Menu CATEGORIES

Connect with us

CATEGORIES Menu
Copy Edit

Butler Archetypes: The Texter

Today, we bring you a special weekend preview edition of our newest feature, Butler Archetypes. Vibrate with vexation as SMS Specialist Renée Kraiem describes the person whom you most dread waking up to on a Sunday morning: The Texter. 

Rendering of an acid flashback experienced by Louise McCune after a rough night in 209.

It is important to remember that the Texter is most often disguised as a Power Studier—high bun, wool sweater atop Splendid spandex—making her even more elusive, like an ally.

She usually makes an appearance on Sunday morning, but never before 10:30, so that the only seats in the Green Zone are right between five sharers of a shoddy six-person. After setting down her bag to claim her seat, she spends about half an hour taking out differently colored notebooks which correspond to folders of the same colors; she’ll arrange these in neat piles, and shuffle them around a bit, knocking their corners into her table mates’ own accoutrement (“Sorry,” she mouths).

Next, she’ll settle into her chair and takes about five minutes to clack on her Blackberry keyboard. With a sigh, she rests her phone on the table and opens the cover of a notebook. Immediately, it erupts with a violent shudder; she must have a text.

You continue writing, undisturbed since you have Self-Control, and begin to craft your thesis: “The internal community [buzz] is the product of history [buzz] which, [buzz], in turn, [buzz], is shaking…and before you know it, the light shining in is blinding, and Low is upside down, and [buzz] you look down just for a second, and [buzz] omfg u no she vom’d last nite rite? #partyfoul, and [buzz]—oh dear God, she’s started to draft a sext…

Write a comment

Your email address will not be published.

 

5 Comments

  • HOLD UP says:

    @HOLD UP Are there people who actually abide by that Green Zone, Yellow Zone, etc. nonsense?

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous this was actually really well done. sometimes i prefer medium rare, but, to you, renee kraiem, full speed ahead.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous shit is hilarious

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous soooo true

  • wait says:

    @wait did you just follow me around and write what i did?

  • Have Your Say

    Most exhausting walk on campus?

    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

    Favorite Comments

    Bro don’t play with my emotions like that (read more)
    No Headliner At Bacchanal, Committee Announces
    March 26, 2019
    Because this is just a stunt to drum up interest in the concert. Barstool is in on the joke. Their (read more)
    No Headliner At Bacchanal, Committee Announces
    March 26, 2019

    Recent Comments

    Bro don’t play with my emotions like that (read more)
    No Headliner At Bacchanal, Committee Announces
    March 26, 2019
    Because this is just a stunt to drum up interest in the concert. Barstool is in on the joke. Their (read more)
    No Headliner At Bacchanal, Committee Announces
    March 26, 2019
    SGA is too emotional (read more)
    SGA Gets Destroyed By Facts And Logic From DAD
    March 26, 2019
    can you smoke weed in watt (read more)
    Housing Reviews 2018: Watt
    March 26, 2019