When every midterm you have is on the same day

When every midterm you have is on the same day

As midterm season accelerates into full swing, the halls of Butler seem more crowded than the halls of Carman on a Friday night. Suitemate sightings are few and far between. We’re so damn nocturnal it’s like we’ve all gone BATshit (Get it? Because bats are nocturnal?). First year Sarah Kinney has decided to study for (procrastinate for?) her FroSci midterm by performing a few back-of-the-envelope calculations that we all know and love. Specifically, to find out: how many hours has her roommate been awake?

These calculations rely solely on accumulated knowledge and half-assed assumptions. So, in order to discern for how many hours my roommate has been up, I’m going to have to combine my intuitive understanding of her personality with keen observations of the state of our room. This is what I have so far:

  1. On her desk there are three empty Blue Java cups, two empty Ramen bowls, and one lipstick-stained shot glass.
  2. It just took her four tries to jump up onto her lofted bed.
  3. She just asked if today is Tuesday or Wednesday… It’s Thursday.
  4. The pages of her Iliad book are bloated from tears.
  5. Her eyeliner is smeared just enough to where I know it’s been over 24 hours since it was last applied.

Compiling these clues, I can make the following assumptions.

  1. One coffee = two hours of energy.
  2. Two Ramen bowls = at least two meals.
  3. One failed bed jump attempt = 30 minutes that should have been spent sleeping. Pretty damn funny to watch, though.
  4. Calendar confusion = it has to have been at least 48 hours. I mean, come on.
  5. Iliad tears = at least one Butler meltdown.
  6. Eyeliner = makeup applied yesterday morning.

The current time is noon on Thursday. Taking this into account, along with my astutely examined observations, I have come to the following conclusion: This bitch has been awake since Tuesday at 10:30 AM, just in time to make her 11:10.

49.5 hours.

Are you fucking kidding me.

Let it be known that Bwog does not condone this type of behavior. Get some damn sleep, y’all. And if you notice some similar behaviors in your own roommate, kindly tuck them into bed and turn off the lights. They’ll thank you in the morning. Or evening. Whenever the hell they finally wake up again.

Happy midterms!

Your roommate’s panic courtesy of Vanderbilt University