Shit, registration’s this week. Guess we should pick back up on this PE Madness thing. After the thrilling Sweet 16, the quarterfinals similarly saw some upsets and triumphs, all on their way to be number one.

Round Three Results:


Yes we had to switch to a new piece of paper shut up

Weird (top left): Despite being the initial #1 pick, Diving lost in its matchup against Hiking. We blame this on how awesome it would be to get out of the city and go on a hike right now. And also because Diving is mildly terrifying in a “throwing yourself head first into a pool from a high altitude” thing.

Back to Summer Camp (top right): Volleyball put up a hard fight, but we’re giving this win over to Basketball in deference to the men’s triumphant play against MSU last night. Get it, boys!

Masturbatory (bottom left): Initially this was a difficult matchup. Both teams played hard to show their strengths on the field. But then we remembered something, something very important. And suddenly, the Running team lost confidence in the third quarter, going down with Pilates far out in the lead. The Self-Paced Running team is now 0-9 for the season, 0-6 in the Ivies.

Cathartic (bottom right): In the final conference rounds, we had to consider what it truly means to be a part of the division. As part of a conference, you represent the place you come from. And different divisions represent different values. Some people value being gentlemanly, clean humans. Others care less about this. But no matter what values, or lack thereof, you’re representing, you have to do it well. As part of the Cathartic Division, we feel that Badminton was not living up to these standards. Really, who feels catharsis swinging a racquet at a shuttlecock? Wait actually that does sound mildly cathartic amirite ladies? How much more relieving is it to put on a mask and bell punch that motherfucker in the face parry riposte on-target?

And thusly the quarterfinals were completed. Check in tomorrow night for the Final Four–but we need your help with these, as the divisions face off against each other. Sound off in the comments for or against your team, tell us why they deserve to win or lose.

Editor’s note: all decisions are made with absolute subjectivity, based mostly on stereotype and anecdotal testimonials.