Apr

15

Days on Campus: An Owner’s Manual

Written by

gates

Welcome, 2016!

Greetings, prospective Columbians! Bwog hopes that you’re ready to enjoy an amuse-bouche of college life this weekend. And by a stroke of good fortune, you’ll be experiencing completely typical weather conditions, quality of life, and level of general satisfaction! Right, everyone? Right.

On Thursday, we reposted our beloved and authoritative guide, “How to Scar Your Prospie.” But why should current students have all the fun? Without further ado:

How to Scar Your Host or Making the Most of Days on Campus

For your amusement, tell your host:

  • You’re going to the bathroom and then never come back.
  • You’re sexiling them.
  • You forgot to get off the 1 train and are at the end of the line. What’s Van Cortlandt Park?
  • You were stopped by public safety and gave their UNI.
  • You’re in Times Square. Everything is bright and loud and you may be having a panic attack.

Other suggestions:

  • Quiz them relentlessly on core texts.
  • Sleep naked.
  • Demand the bed. Start crying if you don’t receive it.
  • Watch them sleep. Up the ante by sketching them.
  • Bring a tent. Pitch it in their room.
  • Accompany them to Lit Hum. Be “that guy/girl.”
  • Make friends with everyone on their floor that they have never spoken to.
  • Host a party in their room.
  • Complain constantly about how much work you have.

Fo’ Real:

  • Meet as many 2016ers as possible.
  • Sit in on the best classes you can find (even if you won’t be able to get into them again until senior year). Talk to the professors and the departments you’re interested in.
  • Do not feel obliged to attend every “mandatory” event. It’s really not necessary to sing “Roar Lion Roar” 8 times in one night.
  • Do some “typical” New York things! They might seem corny, but why not? One Bwog staffer got the famous Chicken and Rice on 53rd and 6th. Chinatown is always a solid option for cheap dumplings and bonding.
  • Learn more about the magical lands of Jersey, Long Island, and Westchester than you ever hoped to know.
  • $5 burger night at Deluxe is on Monday.
  • Hang out at JJ’s. Free food and board games will no doubt abound.
  • Happy hour margaritas at the Heights (goes until 7 pm). For a larger dose of Columbia anomie, try 1020.
  • Find a party.
  • Find the person who will find you the parties. (Hint: it’s that girl who’s staying with “this guy I was kind of seeing last year before he left for Columbia” but is totally over him.)

Carman gates all dressed up via Wikimedia Commons.

 

 

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12 Comments

  1. MTA  

    The 2/3 does not go to Van Cortlandt Park

  2. Anonymous  

    threw up on each other

  3. Anonymous

    Let your prospie give you a reach-around.

  4. Anonymous  

    Pretty sure deluxe now has $5 burger night EVERY NIGHT!!

  5. This is not  

    normal Columbia.

    Be warned prospies.

  6. Anonymous  

    you should have the 'prospie' post the full story its the funniest shit I've ever heard

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