Have a double? Have a messy room? Are you hooking up with your neighbor and don’t want your other neighbors to hear you? Just want to spice up your sex life? Bwog is here for you, as always. We’re compiling a list of the best places to consensually hook up on campus, and the shaft isn’t one of them. Today, Bwog describes the very last place you thought of to have sex.
First things first: Watt is a dorm mostly inhabited by juniors and seniors, located on 113th street right across from McBain. If you aren’t lucky enough to live in one of its studio singles or doubles or one or two room apartments, this building still has an option for the kinkier types.
That’s because it, like McBain and Broadway, has a shaft. The word itself already puts sex on your mind. And unlike what it may seem to those who must live by them, shafts aren’t infinite spaces that lead straight into hell: they have floors. And in Watt’s case, that floor is accessible.
It’s pretty simple. Just grab that sociology major with the ginger hair and the slightly off-rainbow wool sweater you just picked up at the Abbey by the leather bracelet. Drag them into Watt, show the security guard your I.D.’s, and call the elevator (it’s no use being fit; the basement is not accessible by stairs).
Turn left and cover your nose as you pass the trash cans (although if you’ve made it this far, you’re probably too high and horny to care) and open the first door on your right. Feast your eyes on the oasis you have just found: an empty clearing in the concrete jungle surrounded only by six floors of brick wall.
Now be aware: you will be surrounded by windows. So maybe people will look down and see you. But hey, maybe you’re into that shit! It’ll be just like Tarzan yelling with pride as he held up dead Sabor; except instead of a dead leopard you’ll be flaunting your imponderable ability to ravish your mate in the biblical way.
Although come to think of it, Watt residents will be too busy with their own kitchen, bathroom, and occasionally living room to be too distracted by your sexcapades.
After you’re done, look at yourself and your partner’s tight khakis, reexamine your life choices, and realize that you just did it on the dirty floor on one of Columbia’s more obscure buildings. Consider the notion that drinking a Four Loko on a Tuesday was a pretty bad idea to begin with.
Or maybe you weren’t that drunk and this was a Saturday, and you actually appreciate the fact that the Watt shaft is like an altar to the greatest heroes and heroines of lovemaking, and that you belong in their ranks for being as daring as they. In fact, start a tradition: use a Sharpie to write your overall rating of the experience on a brick.
And one day they will read about you in Sex Hum.
AHHHHEHEHEEHAEHIEOEHOUAH via Shutterstock