The Gossip Girl books are ludicrous preteen-girl fantasies marketed by Alloy, a tween clothing catalog. But who are we to judge quality? We are CW viewers. The TV show spin-off of Gossip Girl is The O.C. creator/executive producer Josh Schwartz’s newest foray into the world of teen melodrama. With the onset of The O.C. and Laguna Beach, television has entered a world where money is no concern and high school girls  have sex and drink while strutting around in Marc Jacobs heels. Unlike the previous two series, less class-conscious shows, Gossip Girl is set in the front lines of the class struggle between the rich and the super-rich. Bwog trash correspondents Lucy Tang and Dan D’Addario present a round-up of what you’ve missed so far in the first two episodes.

cwMost Likely to Receive Financial Aid

The Humprey Family (“I’m not trash. I’m from Brooklyn!”). The Humprey father owns a “crappy” art gallery and the family lives in a loft in Williamsburg, but they’re really poor.

Best Personality

Chuck, who, in the first two episodes, has tried to rape two of the show’s female leads, engaged in a threesome with two of his father’s employees, tried to beat the crap out of Dan “Williamsburg P.O.V.” Humphrey, all while wearing a disgusting patchwork scarf.

Least Realistic Aspect of the show

The Humprey’s humble abode. First of all, the aerial shots are of DUMBO, not Williamsburg (get your facts right, Josh Schwartz). Second of all, poor people live in Williamsburg lofts now?

Least Realistic Scene

Dan jumping into a cab and telling the driver, “Williamsburg!” It’s near to impossible to get a cab to Williamsburg in Manhattan; maybe the scene where Dan is furiously haggling with the cab driver was cut out.

Most Williamsburg-y

The Humphrey family – have you heard they live in Williamsburg?!? Is this the Gossip Girl equivalent of Chino [California]?

girlsBest accessory

The obvious answer would be Chuck’s signature look– that scarf. But the right answer is Blair’s two lackeys, otherwise known as the ethnic diversity of Gossip Girl. The Asian and black girl, standing always in the background, being ethnic. Fun factoid: the Asian actress is a pre-med at Johns Hopkins.

Most Likely to be a Virgin

Blair Waldorf. The queen bitch of the U.E.S. is the only character that Chuck has not tried to rape yet, and she can’t get her plasticine boyfriend Nate, still hung up on Serena, to close the deal. We’d do you, B!

Best Shot Sequence

The reformed bad girl Serena waits in the lobby of the Waldorf apartment for her friends to meet her. Nate comes out of a door in the far background, looking both “contemplative” and “horny.” Then the show racks focus to the foreground, as Blair cuts him the fuck off to give Serena a fakey-fake hug. Scorsese, take notes.

Biggest Sad Sacks

The Humphreys (again). Dan dumps Serena after one date because of all her baggage, as though that weren’t the point of dating an Upper East Side girl to begin with. Two weeks in, Jenny is becoming a creepy, Rasputin-like acolyte of Blair. Why are they on this show again? 

worst lookCarrie Bradshaw Memorial Award for Worst Costume Moment

Tie: Blair’s shiny red lips and intense beatnik black turtleneck at the Palace Hotel bar (Episode 1); Serena’s Daisy Dukes (Episode 2)

Sarah Jessica Parker Memorial Award for Cast Member Most In Need of a Root Job and a Burger

Serena’s gay-esque younger brother, who is being set up to date pathetic Jenny Humphrey, like, STOP, show.

Cast Member Name That Most Sounds Like a Character Name From This Show

“Blake Lively,” “Leighton Meester,” “Penn Badgley,” and “Taylor Momsen” all made strong showings, but it was the alliteration of “Chace Crawford” that won it this coveted title. Also, these people’s parents all need to be slapped in the face. 

“Best,” and Most Prophetic Parent:

Eleanor Waldorf, who tells Blair, “You’ll never be as beautiful or as happy or as thin as you are right now” right before Serena returns and Blair’s life turns to shit. Then she tells Blair to fix her split ends, and to stop being a rip-off of Rachel Bilson’s character on The O.C. (she just thought the last one). Eleanor, you are what the pretenders on this show — and we! — aspire to be.

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