Water Gun Wars Get Heated

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Those of you following CU Assassins may have noticed that in place of the mocking, playful, and egotistical tones of early kill reports, many killins of the past week have been described with malice and aggression. Water-gun-in-your-face aggression.

There are now only two teams remaining in the game – one with two players, and one with three, and the road to the last round has not been an easy one.

Kill reports bear witness to some heated disagreements on the legality of the kill. Bwog also has reports of a vicious email from the realm of the dead accusing murderers of cheating. But let’s be real, history is DEF written by the winners.

Deceased: Diamond Dreamsizzle

Time of Death: Tuesday, March 10 at 03:34 PM

Summary of Death: The Dancing Beauties thought they could outsmart us, but having lasted so long, they didn’t really put up much of a fight. Tiger Steelrail was the first to go, and he pleaded for mercy. You were shot in the neck? I think not friend. Firmdriver was the next victim, and he tried to deny that he was playing. Try having your back fully against the wall, and not partially. Dreamsizzle thought she could outsmart us by standing side by side with her identical twin, but she was no match for us. I’m so sure the water “ricocheted” onto your back. Nice try. R.I.P. THEN END.

Deceased: Buttscratcha

Time of Death: Sunday, March 08 at 12:39 AM

Summary of Death: I’m not funneling kills, I’m just a master of disguise. You gonna dispute this one?

Of course, there were also some traditional kill reports quoting gangsta rap

Deceased: Nanerpus

Time of Death: Wednesday, March 04 at 02:18 PM

Summary of Death: When I die, fuck it I wanna go to hell.. Cause I’m a piece of shit, it ain’t hard to fuckin tell.. It don’t make sense, going to heaven wit the goodie-goodies.. Dressed in white, I like black tims and black hoodies.. God will probably have me on some real strict shit.. No sleepin all day, no gettin my dick licked.. Hangin with the goodie-goodies loungin in paradise.. Fuck that shit, I wanna tote guns and shoot dice..

A few of the straight-up “you are dumb” variety

Deceased: Maverick

Time of Death: Tuesday, March 03 at 01:14 PM

Summary of Death: Don’t whip it out in John Jay. You never know who’s watching you.

A familiar tone of poetic snark

Deceased: Michelle

Time of Death: Tuesday, March 03 at 08:02 PM

Summary of Death: This kill brought to you by your long flowing locks.

And Bwog’s personal favorite – short and sweet

Deceased: Dinkleberrie

Time of Death: Monday, March 09 at 03:10 PM

Summary of Death: Just happened to walk by. Team Phallic Pizza is dunzo.


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  1. Sam Freedlander  

    Dear Douchebags,

    I don’t know exactly who’s cock you sucked on the rules committee, but seriously, could you be any more of a bunch of jackasses? Not only are your kill reports the bitchiest I have ever seen, but its obvious that you guys are either huge liars or need to get your eyes checked. First, let me remind you kids of the stated rules on a kill:

    A valid kill may only result from a clean shot to the back torso of a player. Backpacks, coats, or other clothing items DO count as kills. Shots to the arms, neck, or head DO NOT count as kills.

    Now, lets see. You shot me in the neck, and only in the neck. Glance above for a sec. It seems to say that neck shots don’t count. The best you could find was a few specs on a shirt on my shoulder. That certainly doesn’t seem to be a clean shot. And your argument to us; “come on,” like we should just give you guys the kill because you were close? No thanks.

    Your next kill, even more ridiculous. If someone is standing with their back to the wall, I find it hard to believe that you could somehow shoot them in the back. So unless you can move through walls, you obviously shot him in the side. I’m sure you just bitched to the rules committee again that “his back wasn’t all the way on the wall” and got what you wanted again.

    This last one was the best story though. You guys shoot the wrong twin, and somehow turn that into a kill? Well that’s just impressive. If I’d known we could, I would have shot someone named Steve and demanded your badge a long time ago. And somehow your argument turns from “well we shouldn’t be punished for shooting the wrong person” to “well I still got the right person.” I don’t know why you didn’t say so in the first place. Except for the fact that the person you shot was standing behind your target, and after a minute of searching, all you could find were a few specs of water, which were just as probably due to the fact that it was starting to rain as it was to your poor aim.

    All in all, I’m just amazed that you kids can turn a few tiny drops into a clean shot to the back in each case. That must be some fantastic head for the rules chair. But I don’t want there to be any hard feelings, so I want to get each of you a consolation prize: a travel-sized bottle of Scope to get the taste of fresh cum out of your mouths. Enjoy your victory, you’ve certainly earned it.

    A person who enjoyed this game until some douches took it over.

  2. It's a watergun fight  

    Some perspective, bitches. Please.

  3. Wow  

    That comment is disgusting. People like you don't belong at Columbia.

  4. hahaha  

    Wow, someone is a closeted homo. Who talks about the taste of "fresh"cum?

  5. Jonathan Piliser

    Well Sam does make a valid point. We are cheating liars and I actually can go through walls... Being super powered is not against the rules so that is fair. My teammates' ability to lie also isn't against the rules. Oh, and Sam forgot to mention my response. I told him about how I forwarded his email to public safety because I felt so threatened and I swear I'd call public safety if he emailed me again... YAY Assassins!!

  6. Adam Nobler  

    Why can't I transfer my laundry from the washer to the dryer using laundryview?

  7. agent shonice  

    HAHAHA SAM HAHAHA!! Wow, genuinely inspired. A true show of sportsmanship and tact. I love it.

  8. Steve Carbonara  

    And Manning is going down! I don't care how much we need to cheat to do it!

  9. Jonathan Piliser

    We posted those just as much as Sam posted the first one.

  10. well...  

    I mean, maybe you didn't post it, but, you did write it. So... its not JUST as much...

  11. Jonathan Piliser

    I didn't write it. As I... I mean sam said in his post... Sam wrote it.

  12. blowy  

    Now i'm confused

  13. Jonathan Piliser  

    Seriously guys, if you don't stop being mean to me and my team I'm going to run to public safety and get you all in SO much trouble. I already warned you about this so do not test me.

  14. sucky  

    Well, is it really psafe you are worried about? I would be more concerned with other people seeing this. Like, peers and colleagues.

    • Jonathan Piliser  

      Anyone who knows ANYTHING about this situation knows that my team is a bunch of lying bastards, so it's not like I care.

      I'm also gonna tell my mommy on you.

  15. eaty  

    People don't care about possible cheating in a game, they care about blatant and offensive homophobia.

  16. lol

    i thought you guys were in college.

  17. what does...  

    jonathan piliser have to do with this? I'm very lost. You guys are dumb. At least fresh cum is better than rotten cum.

  18. Jonathan Piliser  

    That obviously wasn't a homophobic statement, even I wasn't offended by it and I'm sure Sam didn't even realize who he was sending it to... and I'm surprised that Harry couldn't tell the difference between the two twins (hence our need to cheat) because they are definitely NOT identical. Well, touch shit Dancing Beauties, maybe next year you can learn a thing or two about how to cheat from us.

  19. google  

    you will forever be associated with this. sucks to be you!

  20. who the hell brandon wolfeld, and how did so much sand get into his vagina?

  21. Jonathan Piliser  

    Now I'm really going to tell on you Brandon! You're such a meanie!!!!!

  22. agent bearclaw  

    four out of these six reports are mine. eat it.

  23. Sammy Freedlander  

    the twin "beauties" are both equally as pale as myself, but if you look closely you will see that in fact one of them is just under three feet tall, while the other towers over her at 3 feet.

  24. Robespierre  

    Even I can learn a thing or two about cheating from this team.

  25. A Former Participant  

    Can someone tell me what "Then end", the apparent sign off of some very successful agent, is supposed to mean? I feel his or her attempt at some sort of clever sign-off instead falls woefully short of his or her intended wittiness and just seems like he or she struggles with grammatical correctness. But maybe I'm completely off base.

    • bearclaw  

      i can't tell you what THEN END means, but i can tell you that it's not one agent's signoff, it's the whole team's (harry, steve, and jonny). wouldn't want you to think one person had gotten all those kills.

      and boys, if you're reading this, i'm coming for you. see you soon! :)

  26. Popplebitch  

    Wah wah wah. The water ricocheted of my back! Somehow I was able to determine this while I stupidly had my back exposed to the ever so dangerous agent shonice. Next year I will wear stilts so people will think I am normal person height.

    • ...  

      As a friend of Diamond Dreamsizzle, I would like to punch you in the balls.

    • Jonathan Piliser  

      Oh Man, yeah she is TOTALLY short... I forgot that its not okay to be homophobic but it is fine to pick on people about their height... but its okay because the twin "beauties" (well, only one of which was part of The Dancing Beauties") are so sensitive about their height... haha man, I'm glad my team (Team Douchebag if you will) is so original with their insults... oh yeah, SAM IS A VAMPIRE, LOOK HOW PALE HE IS YOU CAN SEE THROUGH HIM!!! haha, nice.

  27. the wise ones  

    take the 40+ hours that you spend dealing with trying to win the $400 to spread across your team and work 40 hours at 20$/hour, then mock you all.

  28. agent bearclaw  

    Julie, meet me in front of Claremont tomorrow. we're going to try a stake out.

  29. Sammy Freelander  

    I am too clever for my own good.

  30. Millie Manning  

    I am no match for my next targets. I resign from CU assassins.

  31. bearclaw  

    so there's this cool thing about bwog... it's called the track feature so you can see which ones are actually posted by me!

    btw, i wouldn't be shooting my mouth off about my abilities considering that i have more kills then your team combined. good night!

  32. But Millie  

    Your team also has more deaths than our team combined! Anyway, good luck. Nothing could be worse than what we've had to deal with in this last team. Could you tell us what color wig you plan on wearing each day, though? It would really help in avoiding your kill attempts.

  33. then end  

    Since i got the first kill of the game, i had never written or read a kill report before. Anyways, i was so excited, that i forgot to proof read it, and accidentally ended it with "Then end" instead of The end. Well, instead of being upset about this typo, i simply turned it in to a catch phrase! Then end.

    Also, i would just like to say that we do not plan on being sore ass losers if you don't. I'm sick of dealing with those.

    May the best team win (because clearly we are down to the 2 best teams)

  34. question  

    Last year if you shot someone who wasn't playing or who was already dead and they reported you for it you got disavowed (or at least I know one person that happened to). Was that not a rule this year?

  35. A Dancing Beauty

    I have no problem admitting that the two last teams are deservedly there. Would you guys have killed us anyway? Either you or the police probs, there really was no effective way for us to get Millie especially when I passed her twice one night and didn't recognize her. We also aren't sore losers, I don't mind being Deceased I would just prefer a truthful series of events. My upper back was against the wall and you shot me in the "love handle " . I submitted my case, rules chair said no fine I am dead, but its stupid foe you to claim I was three feet away from the wall with my back facing you. That is all I have a problem with.

    • sorry for not..  

      ...using the "reply to:" thing. The post before yours (yes, there are other posts here) was titled "question." The world doesn't revolve around you...

      Also, they were both checking their surroundings. I'm just saying, clearly her twin was not just walking to class, but was actively looking out for assassins. And, i was disavowed for it, so, there it goes. And why is "shot" in quotes? They had no clue i was there until my gun was dripping.

      Also, regarding your kill, i wasn't there, but i believe there were multiple witnesses to it. Go talk to them.

  36. answer  

    Regarding the innocent victim rule: The website clearly states that if the person puts his or herself in harm's way, then they are no longer innocent. Considering the guilty twin hid behind her nonplaying counterpart (after they were both shot several times), it clearly shows that she wasn't as innocent as she claimed. Also, my whole team was (wrongly) disavowed for about 12 hours, so maybe they thought that was punishment enough.

  37. Answer...?

    1) I didn't ask a question.
    2) The event you are talking about is not the one I am...
    3) You just admitted you shot an innocent bc she didn't run for cover until after you. "shot". I assume the rule is in place for that reason. You shoot the right person, not just anyone who looks like them.
    Sorry you guys are just idiots not douchebags.

  38. Correct...

    There were witnesses and they made that abundantly clear because once
    I said I would dispute the witnesses reassured Johnny boy saying "we
    are witnesses" as if they had something to worry about. There were
    also witnesses who saw how wet and where I was wet who agree with me.
    I'm not trying to argue it wasn't a kill, because in the end the rules
    chair decides so whatever. Also, i can't talk to the witnesses about
    it because I was told that if I contacted our dear Jonathan that I'd
    have big bad public safety headed my way... oh wait that's right, they
    wouldn't do shit about it.

  39. sore losers

    seriously, stop whining

  40. Team Beauties  

    You sau'm Bitch.

  41. Wow...

    So basically this war is "Hey Beauties your sore losers stop whining" vs. "You guys are cheating Douchebags" why don't you all just fucking sit in a room and deal with it non-anonymously. The point is moot anyway because Millie is going to fucking go ninja on the remaining team and end up winning. The track button on BWOG is really awesome because it lets you know who posted what in comparison to other posts... good fun.

  42. lol

    Well, the war is more like "you guys are cheating douchebas" vs. "HAHAHAHA!"

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