All Bwog really ever wanted to be when it grew up was an advice columnist. And we give great relationship advice in response to our definitely not trolling cries for help. Thus, today we’re dealing with the age old question: should you break up with your high school boyfriend? If you or a “so I have this friend” have any questions, send them on over to or use our anonymous tip form.

Dear Bwog,
I’m walkin’ one hell of a line. You see, in high school, I had a crush on this one handsome, aloof, John Wayne of a mystery man for three years straight. I never could get him to bat an eye at me. One day, though, he scooted on over to me and asked me to be his lady. I was all fired up! The only problem is, that was a week before graduation. Worse, he goes to college way down in Tennessee. Against all better sense, we’re still together. Now, I know I’m a fool to think a freshman boy could possibly stay true to me from way down there, but he doesn’t seem to have a cheatin’ heart, and he’s absolutely the man of my dreams. What would you do, Bwog? Should I leave my Southern lover or stand by my man?

Dear Ol’ Faithful,

Questions like “should we break up” are ones that are answered in their asking: you probably already know what you should do. In case you need it made more obvious, here’s a short and a long answer. The short answer is, to borrow from Dan Savage, dump the motherfucker already!

Here’s the long answer:

First, Mamma Bwog would probably never go for a guy who could in any way be described as a “John Wayne of a mystery man” because that kind of masculinity probably gets pretty icky and verges into “make me a sandwich” territory. Especially when he ignores you for three years. Hooking up right before you both go off to far away colleges smells like commitment issues–he knows the relationship is doomed from the get-go. And let me be clear–the relationship is definitely doomed. And not just because you’ve only been dating for five or six months.

Mamma Bwog had a significant other once, let’s call them Rory. Rory and I dated all four years of high school and went to different colleges, deciding to “have an open relationship.” This was the first warning sign. The second was when pictures of Rory and my ugly twin started cropping up on Facebook. Then, a month into my freshman year, Rory broke up with me. Cue tears and a really passive aggressive University Writing essay about academic cheating.

Here’s what it boils down to: all high school relationships are doomed. You’re not the same person you were six months ago, and neither are they. Cheating or no, you’re both missing out on a pretty vital part of each other’s lives and even if Mr. John Wayne was the “man of your dreams” when you started dating, those dreams are (hopefully) going to change a lot in the next handful of years.

Save yourself the heartbreak and end things on amicable terms before you end up stalking his Tumblr and anonymously messaging him angry poems hating each other. It’s better to break up now and still be friends in ten years than get to a point where you simply can’t stand this guy, either because he cheated on you or because you cheated on him and feel guilty about it, or for any other reason.

Trust Mamma Bwog, honey, and dump his ass. Besides, if Columbia Admirers is to be trusted, there are plenty of handsome, aloof boys to be found here. Good luck!