Know what you’re going to be for Halloween? Neither do we. With three days to go, it’s time to give in and get serious—you’re not going to buck gender normativity this year, pal. But all is not lost, with this list of easy-to-find, last minute costumes. Hustle over to Ricky’s (you know you’ve always wanted to see the inside) or a friend’s well-stocked closet so you don’t feel like a fool come Friday
O’Connell’s Cougar: Distinguish yourself from the riffraff with this studded “Waist Beauty”
Grad student: She works nights to pay for her Ph.D., but that doesn’t mean she can’t have a little fun. The “Slutty Barista” ($29.99) is at Ricky’s.
Columbia’s Shrinking Endowment: Find a large friend and wear his clothes. A variation on the traditional “Shrinking Woman” costume.
The Regretful Carman Resident: Doodle on yourself with permanent marker. Look forlorn, and repeat: “No, guys! I was napping, not passed out!”
Brown Student: Columbia students of the 1960’s wish they were this cool.
Jeffrey Sachs: Buy The End of Poverty, $14 (in paperback) at the bookstore. Be self-assured.
The Other: Collect your friends’ University Writing Lens Essays. Tape them to your body, overuse the phrase “societal construct,” and make people feel generally uncomfortable.
If, after all that, you’re still unwilling to be a cog in the corporate machine, you can always dress up as Jack Kerouac. Spend the night hunched over your typewriter at the Hungarian—no parties allowed.