An anonymous Senior Staffer may or may not have accidentally ended up at the Big Gay Ice Cream Store on Bacchanal last year, having missed the opportunity to purchase a ticket, and having gotten a little too lit at pregame parties. She doesn’t regret it, but she’s here to describe the Bacchanal process through the lens of someone who’s never been.
Bacchanal is different from other Columbia events, because it’s something that people actually want to come to. Actually, it may be the only Columbia event attended by literally everyone (Surf and Turf close second?).
The first step in Bacchanal is getting a ticket. Usually, the first few rounds of ticket releases sell out quickly. It’s pretty f***ed up that you have to pay for tickets, but hey, this is Columbia. I’ve found that the best way of ensuring you’ll get a ticket is to purchase during the 8 am final-day release because people are either finishing their all-nighters or pressing snooze on their 8:40 alarm. No one’s thinking about tickets.
After getting a ticket, you have to decide what drugs you’ll take on Bacchanal. Plan this in advance, because god knows the Columbia upper market is competitive. Vyvanse? Ecstasy? Adderall? Coke? Acid?
It’s gotta be the last option. You want to remember Bacchanal as the craziest experience ever, even if you just learned who the performers were yesterday. Speaking of, you should google them in advance, and spotify a few of their songs, so you can pretend you’ve been a long time fan. Anyway, this year’s Bacchanal stars will inevitably get famous through music (look at Big Sean, Macklemore, and the Chainsmokers!) or hooking up with a student (we see you, Rae Sremmurd!).
You’ve secured your drugs, and you have a pregame plan. You’ll wake up at 9 am, and head to your neighbors’ to down a few shots. Then you’ll smoke a J in Riverside. Then you’ll hit the frats.
You wanna go to as many frats as possible. Make sure you have a large squad going with you, because you’ll undoubtedly get separated in the mosh pits. You’ve probably never been to a frat before, but it’s basically impossible to move or talk once you get inside.
Around noon or 1 pm your blood alcohol content will be way past the legal limit, and you might not know where you are. This hour is the most dangerous part of Bacchanal. An easy solution is to go back to your room and either nap or masturbate until you feel better. But if you’re tough, you’ll go to Ferris, grab some cinnamon toast crunch/a biscuit/other filling food, and head onto the lawn.
Make sure you have American Spirits with you to smoke and share with other people. You can also bring Js or spliffs if you’re feeling edgy. And a blanket.
After you get high, head into the pen. This is the second most dangerous part of Bacchanal, because, like the frats, it’s massively overcrowded and you might not know where you are (plus you don’t even remember who’s performing).
You finally get inside, and you can’t move sideways. You can, however, jump up and down–the quintessential Columbia dance move. Yaa! Scream along to the songs with words you don’t know and instantaneously made up in your head (despite your carefully curated Spotify playlist).
Finally, the concert ends. You head back to your dorm, weary, arm in arm with people you just met, whom you think are your real friends, but you actually lost them at Fiji hours ago, but hey, you’re color blind and lost your contacts so who’s counting?
Plop down on your bed when you get home. Take a xanax, or just pass out from sheer exhaustion. Wake up around 9 or 10 pm, head to JJ’s, grab some food, and hit more frats/after parties.
Dance and drink into the night. You might throw up. You might hook up with someone. You might just go home, in the wee hours of the morning, alone to your own bed, happy and satisfied with a day of drinking, dancing, and debauchery.
I can’t wait for next year!
Image via Bwog Archives