Jan

22

The Belle Jar: Episode One

Written by

Everyone and their sister (publication) has a sex columnist these days, and–being the blatantly imitative blog that we are–Bwog decided to get one of its own. There’s a lot we could say about this nameless muse…but we’ll let her introduce herself. Welcome to the Belle Jar.

Update, 1/23, 8:38 PM: You can e-mail the Belle Jar at [email protected]

belle jarI am explicitly, absolutely, without a doubt, not a straight woman.

I’m not a member of the Columbia Queer Alliance, and I don’t play rugby—unless we’re talking euphemistically. If I you passed me on the street you’d have no idea I was gay (“lesbian” has too many syllables).

But here I am, anonymously, a Bwog sex columnist, at least until one of you delights me by creating a website about how I violate everything you hold dear.

Why am I writing this column?

What you want to hear: I have always dreamed of being a sex columnist.  Ever since I bought my first pair of Dr. Martens, learned to fire a gun and realized I wanted to be cuffed to a bedpost by Detective Olivia Benson on SVU, I’ve pined for this very moment.  My hero: Dan Savage, my enemy: Rick Santorum. I learned about dental dams at the age of 12. I’ve never used one, but I’m ready.

God’s honest truth: my editors thought this college should have a sex columnist who knew what it meant to be a feminist, to admire and understand women’s bodies, and to be slightly more enlightened than your average Druid dressed in Dolce.

I just thought it was funny as hell that they asked me.

You see, I don’t have regular sex; I have head on, high-speed collisions. I get whiplash and there’s usually broken glass. I take down insurance information, not phone numbers.  And I’ve never slept with a guy, although I know many, many people who have, and who have reported back.  I’ve thought about it the way I’ve thought about taking Econ—probably better for my financial future and legal rights but, at the moment, terribly tedious and likely soporific. It’s something I’ve been meaning to get around to doing and just haven’t had the time or willpower to accept or even correctly interpret an advance. 

I have slept with girls. Occasionally, I’ll have a drunken encounter with a vagina and more or less bullshit myself through it, which is truly amazing because you can’t talk about Kant with a clit.

I have problems with girls, I have problems with guys, but mostly, I have problems with people.  And this, according to my editors, is where I am oddly qualified for this position.  Last year, a staggering percentage of Columbia students sought psychological help at Health Services. I’d look up the actual number but it’s probably in the Spectator and what I lack in confidence I make up for in flagrantly ignoring sources. Sources are for pussies. Don’t be a pussy.

Anyway, at the end of this experience you were likely given anti-depression medication and pretzels and told to stop facebook poking your Ex. No?  We are not a sane people.  We, by and large, don’t really know how to interact with each other.  And amazingly enough, a large percentage of us believe that comparing anti-anxiety prescriptions and course schedules is foreplay.

In the simplified, digestible notion of the world, there are two types of people: those who are sex positive, and those who are not.  It is my greatest hope that this column is for both types (especially with the aim of turning the latter wannabe-saints into the former unrepentant sinners).  Because, let’s be honest, this college needs to get laid. Badly.

And I can relate. Columbia is full of neurotic people who can’t seem to have satisfying sex lives. Why would you want to read a column by someone who suffers from none of those problems?

But, rather than talk about myself, I’d like to make this a variety show of sorts.  I’d like to answer your questions, I’d like to occasionally interview friends and classmates about bizarre/awesome sexual experiences, and I’d like to take you on a literary tour of Japan’s love hotels. And I’d like to remain anonymous. Because this isn’t about me, it’s about you and your insignificant others, your conflations of power and romance, and your paralyzing mistakes—even through no one cares, at least it’s nice to know that someone’s been there before you.

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49 Comments

  1. lady  

    It's funny that I am certain I know who this person is...

  2. haha  

    really, this was hilarious. i know nothing about good writing (seas), but this made me laugh. bravo.

  3. male  

    "God's honest truth: my editors thought this college should have a sex columnist who knew what it meant to be a feminist, to admire and understand women's bodies."

    Can I have help too plz?

  4. fucking hell  

    how the hell did you find an anoynmous columnist who can write like that?

    my socks are knocked off. someone get her a book deal.

  5. anon

    excellent, looking forward to her column!

    ...but for god's sake bwog, teach the poor girl how to embed a link before you throw her out onto the internet!

  6. this  

    is an amazing addition to the Bwog.

  7. I think  

    I'm in love with her

    I can't wait to read the column!

  8. oh great,  

    another faux lesbian. like it's not hard enough to get laid at this fucking school.

  9. alright  

    so who is anyonomous. guesses anyone?

    mine is tao tan.

  10. go bwog  

    "a large percentage of us believe that comparing anti-anxiety prescriptions and course schedules is foreplay."

    gold

    • semi-well-adjusted  

      "We, by and large, don't really know how to interact with each other."

      "Sources are for pussies."

      Excuse me?

      Sorry to burst your anonymous bubble, but while we don't always describe it as a "high-speed collision" with "whiplash" all the time, I can name at least 20 kids w/ happy stable relationships on campus right now, there's probably plenty more. Even in the casual sexual encounters department there's been a lot of respect and good times if you're honest about what the deal is from square one. Just because we're not telling everyone doesn't mean it's "awkward." It's "polite."

      But that doesn't mean it's all sunshine and roses here, and props to you for your last sentence about the wide variety of experiences (and mistakes) that go down. I just hope you'll gravitate towards that belief that there's more to the wonderful world of sex and relationships than going WOOOOOO I AM HAVING A BETTER TIME THAN YOU OTHER LAME COLUMBIA KIDS. Relax. it's sex. Nobody's keeping score.

  11. Anonymous  

    This is fantastic. Go anonymous. Go Bwog.

  12. just a girl...  

    so anyone think anon is our overexcited bwog editor?
    and why does the sex columnist's list of positive traits/qualifications seem so biased to one gender(and not the one with balls...)?

  13. wondering  

    why are most, if not all sex columnists women. assuming all sex columnists aren't afraid of penises (as one can plainly see by reading other sex columns) there should be at least as many men out there having sex as well. i'd even be so bold as to say those men probably think about sex, reflect on the sex they've had, and probably could say a thing or two about sexuality in general. not to mention the entire population of gay men who would also be qualified to write about the topic. c'mon boys step up.

  14. ...  

    Did you pick up a Spec today.

  15. Cam  

    I like this girl already. I also approve of anonymity, especially with a sex column. Too many become voyeuristic looks into the writer's life rather than focusing on the readers'.

  16. this girl  

    is amazing. best thing ever

  17. anonymous?  

    This anonymous writer can't be who she says she is - it's too good to be true. Think of it from an editor's point of view: hot lesiban = straight male readers; witty female = female & gay readers. I bet that "anonymous" is a guy, and gay one at that.

    • barney frank  

      great, more evidence of THE GAY AGENDA, playing with the affections of all those boys who just wanted an all-american lesbian and her hookups to get a little "bi-curious"

      oh the humanity

  18. Are we...

    really this starved for a well-written sex column? This writing is not dynamic, clever, and interesting. I had to force myself to read past the first paragraph (and full disclaimer: I am a girl so the hot lesbian thing didn't really get me going).

    But still, I don't get why everyone thinks this girl/guy/guy-posing-as-lesbian is really that great. She's/he's/it's not.

  19. here's what i think  

    this has got to be anna phillips. it just seems so much like her personality.

  20. huh?  

    wait... the rugby team are lesbians?

  21. not too bad  

    She's a HELL of a lot better than Miriam Datskovsky. More Dan Savage, less Carrie Horseface!

  22. Awesome.  

    I'm pretty excited about this.

  23. fan mail  

    where can I send fan mail to the belle jar?

  24. Sprinkles

    Oooh! I like you, Ms. Jar. More!

    Your column has also made me thankful that my boyfriend doesn't attend Columbia. We're messed up enough as it is.

  25. Chica

    Yeow. I'm not a writer or have edumication, but this is good stuff.

    I too would like to send phan mail to this lady. No mention of Birkenstocks either.

  26. anon

    sex columnists are always women because men don't like to read about sex. they feel like they know it all, or should anyway. also, judging by some of the stories i've heard from friends, a male sex columnist would not be so entertaining. find me a male that can accurately write about love, sex, and relationships and i will eat my words!

  27. a fan...  

    This is some of the most refreshing, original, and witty writing that Columbia has seen in a long time. Thank you, Anonymous, for not regurgitating the obvious and for looking at sex from a stand point outside of that ofa drunken frat boy or overly sexed college student. And, mostly, for knowing how to write. I know I'll keep reading!

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