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How To Form Lifelong Friendships At Columbia

Use this guide and you'll have fast friends in no time!

Approaching a potential new friend at Columbia can be super hard; subtly indicating to that person how cool/smart/funny you are without outright showing them your canon of Will-Arnett-as-Gob impressions can be even harder. Bwog has been there! That’s why we’ve prepared these versatile, easy-to-use mad libs for those Sweet ’16ers who haven’t quite broken the ice yet… 

In Lit-Hum:

  • “While I really enjoyed the Lattimore translation, I heard [Fagles, Charles Stein, Arthur Hall of Grantham, Sparknotes, David Benioff’s Troy] does a much better job [verb transitive] of the original.”
  • “I feel like we’re reading this text in a(n) stuffy [noun]. It’s obvious that the [any object that appears in the Iliad] is a symbol for the [genital]. Thus, the Iliad can be [transitive verb] as a prototypical myth of [noun].”

On a crowded elevator: 

  • “Hey is that [noun] eco-friendly?? You should really get an eco-friendly [noun]. You have no idea how much [oil, water, white sauce, air, energy, money, lube, hair, detergent, blood] that [noun] [consumes, slurps, guzzles, sucks up, chews through, laps with great vigor, chugs]. People always think that  [noun] runs on [mythical creature] tears and the positive thoughts of [non-European country] orphans. [Expletive].”
  • “Getting off the elevator on [floor]? Oh man you must have broken your [part of body not integral to walking]. Haha. [*uneasy silence*] Haha, so what’s your [name, number, uni, last four digits of your social security number, sign, favorite Radiohead LP, major, take on intersectionality]?”

Chillin’ outside your freshman dorm:

  • “Hey [man, girl, dude, buddy, something so they don’t know you can’t remember their name]! I didn’t know you smoke [make face to show them that you accept]. Mind if I [cop, bum, borrow, grab] a [stoag, stoagy, a ciggy]? I never do this. I promise. I only smoke when I’m drunk.”
  • “You really need to switch into [LitHum professor]’s class. We don’t read [books on syllabus], but instead, we read [Eastern counterparts to books on syllabus, modern or “hip” works of literature, Kafka]. You should totally switch in . . . Oh, I don’t think there’s any more space, though.”

At a bar:

  • “Hey, my name is [name] and my [spirit animal/doppleganger] is a [quirky animal, inanimate object, hot celebrity]! [Pause for laughs]. Get it?”
  • “I’m studying [humanities major]. [Joke about difficulty of finding a job with said major]. But at least [humorous application of your major’s high-brow rhetoric to a much beloved low-brow cultural icon]. Why don’t we Edward Sai-ee our way out of here and check out my [object that can be found in dorm room, not even one that any person would necessarily want to see, you’re really not being subtle here]?”
  • “I’m studying [high-earning major]. Yeah, I just want to make a shit ton of money when I grow up. [Laugh and contemplate your morality for a second]. Gahh, it’s all good! [Keep drinking].”
Misrepresentation of life on South Lawn via Wikimedia Commons

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9 Comments

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Excellent last tag, Bwog.

  • Real way to acquire friends says:

    @Real way to acquire friends 1. Acquire Gamecube
    2. Acquire SSBM
    3. Acquire (male) friends

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous 4. Bitch about how SSBB ruined everything and is only for casuals.
      5. Alienate everyone who just wanted to have fun. Then own them with your cheap edge guarding Falco

  • These are says:

    @These are almost as good as actual overheards

  • SEAS '12 says:

    @SEAS '12 I have heard a real person say every single one of these.

  • Karim says:

    @Karim “I think you’re confusing the epistemological for the ontological.”

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous The epistemological is gay.

  • Karim says:

    @Karim Also, it being Morningside, chances are all of these would work interchangeably, regardless of venue.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Chillin’ outside your freshman dorm:

    so fucking true

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