Call for Opening Remarks

Written by

The first day of school according to Wikimedia

You know the drill, unless you were born in 1992. On the first day of classes, professors say sweet, funny, strange and wonderful things to try to keep you in their classes, and also because they are sweet, funny, strange and wonderful people sometimes. When your professor says something worth sharing, email [email protected] or write it in the comments and we’ll compile all the first day inspiration later in the week.

Tags: , ,


  1. Anonymous  

    Professor Gary Okihiro (while talking about finding textbooks online):

    "Tear down the capitalist market! Except for my books, you should buy those."

  2. Anon.

    Professor John Ross Morrison (Intro. to Logic):

    After using a syllogism to explain the fate of Don Draper's firm, Morrison adds, "You know, I think that Don Draper has taken a turn for the better."

    Also, when discussing artificial languages:

    "Why do people create artificial languages, like Klingon and Elvish? Well, besides to meet other people at conferences, I mean."

  3. anon  

    Professor Uri Cohen (Lit Hum):

    "As a representative of Columbia, I will certainly enjoy taking your money for the next for years."

  4. Anonymous  

    Peter Norden (Studies in OR):

    While reading down a roster of names for attendance / to learn people's names

    Norden: "(insert random Korean first name) Kim?"
    Student: "Here!"
    Norden: "Ah I see. I once read an article that said that if you stood in the center of Seoul and yelled out 'Kim', 'Lee', or 'Park' something like 97% of the population would respond"

  5. Anonymous  

    David McKenna (Script Analysis):

    "I only use the internet for two things: following San Antonio Spurs basketball, and pornography ... don't email me."

    • Hahaha  

      He said that last year too. Excellent class.

      Anyways: Marcellus Andrews—Intro to Economic Reasoning at Barnard

      "We're going to talk about some new ways to think of the economic machine, so you can help design the future of our country. If you just want to make a shit ton of money, oh man, you are going learn some excellent ways to exploit this new machine"

  6. Anonymous  

    I will loyally protect the anonymity of the professor who started his class with this:

    I don't believe in syllabi. Nobody should quote me on this because I'll be fired, but I think they're a symbol of stupidity and rigidity.

  7. Hooah  

    "This is my last year before retirement so I can say anything I damn well please."
    -Richard Bulliet, History of the World

  8. Anonymous  

    \If you want a background on Islamic Law there's a little book you can by called \An Introduction to Islamic Law\ by Hallaq.\
    —Wael Hallaq, Central Questions in Islamic Law

  9. Anonymous  

    Richard Billows on Greek history: "It's like trying to do a ten-thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle with only three-thousand of the pieces."

    John Kender: "Raise your hands, or this is gonna turn into a frat party...and that's not what we do at Columbia."
    "if you get too clever for small problems, you're stupid."

  10. Anonymous  

    "Welcome to Intro to Cardio" - Audra Simpson, teaching a class on the 7th floor of Hamilton (Intro to Native American Studies).

  11. Anonymous  

    Andrew Delbanco (Foundations of American Lit) at the close of his first lecture: "Alright. I'm going to stop with that completely incoherent and anticlimactic conclusion."

    Well. At least he admitted to it. =P

  12. Anonymous

    Eric Foner (US History in the era of Civil War and Reconstruction):

    "I'm warning you: if you ever use your laptop for ANYTHING other than taking notes, there will be severe consequences. I won't say what they are, but I worked them out with former Vice President Dick Cheney. They're not against the Geneva Conventions. According to his interpretation."

© 2006-2015 Blue and White Publishing Inc.