As spring fully emerges, a new mutant breed of squirrels—created by ingesting the fertilizer in front of Butler—takes over campus as the first step in its quest for world domination. These squirrels have heightened mental and physical capacities, and have been terrorizing unsuspecting undergraduates. A few tipsters risked looking into the squirrels’ fatal beady eyes to take pictures and document the takeover. And so it begins.
Today, a squirrel unzipped my backpack and attempted to retrieve a cookie from my bag. Though the squirrel was ultimately unsuccessful, I thought you should know they’re developing new skills.
[name removed to ensure protection from the squirrels]
This guy has been spotted around campus over the past few days, stealing acorns, nibbling on grass, and shitting on people’s heads. He was last seen by Butler, just after hiding his latest murder victim in the trash can.
I personally spotted this thief beat up an entire CC class on the Hamilton lawn for this circular shaped nut thing. Caught red-handed, he tried to run into Hamilton to blend in with other students after, but I have documented it in picture form and suggest we post fliers up around campus warning of this threat to campus security.
The Varsity Show may have trivialized the importance of squirrel coverage on Bwog, but we want to remind you that squirrels aren’t always eating pizza—sometimes they’re eating brains, and you need those for finals. Stay safe and protect each other.