Get wise with yet another senior.
Name, School: Sarah Dooley, BC
Claim to fame: I’m that girl who spilled mustard all over her shoes while you were getting free food in the Piano Lounge. If that’s not it, then good, I was lying, and my real answer is the 114th Varsity Show, singing/songwriting/ripping off Regina Spektor, ripping off Michael Scott/Michael Cera/“And Sarah” webseries.
Where are you going? My only job set in stone so far is playing Millie the Bear at the Barnard Reunion.
Three things you learned at Columbia:
1. #24 at Milano
2. Rancho Wrap at Tom’s
3. 2 Roti Rolls=too much; 2 Heights margs=perf
“Back in my day…” There was no 5 Guys. There was 1 guy, and it was that guy in M2M who always forgets my pickles.
Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: Why is this all about food so far? I am deeper than that. I tweet too much? Food and twitter. Those are my two things, I guess. Officially.
Is the War on Fun over? Who won? Any war stories? This is pretty tame but last year Adam May and I tried to con our way into graduation to see Meryl Streep. The Man had closed all entrances to the EC courtyard, so we decided to try our luck at Casa Italiana. It was locked; we rang the buzzer. We’re so wild!
“…We have an appointment?”
“…Ok.” (Fun fact: the Italians could give more of a shit.)
So we’re in. We’re leaping around like idiots, so proud of ourselves. We’re running up to the garden when a tall man with a poodle on a leash stops us. For real! Why would I lie to you! He was very tall! With a poodle! The poodle was normal-sized!
“Sorry, can I help you?”
“…We have an appointment?” (Consistency is key.)
“Well, the only office on this floor is mine…so do you mean you have an appointment with me?”
“We wanted to look around?”
“…Oh, ok! Carry on!” (!!!!! Italians!! Love you guys!!)
So we’re back in the game. More leaping, more idiocy. We can hear the mothers clapping for Meryl, we can practically see the majestic sheen of her tailored suit, we are so close. We finally throw open the doors to the garden! There is a janitor. He says:
“Get the hell out.”
Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Sophie’s choice.
That said, oral sex.
Close your eyes for a second. Ok now open them and keep reading. Imagine that world.
Mac n’ ____.
Who Moved My ____.
I mean, !!!! It’s a sick joke. Don’t be a monster.
Advice for the Class of 2015: Go abroad! Be nice to people! Sit under trees! Sit on the steps! Kiss! Never fart in the library, especially tiny rooms like 211! I’m looking at you, That Guy! Pants people! Go to the M&M store like, once, tops! If you have to poop and you’re far from your dorm, try the Hamilton basement! It’s usually empty! One time I found money on the floor there! Go to the roof of things! Shots!
Any regrets? Never pantsed anyone. How many days are left? Watch out all you brave, belt-shirking bozos!
Know someone wise? Submit your nominees’ UNIs and a few good tales to firstname.lastname@example.org.