Our fearless leader PrezBo is an image-conscious guy. The programs he promotes, people and dignitaries he associates with, and swanky parties he throws all work together for a purpose: to extend his personal brand of badass, “do it live,” presidency. To that end, his office released a new outward-facing portrait this year. Using all of his Art Hum might, former CSI: Miami photo analyst, Conor Skelding, will try to dissect its meaning for you.


Why is his primary portrait only released in tiny?

  • His hair. There is a hole in the ozone named for Lee C. Bollinger’s hair products. Just so coiffed, just so mussed up. Dammit, the man has a head of hair.
  • That shit-eating grin. After his hair, that smirk is our president-for-life’s more distinctive feature. This is a man with a plan. His grin says, “Speak your thoughts, share your beat poems in town halls, I’ve already thought four steps ahead. Checkmate, bitch.
  • The Casio. Watches speak volumes about a person. PrezBo has the power and money to really work a huge, diamond-encrusted watch. But he doesn’t need Donald Trump’s ostentation. He’d rather wear the sensible watch and instead just flaunt the shit out of his raw power.
  • Sitting across from you. He’s sat down for a meeting with little old you! In this most impersonal encounter—a studio photo, for God’s sake—he’s conveying some personal connection. Or trying to.
  • Hands clasped, fingers interlaced. PrezBo is ready to get down to business! Whether the issue du jour is seeing blight declared in NY courts, giving world leaders a tongue-lashing, or just belittling the University Senate, he’s ready to deal with it in a serious, yet personal, way.
  • Eyes crinkled, focused on you. If the Greeks believed eyes were windows to the soul, PrezBo’s are made of one way glass. He’s looking at you. Into you. Is he seriously considering what you’re saying? Patronizing you? Imagining you naked? You’ll never know.
  • Tie knot askew, shirt a little wrinkled, no jacket. He’s a busy man, who has sat across a table from you and given you his attention. Even casually ruffled, he looks great. Heck, he looks great no matter what he’s wearing.

Image via columbia.edu.