Use this guide and you'll have fast friends in no time!

Approaching a potential new friend at Columbia can be super hard; subtly indicating to that person how cool/smart/funny you are without outright showing them your canon of Will-Arnett-as-Gob impressions can be even harder. Bwog has been there! That’s why we’ve prepared these versatile, easy-to-use mad libs for those Sweet ’16ers who haven’t quite broken the ice yet… 

In Lit-Hum:

• “While I really enjoyed the Lattimore translation, I heard [Fagles, Charles Stein, Arthur Hall of Grantham, Sparknotes, David Benioff’s Troy] does a much better job [verb transitive] of the original.”

• “I feel like we’re reading this text in a(n) stuffy [noun]. It’s obvious that the [any object that appears in the Iliad] is a symbol for the [genital]. Thus, the Iliad can be [transitive verb] as a prototypical myth of [noun].”

On a crowded elevator: 

• “Hey is that [noun] eco-friendly?? You should really get an eco-friendly [noun]. You have no idea how much [oil, water, white sauce, air, energy, money, lube, hair, detergent, blood] that [noun] [consumes, slurps, guzzles, sucks up, chews through, laps with great vigor, chugs]. People always think that  [noun] runs on [mythical creature] tears and the positive thoughts of [non-European country] orphans. [Expletive].”

• “Getting off the elevator on [floor]? Oh man you must have broken your [part of body not integral to walking]. Haha. [*uneasy silence*] Haha, so what’s your [name, number, uni, last four digits of your social security number, sign, favorite Radiohead LP, major, take on intersectionality]?”

Chillin’ outside your freshman dorm:

• “Hey [man, girl, dude, buddy, something so they don’t know you can’t remember their name]! I didn’t know you smoke [make face to show them that you accept]. Mind if I [cop, bum, borrow, grab] a [stoag, stoagy, a ciggy]? I never do this. I promise. I only smoke when I’m drunk.”

• “You really need to switch into [LitHum professor]’s class. We don’t read [books on syllabus], but instead, we read [Eastern counterparts to books on syllabus, modern or “hip” works of literature, Kafka]. You should totally switch in . . . Oh, I don’t think there’s any more space, though.”

At a bar:

• “Hey, my name is [name] and my [spirit animal/doppleganger] is a [quirky animal, inanimate object, hot celebrity]! [Pause for laughs]. Get it?”

• “I’m studying [humanities major]. [Joke about difficulty of finding a job with said major]. But at least [humorous application of your major’s high-brow rhetoric to a much beloved low-brow cultural icon]. Why don’t we Edward Sai-ee our way out of here and check out my [object that can be found in dorm room, not even one that any person would necessarily want to see, you’re really not being subtle here]?”

• “I’m studying [high-earning major]. Yeah, I just want to make a shit ton of money when I grow up. [Laugh and contemplate your morality for a second]. Gahh, it’s all good! [Keep drinking].”