Consent is still sexy at the NSOP HQ. We’ve heard from freshpersons about the classic Class Act and the first Lit Hum class, and now we’re getting down to the saucy stuff. Bijan Samareh, CC’15 consented to report:

Attention all first years! If you missed yesterday’s Consent 101 and Branching Out With Health Services seminars, you are in immediate danger. And by that I mean you will probably receive a crapton of e-mails from some administrative body, kind of penalizing you but kind of not. Needless to say, it was an informative two hours full of enough campiness and awkward moans to last you the semester.

The “Consent is Sexy” forum consisted of two or three orientation groups joining forces and popping a squat on the cold floors of Lerner to define consent, define what isn’t consent, and learn about the available resources for safe sex on campus [see also Bwog’s definitive guide to condoms]. Below is a pop quiz that pretty much sums up the lesson:

What is consent?

  1. A four legged crab
  2. What you think it is
  3. Oh man, that thing was today?

If you answered B, you are correct! Other (actual) highlights from the discussion include:

  • Don’t sexually assault people in elevators
  • In case you don’t trust yourself, give your partner a whistle so they can notify you if accidentally start sexually assaulting them
  • Don’t sexually assault people whose cars break down on the road

Free condom cases were given out to house the Lifestyle brand condoms distributed in the residence halls. “Hehe, let’s go put these on someone’s doorknob”, says your hall mate who has never seen a condom before. “I’m totally going to use these all the time bro”, says your hall mate who is trying too hard and pockets 50. “Sigh”, says your hall mate who decided to keep his high school relationship going.

For the Health Services show, everyone was moved to Roone, where a surprisingly entertaining and comedic performance informed the first-year student body about assorted health issues. The production followed the story of three first years: One whose roommate comes home drunk every night (NSLOPS?), one whose roommate has a masturbation problem (it turns out she just likes to practice deep breathing), and one whose roommate is a total slob. The narrative was full of actually funny jokes and a lot of not-so-subliminal advertising for the school’s various health resources. In my opinion however, there was a subtle love triangle between the three main characters, which served as an allegory for space colonization.

Despite the descriptions above, the university holds such information sessions for a very important reason, and those who organize and participate in the events should be admired for the time they spend. Judging by the amount of first-years seen crawling back to bed after a night of shenanigans in Carman or on frat row*, safety and consent are very important issues on the Columbia campus, and below are resources everyone should know about:

*In case you catch a friend in such a situation, make sure to carry them back to their dorm Superbad style, serve them a glass of warm milk (a COOP Nalgene full of iced water), and sing them a lullaby (assure them that you won’t think any differently of them).