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Forensic Poets are on the scene

Once upon a Thursday dreary, into Hillel I wandered weak and weary and heard many a piece of dreadful lore…

joyce1The 22nd Annual Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest had many moments, ranging from hilarity to mediocrity to…is that Umbrella in Latin? Whether it was Columbia Blue balls from the window to the wall or a scientific explanation of Paradiso or a dissertation of the lovability of your cat rendered in fourth grade, readings were intense and poetry was by all means bad.

The night was kicked off by Thomas Vinciguerra, the very same Columbian that, 21 years before, kicked off the original Bad Poetry Contest in John Jay lounge and helped revive the Philolexian Society after years of dormancy. A consequence of the contest’s popularity has been to attract not only geezers (Philo alums) back to Morningside Heights but also several members of University of Pennsylvania’s Philomathean Society.

Victorious, however, was neither the erotic German poet nor the Ode to John Cage (Silence), but Amitai Schlair’s exploration of an explosion at the poem factory where all mediocre poetry creating machines out of commission. Schlair used a variety of techniques, from similes (poetry is like sausage) to poetic puns (the meter meter) and employed them with riotous distaste.

Runners up were geezer Everett Patterson, current Philo President Joshua Schwartz and freshman Jeana Poindexter, respectively.  However, the slew of Columbia and
joyce2Barnard judges failed to recognize the clearly superior poetry of Megan Shannon, who’s Two Unseasonable Haiku (plagiarized from Hannah Gould) and Sexy Beard Man were full of vivid description and a deep sense of irony that riveted an audience that was, for the most part, ambivalent towards the diminishing hilarity of the poetry as the night progressed. At least there weren’t any acrostics.

-JJV

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17 Comments

  • NERDS says:

    @NERDS N=E=R=D=S

    1. invisible_hand says:

      @invisible_hand excuse me, good sir, mr. attends an ivy league university.
      it appears that you did not pay attention to second runner up messr. schwartz’ poem, in which he plainly declares that, no matter what, he will never LARP for any beloved, for it is for NERDS and he is one of the COOL KIDS.

  • please, says:

    @please, post the poems?

    1. yes says:

      @yes the winners will be posted on the Phlog shortly

  • it appears says:

    @it appears that mr. schmonz’s poetry factory explosion may be able to explain the serious grammatical flaws in this article…

    But seriously, a good time was had by all.

    1. wha?!?!? says:

      @wha?!?!? “where all mediocre poetry creating machines out of commission”

      what does this mean????

      1. I believe says:

        @I believe There should be an “are” between “machines” and “out”. Hyphens to makes “mediocre-poetry-creating machines” would have aided also, but the “are” is key. Also, as #11 said, reading it would give you a better sense of going on; besides, it is rather amusing.

  • wheee says:

    @wheee Poindexter’s was totally the best.

    1. it was says:

      @it was good. but sometimes a poem sounds really funny because the presentation is excellent, and the poem isn’t really that funny. Ms. Poindexter’s imitation of everyone’s worst nightmare in CC was superb.

      also, Umbrella, performed in latin, recived an honorary “Cum Laude” mention from the judges!

  • And now... says:

    @And now... The top entries have been posted at the Phlog.

  • fie, you link-eaters says:

    @fie, you link-eaters http://philolexian.blogspot.com/

  • Adam says:

    @Adam Lies! His name is Schmonz! Also–what the flying cluster fuck is the word “respectively” doing in the fourth GRAF of this article? Read a book, Bwog

  • philistine! says:

    @philistine! THIS IS COLUMBIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

  • hello says:

    @hello I really like that first picture and I wonder what is going on in it

    1. That Picture says:

      @That Picture Would be Umbrella being performed in Latin, as mentioned in the first paragraph.

  • Huh? says:

    @Huh? “However, the slew of Columbia and Barnard judges failed to recognize the clearly superior poetry of Megan Shannon, who’s Two Unseasonable Haiku (plagiarized from Hannah Gould) and Sexy Beard Man were full of vivid description and a deep sense of irony that riveted an audience that was, for the most part, ambivalent towards the diminishing hilarity of the poetry as the night progressed.”

    Bwog posts now come with a free grammatically incorrect, unsupported charge of plagiarism?

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