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Orgo Night: This One Was Too Easy

Tonight was Orgo Night, that (rare) cherished Columbia tradition, in which The Cleverest Band in the World occupies Butler 209 and strives to “lower the curve on the orgo exam” by telling raunchy jokes with topical music interspersed. Likely due to a number of recent events, 209 was buzzing by 11:10 p.m. By 11:20 Public Safety had arrived, and by 11:30, all library taboos were out the window! Burly Public Safety officers acted as bouncers, keeping disappointed students penned in the hallway.

As one freshman girl noted, “Orgo Night is harder to get in than Campo!”

At 12:00 a.m. sharp, CUMB entered that hallowed hall and proceeded to entertain.

CUMB teased the crowed early with a Vincenzo/drug bust joke, but then backed off and went for the Social Experiment. The band made classic riffs on paying Columbia students to talk to people, and referenced the Crimson article which belittled it. Harvard students, the band explained, had their fathers to buy them friends.

After playing “Tainted Love,” the band cheered the recent sorority recognition, noting that “one fourth of Barnard women are in sororities. In an unrelated Spectator article, one fourth of Barnard women have herpes,” to very mixed reactions. The band rejoiced in the sororities since Barnard had apparently lacked a place for women to join together in sisterhood, at least until the recent mandatory meal plan, because friends who “binge together, purge together.” Again, mixed reactions.

At the end of “Stacy’s Mom,” CUMB moved on to Assange. The “secrets” released by Wikileaks are really no big deal, the band believes. “Saudi Arabia supporting terrorism? Afghanistan being a shitshow? Those things are about as secretive as a SEAS kid’s porn addiction.” Next they stopped by the email from SIPA, and mused why art majors didn’t get such an email. After a few more Barnard jokes, they played “Toxic.”

Next our marching band advised the crowd on TSA travel tips. If you’re a SEAS student and get patted down, refrain from ejaculating—CUMB knows that to you “a foreign touch is your left hand.” But it’s no big deal, the band comforts, because being groped by high school dropouts is just like a Well Woman center. “Sweet Dreams” came next.

Gender-neutral housing was praised. The band wondered, why are these conservative pundits complaining we’ll live in sin on our parents’ dime?  “Haven’t they been to college?” And it’s great for another reason: “Barnard students can spend the night with a guy and see him again.”

Finally, what the crowd had been waiting for: Epstein. A concerned citizen called CrimeStoppers because he heard exuberant cries of “Who’s your daddy?” from Epstein’s office. The crowd laughed, cried, groaned. The affair began, CUMB confided, when at the breakfast table Epstein asked, “You come here often?” After being arrested in what the police called “Operation Poppa Cherry,” Epstein is on indefinite leave, probably to spend “less time with his family.” The band regaled the lovers with “Sweet Child of Mine.”

And in a grand finale, the band broke with word of the 5 Loko (groan). The band noted that frat boys often use drugs to get ahold of busts—but that the NYPD was doing it wrong using busts to get ahold of drugs. Then again, the dealers are party to blame. After all, when a GS student wants to “score some reefer, brah,” it is probably best to decline.  The NYPD was unfair in naming it “Operation Ivy League,” they bemoaned—if NYPD arrested NYU students would it be called “Operation Safety School”? The band thanked their stars for the procrastination tool Bwog comments provided and congratulated campus news sources on their good work, but “not you Spectrum, nobody fucking cares.”

Sadly, this was where the show ended. CUMB advised the crowd to “try not to damage the shelves” on the way out, and everybody left feeling like we have a community here after all.

Photos by AB and CDS

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  • Why... says:

    @Why... did you use the review tag, when this is nothing more than a summary?

  • YOU KNOW WHAT says:


  • just thinking says:

    @just thinking the same thing. disappointing…

    1. about the says:

      @about the review/summary thing that is

  • As a Junior says:

    @As a Junior I can say that the reception to the band and the excitement / electricity in the room at the beginning of Orgo Night this year was probably the most school spirit I have witnessed in my time here. Perhaps these recent events have tested our sense of community and made us a bit stronger and prouder to be Columbia students. Just my thoughts …

    1. Only at Columbia says:

      @Only at Columbia do we bond over negative press. We truly are a dysfunctional yet harmonious family.

  • Whoever says:

    @Whoever wrote this “review” clearly has never been to an Orgo Night before. S/he didn’t even pick up on sarcasm?

    This was the biggest boner-killer post-orgo post I’ve ever read.

    1. confused says:

      @confused He gave a good account of some of the jokes and the reactions to them. To what sarcasm are you referring?

  • :/ says:

    @:/ It wasn’t that funny.

  • Nice says:

    @Nice Pictures of the back of everyone’s head…

  • A Peter Labuza, CC'11, Review says:

    @A Peter Labuza, CC'11, Review Going into Orgo Night this year may have caused some anxiety. The Columbia University Marching Band, lovingly CUMB, is known for taking no prisoners when it comes to destroying all that is precious at this school. And with a semester that came close to the insanity of Fall 2007, were the band going to make us all cringe?

    Yes, but only with the latest Barnard joke, whether it was the one in 4 with herpes, or reminding them to please switch their vibrators to phone mode.

    And thus started what was in fact, one of the best Orgo nights in recent memory. After last year’s Orgo may have pushed the boundaries too far with Cornell suicide jokes, the band delivered a fresh spin on the events of this year. This included things like The Social Experiment, TSA patdowns “SEAS boys: please don’t blow your load”), David Epstein, Wikileaks (SIPA to it’s students: “SHUT THE FUCK UP IF YOU WANT TO GET A JOB”), and yes, the Columbia 5.

    Ultimately though, the band brought each back with a Barnard or SEAS joke, which there were plenty of. Barnard Girls may not have the core but they had “their sowing circles…excuse me, seminars.” While SEAS boys could use Gender Neutral Housing to actually speak to someone and try a new type of “Gateway Project.” (One sad moment: An innocent freshman being pointed at and told he would not be getting laid at all).

    One might think they would get old by this point, but it’s also a comfort to hear the classic jokes, along with some new spins. The stuff on former Prof Epstein who “would be taking a leave of absence, though not to spend time with his family” was one of the highlights, as well as an Orgo Test hint that “If you taking an altoid from a frat, YOU ARE ON ACID.”

    The Columbia 5 stuff was quite tame compared to what they could have done, both a good job by playing it safe, though one would expect the band to go all out if there was ever a time.

    Ultimately though, Orgo Night satisfied in the way it always does—this place is fucking insane sometimes, and it’s good to release that insanity in the black hole of Columbia, Butler 209. Yes, we’ve heard the Barnard, GS, and SEAS jokes (a controversial point of the night: “at least pre-teens are better than CC girls.”) before, but like a snuggling blanket from your childhood, they are a comfort to be in, even if it’s a little dirty. Call it senior year nostalgia, but it’s hard to imagine an event I’ll miss more.


    PS: What the fuck is G(tb)^2?

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous See, that wasn’t so hard, now was it, Bwog?

    2. review? says:

      @review? Do you really need a review? If you don’t get into 209, you’d like to see see the jokes (or hear them if there’s a video) and then decide for yourself whether or not you find them funny. I don’t see why you need someone telling you whether or not they find it funny. Orgo Night isn’t a play, just a series of jokes.

  • Lolz: says:

    @Lolz: The grammar in this article is sooooo, so bad. “Refrain from ejaculated.” …what does that even mean?

  • Lolz: says:

    @Lolz: Nice grammar.

  • is it just me says:

    @is it just me or does orgo night almost make the easiest jokes. wit, plz?

    1. there says:

      @there was some wit “Operation Poppa Cherry” lmfao

  • Domination says:

    @Domination There was much of it at Orgo Night. Also, the bass drum players are all far too sexy to be out in public. Really just the one guy…

    1. yea says:

      @yea and don’t forget the sexy script reader also used to be a bass drummer. percussion = HOT

      1. Anonymous says:

        @Anonymous especially the one that did the solo

        1. obvs says:

          @obvs band is the sexiest. let’s be real.

  • Bad Review Madlib, Orgo Night edition says:

    @Bad Review Madlib, Orgo Night edition I didn’t think the show was very good. The entire cast is very talented, but the writing was pretty bad. After seeing four of these semesters you can see the hackneyed Columbia insider jokes coming from a mile away. Both the context and the relaying of the jokes were very unoriginal, and the subplots were so disjointed. The Epstein throw-in and the Barnard story were pretty awful. It made the show boring and predictably cheesy. Furthermore, in true Orgo Night tradition, the story line was weak toward the end, causing much of the audience around me to lose interest. However, the two leads saved the show from a total disaster, and the charm and talent of the cast carried the show, effectively lifting this viewer’s judgment from a 5 to a 6.5 out of 10.

    1. Madlibs says:

      @Madlibs I look forward to your comment come VShow.

    2. Yo says:

      @Yo chill! this is the same review they posted for Xmas. this is meant to be funny. ha-ha-ha

  • CUMB fan says:


  • bitter says:

    @bitter I was extremely offended by the Barnard jokes… until I realized that the hosts only made them because they’re not getting any

    1. G(tb)^2 says:

      @G(tb)^2 As a member of the band, I can say with absolute authority that we are getting plenty.

  • bitter-er says:

    @bitter-er and then I tried to find the leader afterward to take him up on his offer about proving him wrong about CC girls… but he had to go call his mom

    1. Hey! says:

      @Hey! …I love my mom….

  • person says:

    @person Better punch line:

    If the litmus paper turns blue it’s a base.
    If the litmus paper turns red it’s an acid.
    If the litmus paper has a face that speaks to you with the collective wisdom of your paper ancestors, decrying the slow metaphysical rhythms of the vibrating atoms whose intense desire for pure self-expression is engaged in a constant process of creating the concept of a you, and the you that is created is the chosen one, the very reincarnation of Jesus Christ and the abstract concept of love wrapped into one entity of pure light and unfiltered experience, then you should stop eating candy you find at frat houses.

    1. Fab says:

      @Fab Basically the text of every acid trip description I’ve heard. I think you’re missing something along the lines of the “ineffable oneness with everything.”

  • where says:

    @where is the video?????

  • Orgo student says:

    @Orgo student The best part is that there isn’t even a curve to lower on the orgo exam.

    1. MOOT says:

      @MOOT urdoinitwrong

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Shouldn’t it be a hold and not ahold, if we’re going with good english?

    1. No says:

      @No Unless you are from the UK.

  • hmmm says:

    @hmmm it seemed like there was some awkward vibe between the two readers. the taller one gave me the creeps.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous not a very good review. So many typos..

  • roar says:

    @roar lion roar!!

  • where's says:

    @where's the video?!

  • can says:

    @can you post the video please, folchism?

  • why... says:

    @why... does the band only play four songs? learn something new, please.

    1. why... says:

      @why... *the same four songs

    2. Actually says:

      @Actually We played two new songs this year, Stacy’s Mom and Dynamite.

      1. also says:

        @also we never play songs at 2 orgo nights in a row….

  • a black guy says:

    @a black guy why are there no black people at orgo night

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous They’re all at midnight breakfast.

  • will there be says:

    @will there be video?

  • WOW says:

    @WOW Isn’t that one of the “Columbia 5” in the third picture down on the right column?

  • Poet Laureate (short one) says:

    @Poet Laureate (short one) Hey guys, the script for the show is here: Unfortunately our video file seems to have been corrupted, so unless anyone out there is a tech wizard or took some footage themselves, we might be a little short this semester…

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Is it just me or did the people who cheered for the socialist project seem like total douchebags and made themselves look (more) like imbeciles?

  • disappointed dog says:

    @disappointed dog Where are the video clips??? when are they going to be published??

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