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The Ego And The Fake ID

If you don’t have a fake ID today and plan on going to a bar in New York City that isn’t a teen club  you should get one tomorrow morning. Below, tales of stories of Bwoggers’ first fakes. Hi, Mom!

  • I got my first fake ID in the parking lot of a Ross Department Store in downtown Los Angeles, it said I had “blonde” eyes. A merciless club bouncer took it away in Savannah, Georgia.
  • I got my first fake when I was vising my sister at Columbia when she was a freshman. It worked beautifully for three years until one day on a skiing trip to Hunter, I lost my wallet and someone turned it in to the Lost & Found. Before giving my wallet back to me, the security guy asked me when my birthday was, so I told him. He then took out my fake and told me that I was committing a felony. He said he’d call the cops on me if he let me have it back.
  • Toronto’s Yonge Street presents, for a few blocks, a slew of greasy basement shops cramped underneath the strip clubs and sports bars at street level. Several of these advertise: “$25! Best Fake ID In Town!” I picked my first up during Toronto LGBTQ Pride 2009. It’s perfect, although it looks only about as good as you could expect for the cost: in Toronto they see that it’s a Quebec ID and ask me only si je parle français (I do), while in New York they see that it’s in French and give up trying to read it.
  • I (wisely) skipped my Frontiers lecture winter of freshman year to get my fake. It was freezing cold and raining/snowing, and when my friend and I first got to [we’re redacting the name in case it’s still open], the place was closed for lunch. We wandered around in the cold for hours, but the first ID they made misspelled my last name. Identity-fraud wary and proud of my semi-anglo last name, I insisted the guy make me another one with my name properly spelled. Two Maine IDs for the price of one.
  • I went to International to pick up a party-size bottle of Smirnoff, feeling like I knew what was up and how to play it cool – I mean I grew up in Brooklyn and I had my fake for like almost a whole year. When I got to the front of the line, said bottle of sminoroff in hand, the guy asked to see my id, so I – cool as cucumber – pulled out my trusty Delaware State id card – a non scan-able piece of junk I bought for $65 on Eighth Street in NYU land two summers previous.  The back of the card actually read “THIS IS NOT A TRANSFERABLE ID CARD.”  But hey, it worked – I mean most of the time.  And I never even learned my address in Delaware.
    Things continued to go smoothly, the guy did the usual glance at the card, glance at you thing, handed it back and began to ring up the vodka.  I pulled out my credit card and handed to him.  He looked at it.
    “This isn’t the name on your id.” My fake id had my first and last name on it and the credit card had my mother’s first and maiden name on it. “What is this?”
    “It’s my mom’s credit card! I promise!”
    “It doesn’t matter whose it is –it’s illegal to use someone else’s credit card, did you know that? Be careful next time,” He said handing back the credit card.
    “Crestfallen, humiliated and sure my night was ruined, I re-opened my wallet. “Hey, um, can I pay with cash then?”
    He paused for a half second, then shrugged “Sure.”
    So an early lesson in Morningside: International is tough on credit cards, lax on ids.

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  • Hooah says:

    @Hooah “one day on a skiing trip to Hunter”…SKI TEAM!

  • sic says:

    @sic love me some of that sminoroff

    1. Eliza says:

      @Eliza Oh wow, that was egregious. Fixed.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Canada FTW!

  • CC12 says:

    @CC12 I have never been carded at International. I paid $100 for an ID with my picture that blacklights and scans with my information. WHY WON’T THEY CARD ME?!

    1. David D Davidson says:

      @David D Davidson Any chance you could hook me up with info on that source without posting it on bwog for all the freshies to see? My fake is shit – I paid 120 for it and got ripped off. The guy promised it would scan and blacklight. A friend who has the same says it scans but I sure as hell know it doesn’t blacklight.

  • lame says:

    @lame @ CC12: oh man. how can i manage to get hooked up with a fake like that?

  • Hurray! says:

    @Hurray! I’m 21 for realzies!

  • Hey Losers says:

    @Hey Losers Seriousla, if you ask me, I’d wait a couple of years until I’d be 21. but I am 21, so yea suck it up bitches and stay young. I can get hot chicks booze if they ask nicely.

  • come on says:

    @come on Everyone’s ID ‘scans.’ The guys always tell you it does when you get it,and how are you gonna know right then if it doesn’t? It’s like a dealer telling you it’s good shit. Of course he’s gonna say that, he’s got nothing to lose. Most people are too terrified to go anywhere that scans hard with a fake so everyone just repeats what the ID guy told them.

    I’m 22. My real ID doesn’t scan. I just give them my poker face and they take it.

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