Oh wait, you actually thought this would be a study guide? That was a mistake. Where there is a will, there is a way to make sex jokes. Especially about the great writers of Western Literature and Philosophy. In the spirit of sex, we present our interpretation of how the greats of the Core would be in the sack, based, of course, on their style.
Sex and the CC
Plato: Always thinking of the perfect girl while he’s sleeping with you. It’s basically like you’re a shadow on the wall.
Epictetus: Do not seek sex that satisfies you. Seek to be satisfied with the sex you have.
Cicero: Lie back and think of the glory of Rome.
Exodus: Likes to bring toys into the bedroom to demonstrate power and versatility. Think Hitachi Magic Wand powerful. Provides very specific dirty talk and always brings a detailed yes/no/maybe sheet to every date. Very demanding.
Augustine: Wasted potential. So passionate about God and eternal torment so what if he put that to other uses? But he’s always going off on how guilty he is about his philandering youth so he ends up being a bit of a drag. (He also was in a committed relationship with a concubine for 12 years so.)
Qur’an: No, I’m really good at sex! If I weren’t good at sex, could I do THIS?!
al-Ghazali: Rabidly mocks your former partners, ridiculous amount of foreplay and sexting with no real payoff.
Aquinas: Probably terrible in bed. Remember, he asked, “In the state of innocence would procreation have taken place through sexual intercourse?” He reluctantly agrees, but denies that there would be any lust. He’s all about doing the deed quickly and only for making children, because he doesn’t want to act like a beast. Ugh. Boring. Prude. Afraid to take off his clothes in front of you, showers immediately after. Only does it in the dark.
Sepulveda: You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals but let’s do it like they do it on the Discovery channel.
Machiavelli: Try to intimidate your partner and take all power in the relationship by attacking them at random. Definitely some D/s going on here.
Luther: Believe me, I’m really good at sex. But I’m not going to have it with you. You just gotta believe it.
Calvin: Look, you’re either going to come or you won’t. It’s up to God, really. Don’t blame me for the fact that you’re doomed to blue balls.
Descartes: First, I touch you. Then, you touch me. Thirdly, we engage in coitus. Finally, we make pillow talk. Although Descartes doesn’t want to rely on anyone but himself…
Hobbes: BDSM. “You have the right to anything, even another man’s body.” When he’s drunk, it’s nasty and short. Great.
Locke: This is your house right? I mean, as long as you own the bed, it’s fine I guess.
The Virgin Mary’s Dirty Secrets and Other LitHum Sexcapades:
The Bible: The sex is divine, you just run the risk of immaculately conceiving the savior of mankind.
Homer: Long, with a lot of imagination. He sometimes does things out of order but knows all the oldest tricks in the book. You’ll be thinking about him for a while. Also, there is a chance that Homer may not be one person, in which case, somebody’s a little naughty…
Euripedes: Will eurip those pants off. Has great game, lots of romantic language and edgy charm. But is a little confusing and there’s a great setup for the end but in the end won’t leave you satisfied.
Herodotus: You’d be surprised at how funny he is. Same for Thucydides. Actually, they’re identical twins. Betcha didn’t see that one coming.
Plato: Swinger. Definitely a swinger.
Aristophanes: Either she’s in control, or you can draw a map on her. Either way, politics are kinky.
Sophocles: Not possible. Worries too much about whether you’re his mother.
Aeschylus: Probably a misogynist… we really don’t recommend him.
The only relevant stock photo that isn’t soft-core porn via Shutterstock