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Closing Remarks: Sex, Drugs, Crimes


And so it ends—not with a bang, but with a whimper—the last semester of the first decade of the new millennium. And if you needed more roundabout and somewhat forced catharsis than that, we asked for your professors’ closing remarks, and here is a collection of the most outstanding. Feel free to leave any we forgot in the comments. Study well!

Paige West, Interpretation of Culture:
“Remember, condoms rhymes with fun.”

Susan Elmes, Intermediate Microeconomics
Wincing after rolling a chalkboard in need of WD-40: “I am NOT going to miss this chalkboard.”

Panagiota Daskalopoulos, Ordinary Differential Equations
After talking about her time as a grad student at the University of Chicago, in reference to exams: “You know how it’s like when someone has suffered a lot, and they want to make other people suffer too?”

David Weinstein, Economic Organization and Development of Japan
“Will Japan be able to restore its growth again? Well, if Japan grows again it will provide a world of opportunity for you, and a new set of lecture notes for me.”

“Just because Japan has an aging population does not mean we can assume that there will be a blow out of the budget deficit. There are costs associated with young people. They tend to do things like commit crimes… and form drug cartels. But only Columbia College students would do that. Not the GS students here.”

James Shapiro, Shakespeare I
Suggesting a possible question for the final exam: “Drugs and incest: How do A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Hamlet prepare you for Columbia?”

Cathy Popkin, Literature and Empire
“I’m always ready to talk about Chekhov. I still have my ‘I love Chekhov’ tattoo.”

Caterina Musatti, Principles of Economics
“Around the year zero, when Jesus was born, it would have taken you about 7,000 years for the economy to double output. Maybe Jesus should have focused more on the economy… then again, when you can come back from the dead, you don’t really have a great concept of time.”

Gary Okihiro, Intro to Comparative Ethnic Studies
“Do your best to leave behind traces of a life well-lived.”

Roosevelt Montas, CC
“Locke is like a Christmas carol—music to our ears.”

Marcellus Andrews, Intro to Economic Reasoning
“We should really have a class on how to fuck.”

Beau Shaw, CC
“So… did any of you spend the weekend in jail?”

Evan Neely, Art Hum
“I have nothing more to say about art. Now you have to look at it yourself and figure it out. Actually, no. Go get a drink now. Tomorrow, look at art.”

“If you don’t see the value in understanding how other people make meaning… that’s not my problem.”

Randall Balmer, Unknown Class
After handing out the finals and leaving the TA to proctor: “Alright… well… have a nice life!”

Sarah Schaeffer, Art Hum
“But I don’t wanna end the class talking about Nazis, so here’s a picture of The Simpsons.”

Richard Sacks, Lit Hum
[A student asks, “Will we need any of our books for next semester?”]
“I don’t know. It depends, maybe you’ll go to a party like Jesus and run out of wine and you’ll need extra shelf space to hold a few 6 packs at all times to keep up the party.”

Gary Okihiro, Intro to Comparative Ethnic Studies
“You don’t wake up in the morning and go, ‘Damn! I’m white!'”

Matthew Jones, CC
“I kept trying to get you guys to talk about sex, drugs, and rock & roll, but all you wanted to talk about was public policy.”

Christia Mercer, Lit Hum
“Rock, paper, scissors, penises! …and vaginas! it’s the end of the semester, anything goes!”

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  • I wake up every morning and say says:

    @I wake up every morning and say damn I’m white

    1. I wake up in the morning says:

      @I wake up in the morning Feeling like (a white) P. Diddy.

  • James Shapiro is the best says:

    @James Shapiro is the best .

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Randall Balmer – Religion, Politics and the Presidency

  • Richard Sacks is says:

    @Richard Sacks is the greatest. “For real” — Antoine Dodson

    PS: His paraphrasing God’s speech in the Book of Job: “By the way, have you ever been to my mountain place where I keep snowballs?”

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous ol’ dirty equations

  • cc'11 says:

    @cc'11 this is my favorite thing on bwog!!!!!
    love columbia

  • It sounds weird says:

    @It sounds weird when your professors try to make sexual references. They should focus on being professionals.

    1. yes and no says:

      @yes and no Your first (descriptive) sentence is correct. You second (normative) sentence makes me think you’re a boring, overly moralistic prick.

      1. Anonymous says:

        @Anonymous your parenthetical definitions make you sound like a boring prick.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous “Rock, paper, scissors, penises! …and vaginas! it’s the end of the semester, anything goes!”

    this one sounds lame.

    1. yea says:

      @yea it’s like she’s soo fucking desperate for a gold nugget on culpa.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous I have another great Weinstein one. Same class, while explaining why that it’s okay for there to only be one living Japanese person left, as long as that person is female:

    “Guys, be nice to your wives, because you’re redundant…with sperm banks, you really don’t matter.”

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous With artificial incubators and egg banks women don’t matter…

      1. yeah says:

        @yeah but for the female version it’s $200 + turkey baster = miracle of life, whereas yours gets a little trickier

      2. pretty sure says:

        @pretty sure you need the uterus of a living animal to grow any sort of advanced organism..say a mammal for example

      3. You says:

        @You are probably frustrated because you are not getting laid. Finals will be over soon, get drunk and go to barnard.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous i love cathy popkin! shes such an awesome professor :D

    1. Lit Hum 08-09 says:

      @Lit Hum 08-09 FOREVER

  • ... says:

    @... BWOG should do this randomly throughout the year and not just for opening and closing remarks

  • Okihiro says:

    @Okihiro is the man!

  • Okihiro says:

    @Okihiro didn’t show up to his last two classes of the year.

  • anon says:

    @anon marcellus didnt say that in his intro to economics reasoning class. i was there. must’ve been another one of his classes

  • Squirrel says:

    @Squirrel My love for Christia Mercer is forever and undying.

    1. hahahah says:

      @hahahah amsterdam squirrel, you say?!

  • depressed says:

    @depressed i’m totally going to fail these finals :(

    1. OPTIMISM says:


      1. PESSIMISM says:

        @PESSIMISM You’re going to fail!

        1. EXISTENSIALISM says:

          @EXISTENSIALISM It doesn’t matter anyways!

          1. woops says:

            @woops *existentialism..

          2. JUDAISM says:

            @JUDAISM Oy, finals!

          3. POSTMODERNISM says:

            @POSTMODERNISM Finals are just a social construct, anyway.

    2. Lowtax says:

      @Lowtax Slam-a-lam-a-ding-dong

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Matthew Jones is a god.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Evan Neely, that is two semesters in a row where your last class drinking comments have graced Bwog! What would your mother think?

    1. ... says:

      @... evan neely is kindofa toolbox.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous I see that sounding stupid is \in\ again.

  • Okihiro says:

    @Okihiro Is above the Man, man.

  • Mr. Marcellus Andrews says:

    @Mr. Marcellus Andrews does anyone know the context for Marcellus’ quote? he always would say stuff completely out of context and as a student of his I would think to myself, “wait…what?!??”

  • Richard Sacks says:

    @Richard Sacks Is one funny dude.

    and I am in that class, that was a stupid question.

  • XVII says:

    @XVII I still miss Xavier’s “cookies”

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