When will the unhappiness commence?

When will the unhappiness commence?

We hope you’re all enjoying your semester so far–you’re more than halfway to winter break! Mixed in with the pride of accomplishing so much so far, is there a twinge of fear and sadness when you think about the impending winter months? If not, here’s a reason: in order to preserve the lawns during the frigid days of the year, the University covers its lawns with sad-looking tarps at some point in the fall. This year, students have been treated to a longer-than-usual tarp-free season, making the promise of the tarp-laden grass even more sobering. Here are some back-of-the-envelope calculations we’ve done to try and ascertain the exact day the tarps will smother the life out of the lovely lawns, leaving College Walk looking more like a deflated bounce house than a bastion of elegant horticulture in Morningside Heights. Not that it looked like that before, but just go with it.

Back of the Envelope Assumptions

  • We have been having a warmer November than usual (with temps hovering in the low 70s most days)
  • It has been fairly gloomy and damp outside
  • PrezBo was in a good mood last Tuesday but yesterday he found a wad of gum stuck to the heel of his well-shined loafer and that made him feel a little bit aggressive towards the students of CU
  • The color green gives roughly 17% of the public services staff at CU migraines
  • Pungent ziplocs of “illicit substances” were found in the corner of Furnald lawn twice over the past three weeks
  • 46% of the CU student body has some kind of allergic reaction to grass

Very Scientific Calculations

  • Take the average temperature of the past 2 weeks (69 degrees) and multiply by the percentage (in decimal form) of how much your roommate wants to kill you when you track grassy footprints onto their awful shag rug: 69*0.87 = 60.03
  • Subtract from that number the amount of money PrezBo spent on those loafers divided by the amount of money some freshman overpaid for their lost little baggie of weed: $567/$34 = 16.68
  • Take the percentage of students (in decimal form) moving from warmer climates who will cry at least once a week during the winter and multiply that by how much you wish that sweater you bought on sale from American Apparel with a no-return policy actually fit on a scale from one to ten: 0.1*9 = 0.9
  • Add the three answers together and divide by the number of couples you’ve seen doing nasty, nasty things in front of Butler since the school year started: 77.61/4 = 19.4


  • You have until 4 hours into November 19th to enjoy the majesty of CU’s greenery before public services, under the veil of night, will savagely destroy your mental images of making snow angels and smiling tauntingly at high school seniors spending their winter breaks nervously trying to brownnose their way onto Admissions’ good side.
  • Go have a picnic or play a game of tag or whatever that clinically diversified group of kids on the college brochure were doing before then!
  • And invite us. Bwog loves picnics (and tag).