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BwogSexxx: Back With a Splash

And Dido, fated queen, drew out the night

BwogSex is back and steamier than ever with a dispatch from the front lines of roommate run-ins and coed cunnilingus—McBain. Below, a mischievous Moaning Myrtle takes us on a tour of the sordid late night happenings in the already sordid shower stalls. We also want to hear about your Columbia mishaps and multiple orgasms, so send your dirtiest and most disastrous stories anonymously to our sexitor at sex@bwog.com (nude pics optional).

You really start to reconsider your life choices when you find yourself on your knees in the McBain girls’ showers. Especially when it’s with a guy you’ve known for approximately thirty minutes. What was his last (no, first) name, again? I think he’s foreign. Canadian? Am I supposed to remember?

Goddamnit, John Jay. This is one of those “college” things I never became prepared for after spending all of my freshman year in a single—when I invite a guy back to my room and find my roommate already passed out, I’m at a loss. Then this senior I’m with casually suggests he could use a shower. I know what he’s thinking. I’m drunk enough to think that this is a wonderful idea, but not drunk enough to forget towels. Thank God my mom bought me two.

We stumble into the showers and start throwing our clothes around the bathroom in a frenzy of drunken passion. Somehow his jeans end up on the radiator near the window and somehow I lose my underwear. But now that we’re naked, it’s, as they say, business time, and I suavely turn off those fluorescent McBain lights. Suddenly plunged into darkness, we blindly hop in the shower. He turns the knob and we’re instantly assaulted with a freezing cold—no, now burning hot, no, now back to freezing cold—stream of water. Columbia facilities are keeping us on our toes. As the temperature becomes livable and, um, sexy, we start making out again. Okay honestly, he’s a fabulous kisser. But so am I.

Let the oral adventures commence! Oh, he’s not circumcised; I love when that happens. Wait, is he circumcised? I am much too drunk to tell. He starts giving me some rather lackluster oral sex but whatever—I am Dido and he is Aeneas and together we are invoking the Muses and singing the song and—

—Shit.

Someone walks in.

Who the fuck goes to the bathroom at 4 am? Seriously? You couldn’t just wait?

Has she no idea of the sweet, sweet passion that’s about to occur?

She turns on the light. He’s definitely not circumcised. Still attractive though. I make a mental note to give myself a pat on the back.

But this doesn’t stop him. He slowly pushes me down to my knees, in the full light, while some girl is peeing. So kinky. Now normally I would never kneel or even go barefoot in a McBain shower, but whatever, I’m in the moment. As I start giving him some awesome and drunk head, I look over at that hair-filled drain next to me. So romantic.

Another person walks in. Then another. We’re trying to be quiet but even the extraordinary amount of passion in this shower stall isn’t quite enough to prevent giggling. They have to know. How jealous are they? Right?

At the end of the night we exchange numbers. I wake up the next morning with a headache and a vague sense of impending notoriety. Everyone on my floor now knows how I do. This is not the first shower I’ve had sex in, but it might have been the grossest. Thanks, floormates. Honestly? I don’t regret anything. I did it for the YOLO.

And seriously? IDGAF.

Furtive lovers via Wikimedia Commons

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39 Comments

  • Anon says:

    @Anon What did I just read…?

  • Call the president says:

    @Call the president A girl at college had sex.

    1. Sounds like says:

      @Sounds like @Call the president: someone’s bitter

    2. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous excuse me, she had oral adventures.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Way to be sex-positive, Bwog! You go Bwog!

    1. bwog critic says:

      @bwog critic This was me commenting as a normal person. Donning another hat, however, I will add that this is not quite what BwogSexxx should be. You have this amazing forum to add to the discourse about sex on this campus. (See Alex Colazzo’s fantastic column in Spec last semester.) It’s a shame to see that forum go to sort of gross stories about hook ups in bathrooms. Let’s hear from the queers, from those in committed relationships, from people who have sex on the roof of Watt or Beta or Butler. Let’s hear from people who don’t have sex whether by choice or by unfortunate circumstance.

      1. Do you man says:

        @Do you man Shut the fuck up?

  • that's says:

    @that's hot.

  • wait says:

    @wait people really have sex with the lights off? what fun is that?

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous I’m not judging. But in a McBain a shower–that’s just nasty.

    No amount of sexual pleasure is worth touching any part of the McBain shower with your bare skin.

  • What a slut. says:

    @What a slut. Keep your clothes on and start studying. Jesus.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Keep your clothes on and start studying Jesus.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Keep your clothes on and start studying, Jesus.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous He said, “What you drinkin’? Let me buy you a couple of rounds”
    And I said, “What you thinkin’? I ain’t the type of girl to get down
    But I can party with you and bring my girls aside
    Tell the bartender, bring the ice and let ’em know”

    I’m on Patron tequila, I’m drunk on margarita
    That Patron tequila, me and my mamacita

  • P says:

    @P do people really go down on people they just met? is that a thing?

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Maybe that thing in your mouth is a shower handle and that lack of circumcision is a used band-aid from last week. Sounds to me like a case of too much tequila and mistaken case of McBrain.

  • 2014 says:

    @2014 Uncircumcised is the best…

    1. The Jewish Vote! says:

      @The Jewish Vote! You lost it!

      But in all honesty I find foreskin freaky. To each their own.

  • Almost says:

    @Almost makes me glad I graduated a virgin.

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous sucks 2 suck

      1. Anonymous says:

        @Anonymous Actually, I think that’s exactly what he/she DIDN’T do.

        1. ha says:

          @ha have an upvote, good sir!

          1. Anonymous says:

            @Anonymous lol you’re so hip have an upvote
            .
            .
            .
            seriously, just click the thumbs up and move on with your life

    2. ?? says:

      @?? Why would Bwog Favorite this comment? That’s depressing.

  • Whoa says:

    @Whoa Suddenly I remembered that New Yorker piece about how easy it is to get gonorrhea from oral sex, given or received.

    Then this article turned into a suspense thriller!!! Will Bwog do a follow up to resolve the cliffhanger?

  • Yay for sex... says:

    @Yay for sex... …but this just seems straight-up narsty. On your knees in the McBain shower? Also, you can get STIs from oral sex too (obviously), so going down on someone you just met is just plain irresponsible. Unless the author happened to have used a condom…I am assuming she did not given the context/setting (just a wild guess). Have fun more safely next time? The author wrote “YOLO” and “IDGAF,” but I don’t know about anyone else…I’d rather live my “one life” STI free, and you really SHOULD “GAF.”

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Now, this is the type of shit I want to read. GOOD JOB BWOG!

    I hope to see some stories about sex in butler.

  • not anti-sex but says:

    @not anti-sex but this made me nauseous. Something about the hair in the drain and the pee..

  • hmm says:

    @hmm Just a piece of friendly ad-vice: never allow someone (guy or girl) to “push” your head down so you are lingering “in just the right spot.” ESPECIALLY in a one night stand. That is a terribly demeaning act. I am not saying that stereotypically “demeaning” stuff can’t be kinky and fun if both parties are respectful and committed, but in this instance the thought of someone pushing your head down made me cringe.

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous Thanks for figuring out what’s demeaning for the rest of us. It must be nice to know better thane everyone else.

  • Van Owen says:

    @Van Owen Bathrooms are only cool if she gives you a blumpkin.

    1. Anonymous says:

      @Anonymous whats a blumpkin

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous thanks for the terrible erotica, I guess

  • Ok says:

    @Ok Fuck this “sex positive” bullshit; you can totally respect an individual’s right to enjoy sex with whomever they (gender neutral they) please without being vulgar, and while retaining some kind of respect for the intimacy of the act. Or even if it is some wild hedonistic night of lust, at the very least dont shove it in people’s faces…drug addicts can brag about hedonism for its own sake too. It’s gross that you’re doing it in the bathroom for plenty of sanitary reasons, but it’s also totally disrespectful toward the girls you live with. I know if I were sick/hungover or even just had to go, I wouldn’t want to put up with some slutty sex rabbits going at it in the communal showers. Bitch don’t you know I’ve dropped my loofah in there? Yeesh. Do us, if not yourself, the decency of being a little classier.

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous I just went from 6 to midnight

  • The Dark Hand says:

    @The Dark Hand > Going to the McBain bathroom for any reason

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous Bwog needs more stories like this. Well done!

  • Anonymous says:

    @Anonymous I’m pretty sure that if the guy in question had posted the same story here, he’d have a scandal so far up his ass that his sinuses would be congested. Fucking double standards.

  • Yeah, whatever. says:

    @Yeah, whatever. Pics or it didn’t happen.

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