As if preparing for midterms, planning for break, and (for some) drafting a thesis weren’t enough to multitask, Columbia adds another side dish to our plate: the high schoolers.
That’s right, it’s March. Model UN, overnight open house events, and the regular local brats will all be loitering on campus in the next coming weeks, but you have to be careful. Like a virus, these spawns are good at manipulating their form and figures, meaning they look different than they did a couple years ago.
Before, you could tell that Dakota and Piper were 15-year-olds from Long Island by their Abercrombie moose logos and ribbon-laced Uggs. But now they shop at Topshop and Zara, which means you’ve probably already seen them during your once-a-year venture out of MoHi. They’re eating carbs, so when you saw them you were probably like, “okay thickness!” But that’s the thing—they’re 15!! They’ve gotten good at contouring too, so their cheekbones made them look 19 and their Kylie Jenner Lip Kits were so convincing, you didn’t think twice.
It’s okay to see them in Soho and give them mental props, but if you see them in Lerner, beware! You cannot ask them to meet you at 1020—not because they will probably get turned away (honestly, an infant will probably get into 1020 with a South Carolina driver’s license), but because they’re still 15! Yes, their cat eye is better than an actual cat’s, and yes, their teeth are whiter than a Beverly Hills Whole Foods, but you must not forget the age difference.
Our teenage dream is just as much Justin Bieber as it is Hannah Montana. The high schoolers also wear pastel Chubbies, Ralph Lauren, and Sperries. They have two rose gold iPhone 6 Pluses (one to store all of their G Eazy, the other to edit & Whitegram pictures of sunsets). Their hair is fluffy and their leather messenger bag is deceivingly-full. Do not be fooled—they may play soccer on Low and hang out at Joe a lot, but their Uber Black is waiting on 115th to take them back to their lawyer dad’s penthouse apartment.
Unfortunately, we cannot rely on our previously faithful eyes to determine whether the stranger in the bookstore is a 17 year old freshman or a pre-teen on spring break with her Nana and Grampa. But no worries, creepy Columbians, fall is sooner than you know. Brandy Melville and her “Gangsta Rap made me do it” t-shirt will return in September with a blue NSOP lanyard.
Eyeliner on fleek via Wikimedia Commons