after buying, building and binding his bundle of baffling biscuits. Those stains and the quite sloppy character of the writing—some of the lettering is nigh illegible—suggest that the Pro-Pogrom Piece-o’-Pepperoni Perpetrator was either writing in a hurry, or is dumb.
This is the third known discovery of such rambling rations on the Morningside campus. In the first incident, on April 11th of this year, the lane from Lerner to Low Plaza was peppered with these perplexing less-than-a-lunches. Then on June 23rd, also of this year, came incident two: a Barnard student by the name of Hannah Baker beheld another anathematic aliment (look it up!) on Broadway, where the Attacker with an Anti-Abrahamic Appetite incorporated melba toast for the first time—but not the last—and wrote something along the lines of “HOLES FOOD BLACK MAGIC,” along with the signature swastika.
The recurrence of certain details in the three known cases—the inky rubber bands, the poorly written holes n’ magic mumbo-jumbo, the mysterious melba—makes this reporter almost certain that these different deeds were devised and done by a single dastardly doer! Just one man’s theory!
With one incident happening outside Barnard and the other two near/on the bench between Low Library and Lerner Hall, a simple mapping of the crimes reveals what might be considered a line. Since everybody knows lines are used to make swastikas, this reporter wouldn’t be surprised if the Cold-Clooded Cold-Cut Culprit is making a giant swastika, sort of like serial killers in movies.
But what in the name of Nod is he trying to say? Time for a little analysis.
Look at that picture from the first attack again: “CHECK BREAD EVERYWHERE HOLES.” In the second incident, Ms. Baker recalled “HOLES FOOD BLACK MAGIC” written on the container at the scene of the sickening sequel. And now we’ve got “HOLES IN FOOD BLACK MAGIC,” and those arrows pointing from the word “HOLES” to the holes in the melba toast. It’s as if he (or maybe it’s a woman!) wants to call the viewer’s attention to the holes in crackers and bread. What’s more, (s!)he associates these holes with black magic, also known as wizardry, voodoo, diabolism, necromancy, witchcraft, warlockery, Satanism, or the left-hand path. Is there something mystically malevolent about the voids in our victuals?
Now, most kinds of crackers have holes. For instance, both varieties of crackers used to make the three puzzling parcels—the big saltine-ish ones and the melba toast—are full of chinks.
Onward. Let’s look at that icky icon, the swastika. Why include the Nazi? How does the Nazi connect with the holes in the crackers? It’s all so strange! What’s the missing link?
Oh, great yahtzee! It’s MATZOH!
According to Bwog commenters, or “cwommenters,” the crackers in the first incident looked a lot like matzoh bread. Now, follow: The Nazis persecuted the Jews. The Jews invented matzoh bread. Matzoh bread is a flat, crispy, cracker-like bread, with lots of—guess what?—holes in it! Does this reporter even have to mention that many anti-Semites have believed that Jews are not only mean but also have evil magic powers? He does? Well, then, here it is: screwy Jew-haters think Jews swirl up spooky spells!
And thus it all becomes clear. This Nefarious Naziographic Noticer of the Notches in Nourishment believes that the ubiquity of holes in crackers is a manifestation of a global, magical, Zionist conspiracy to make all crackers look like matzoh bread.
In any case, questions remain: Why the piece of donut and the slice of pepperoni? Is the dough-nugget actually a piece of a sufganiyah, a Jewish donut-like treat? If so, is the chocolate topping kosher? And why is the piece of pepperoni so dry? Wait, what if it’s not pepperoni?! What if it’s some other Jewish thing this reporter doesn’t even know about?!
More importantly, will Columbia’s klutzy campus coppers cease cat-napping and finally catch this crazy crack-up and clap him (or her!) in the clinker? Only time, and this reporter, will tell.