Can’t come to the phone right now because I’m FUCKING DEAD

We’ve finished the first week of school! You’ve found the time to exchange Instagrams with the funny kid in your Spanish section, you joined Bwog at Club Fair with someone on your floor, and you even blacked out together at Carman/Beta/1020. But Alex from NSOP keeps hitting you up for Ferris? And you keep getting this weird, slightly guilty, over-it feeling whenever he/she/they message you?? Here’s our answer to that problem.

Besides taking a coffee shit in Butler during midterms, NSOP is probably the most awkward and embarrassing experience any CU student has endured. While pretending to like House of Cards and lying about your summer internship will never truly escape you at this school, it is a great way to foster a friendship strong enough to at least not have to eat alone every 5 hours. But even during the scheduled programming two weeks ago you found yourself wondering, “how long do I have to fake laugh at your jokes about turmeric?” You’re not alone in this feeling—we all had to ditch our NSOP friends. Here’s a timeline of how it goes:

1. PreSOP: You were juiced to come to Columbia. So juiced that you made friends with these people weeks before you all even arrived on campus. Group chats, Instagram follows, even meet ups that fell through. You were so excited about your new life in New York City that you couldn’t help but make friends before even touching down at JFK. Your PreSOP friends are probably the hardest ones to let go, as you were the source of everyone’s jealousy during actual NSOP. “How are they already friends? I haven’t even gotten my fucking ID card!” they think to themselves as you laugh your way to Mel’s, because, oh yeah, you guys coordinated a fake ID order before arriving to campus.

2. NSOP: Whether or not you worked on a friend group before arriving on campus, most people don’t finish NSOP without making at least one form of a companion. Whether you guys choked on salad in Hewitt together or shook your asses in a sweaty (renovated) Carman double, you had a buddy to get you through those damn ass mandatory info sessions in Lerner. This bond doesn’t feel equal to the connection you had to your high school friends, but it’s all you’ve got, so you pour faith into this random person and hold on really fucking tight.

3. The First Day Of Class: You spent all week with Alex, and while you’re grateful for a friendly face to inhale chicken strips with, it was refreshing to meet people who are mutually interested in Principles of Economics. You create a new group chat named “Bear Bitches, no Bullshit” and have your first meal without your NSOP twin. Eating a John Jay Rice Bowl feels like the first time when you do it with your new friends, and you can’t help but feel a little wrong about flaking on Dig Inn with Alex. But as you all joke more and more about how shitty the one train is, you realize these are your people and Alex just doesn’t get you like they do.

4. The First Weekend: It’s finally Friday, and you’re ready to get hammered after sitting through a three-hour Chemistry lab. Alex may have texted you (they’re on do-not-disturb so who really knows), but tonight you’ve got your eyes set on every MoHi destination with your new BFFs. With your flyest fit and freshest flask, you hit lower Broadway with every hope of the night fulfilled. This is what you wished NSOP was like, and what you hoped college would be.

5. November: As you’ve settled in with your new actual friends who get you, you’ve also successfully avoided talking to or seeing your old NSOP people. But no matter what, you won’t be able to avoid them longer than this. It’s been two months since school started—you’ve got to face them at this point. But don’t be awkward! Say what’s up. You don’t have anything to lose at this point, because you have actual friends now, but there’s no harm in being transparent about your feelings and behavior. You will remain distant friends until gradation, at times giving each other priority on Buy Sell Trade posts and trading notes for classes.

I would like Taylor Swift to not talk anymore via Pubic Domain