May

2

Senior Wisdom: Bob Vulfov

Written by

Bob Vulfov

Bob Vulfov

Tonight’s Senior Wisdom: Bob Vulfov, Nickelodeon fan and the second wise senior in a row to mention apples.

Name, Hometown, School: Bob Vulfov, Moscow, Russia, Columbia College

Claim to fame? One time, I ate a frozen apple in a bizarre, Russian art house film. You’ve probably heard of it. It’s called Белый Праздник. Another time, I convinced my friend to kill for pizza.

Where are you going? I’m gonna stealthily squat in a series of lavish brownstones on the Upper East Side and continue to curate my LinkedIn profile until I drown in job offers. Because I’m pretty sure that’s how things work.

3 things you learned at Columbia:

  • 1. Flex is made-up Monopoly money that will not work in the real world. Trust me, I tried to pay off a gambling debt with it, and now a stocky man named Arturo wants to break my knees.
  • 2. You can play life like a Mississippi fiddle if you find and exploit its loopholes. For example, if you’re drinking champagne at nine in the morning, you’ll likely be labeled an “alcoholic.” However, if you add a little orange juice to the champagne, the whole thing magically becomes an “early brunch.”
  • 3. Even though going off-campus is healthy and important, there is great value in spending the latter parts of your Columbia career engaging in as many on-campus activities as possible. It might be simultaneously clichéd and depressing for me to bring this up, but as you get older, it will become more difficult to surround yourself with the intelligent and interesting peers that this campus readily provides.

So, based on my limited personal experience, I’d really recommend sipping the sweet nectar of campus life before the flowers close up. Go meet up with your freshman year floor-mates and drink some Yuenglings on the steps (then go home and nap it off, you look a little drunk). Go take a free class from CU Bellydance and sweat out the beer. Go to a strange Hoodie Allen concert just to snag a free t-shirt. Soak it all in like you’re a goddamn sponge before everything evaporates away into the real world. WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? YOU DO; SOAK UP!

Back in my day…. Season 1 Daenerys Targaryen had no army, no loyal subjects in Westeros, no khalasar, no dragons, and most importantly, no acting chops. Times have changed.

Justify your existence in 30 words or fewer: I workshop and re-workshop my Facebook posts before presenting them to the general public. I also learned English by watching Hey Arnold!. Two Nickelodeon references already? TOO BAD.

Write a CU admirers post to anyone or anything at Columbia: @Eli Grober, I will smother you with a pillow as you sleep, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest style. Because if I can’t have you, nobody can.

Would you rather give up oral sex or cheese? Well. At one point or another, I’ve definitely gotten lockjaw from both. Only one, however, has given me high cholesterol. So, fuck off, cheese.

One thing to do before graduating: Please don’t let anybody – especially me – tell you what to do! What I did before graduating was I tried to find a few things that I both loved doing and at which I was relatively competent, then continued doing those activities during my time here. I guess you can do the same sort of thing. Unless your activities are racist – in which case you must immediately find new activities.

Any regrets? It’s tough to pinpoint specific regrets because this four-year mess has been thousands of boots and rallies. The main thing is that I wish I went more out of my way to meet more of you people. Oh, shit. I just said, “you people.” Uh. I didn’t mean it like that. I can fix this. You people know what I meant! SHIT. It happened again. This is now my biggest regret.

Also, I guess I regret not pursuing a lucrative career in experimental Russian cinema.

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27 Comments

  1. CC'13

    Bob, I'll miss you. I'm glad we met.

  2. Anon  

    This campus is gonna be a lot less funny next year.

  3. this actually  

    made me laugh out loud. Senior wisdom done right.

  4. Anonymous  

    Bob Vulfov is comedy at Columbia

  5. Rega a.k.a. Bob Vulfov's biggest fan

    I love you so much Bobbo.

  6. Коля  

    Боб - я очень тебя люблю. Ты мои звёзды, моя жизнь. Я желаю, что мы можем поженится....
    Я живу недалеко от твоего общежития. Всегда смотрю тебя в моем окне....

    Я знаю, что ты знаешь кто я.... Моя любимая подруга - Элэнор.

    Пока ;))

    • Боб

      Коля, мой друг -

      Я любви недостоин твоей! Сердце мое темнее ночи и холоднее зимой. К сожалению, я не могу выйти замуж, потому что я не помню как любить.

      Если ты готов научить меня о любви, то я готов слушать. Следующий раз, вместо просто смотреть в мое окно, постучи и поздоровайся.

      *~Боб~*

      • OMG  

        OOOOOOOMG just google translated this, it's gold

      • Грэй  

        Дело в том, что Боб замечательный друг. Я очень рад тому, что год назад мы познакомились. На кампусе нет кого-нибудь, который каждый день такой же приятный и веселый, как Боб. Честно говоря, если вам нужен юмор в вашей жизни, то найдите Боба.

  7. JANE BRAY'S DAUGHTER  

    INCREDIBLE PHOTO PROVIDED BY JANE BRAY

  8. Nat  

    I also learned english watching Hey Arnold! never thought i'd hear anyone else claim that :o

  9. ryan  

    bob is a potty mouth

  10. omg  

    "Season 1 Daenerys Targaryen had no army, no loyal subjects in Westeros, no khalasar, no dragons, and most importantly, no acting chops."

    I spit out a bit of water reading this. I <3 you.

  11. Anonymous  

    Bob is a sexual velociraptor

  12. Khal Drogo  

    "I will smother you with a pillow as you sleep, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest style."

    Or, you know, Daenerys Targaryen style.

  13. Why  

    can't I like this whole post :(

  14. ish

    yo zig, post that gif you made of him eating the apple

  15. ish

    and immediately it becomes clear i have no idea how the interwebs works

  16. on the real  

    I want to be this dude's wife

  17. justin grace

    dear bob,

    i was linked to this from facebook.

    does this mean we can do open mics together now? let's go swimming.

    ok i'm old bye

  18. anonymous

    bob is perfect. marry me you russian bear, you.

  19. Эмильяно

    Bob, you are the best.

    If you are the type to read the Bwog comments about yourself- though lets be real of course you are- all I can say is, "ZoOOooo!"

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