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Birthday Baking With Bwog

We were careful not to overestimate our icing skills and decided to go with "bday"

We were careful not to overestimate our icing skills and decided to go with “bday”

Twitter. “SexyBack.” High School Musical. Dick in a Box. What do all of these lovely things have in common? They turn ten this year! In other news, Bwog also turns ten this year, so our resident Baker-Bwoggers decided to celebrate by making a birthday cake. Classic. The twist? It’s (Columbia?) blue velvet!

Ingredients

  • Duncan Hines Blue Velvet cake mix, because you’re probably as lazy as we are, even when it’s your birthday
  • 3 large eggs (preferably not frozen, unless your fridge decides to screw you over, in which case just fuck it)
  • ⅔ cup water. Pretty straightforward.
  • 1 stick of butter, OR approximately 5 tablespoons of canola oil, OR, if you lack actual measuring tools, just pour some oil straight into the bowl
  • Duncan Hines Creamy Home-Style Frosting: Classic Vanilla flavor, because we love our main man Duncan, and it’s only 140 Calories!! (per 2 tbsp)
  • Blue Writing Gel (that we’re not sure is actually safe to consume… maybe it’s edible, but maybe not).
Deliciously moist

Deliciously moist

Instructions

  1. Grease pan with oil or butter.
  2. Blend blue velvet cake mix, water, butter, and eggs in a large bowl, and by blend, we mean stir gently with a fork.
  3. Pour batter and spread evenly into a pan, but be careful not to pat it down too much into the pan, because then it will stick to the bottom of the pan and your cake won’t come out of the pan and everyone will be disappointed in you.
  4. Bake for approximately 30 minutes at 325℉.
  5. Remove from oven, hopefully with some form of oven mitts. If not, enjoy burning your hands in addition to your esophagus (see below).
  6. Let cool before frosting. We cannot stress this enough. We know it’s your birthday. We know you’re impatient. We know you’re no longer reading this and have already frosted the cake and/or eaten half the frosting tub. Keep on keepin’ on.
  7. Just eat your cake already.
Not exactly Columbia blue...

Not exactly Columbia blue…

Bonus: Ten(!!) baking tips from Bwog

  1. Buy boxed mixes. But only the quality boxed mixes (s/o Duncan Hines)
  2. Remember that metal conducts heat so you don’t burn the fuck out of your hand.
  3. Don’t eat hot, uncooked batter. Unless burning your esophagus is, like, a kink or something… in which case, you do you.
  4. Consistency is key. No one likes a chunky cake, unless there are actual chocolate chunks. (Yet another unrealistic expectation for cakes.)
  5. Don’t be alarmed by the color of the cake. It’s supposed to look unnatural. It’s supposed to resemble a Smurf.
  6. Wash the remnants of your baking dishes before the batter gets crusty. Everyone knows moist is always better than crusty.
  7. Consume twice as much frosting as the amount that actually ends up on the cake.
  8. Don’t eat that icing though. That shit does not taste good.
  9. Stay hydrated. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. That frosting makes you thirsty.
  10. Watch The Great British Bake Off!

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