While statuesque, noble Alma Mater might just be the furthest thing from basic, we can all still dream about what she’d be like if she was just an ordinary student of Columbia University like us.
As a student, Alma would be the type of girl whose rinsta is 100% filled with professional-looking snapshots: her and some intellectual pals next to the Columbia subway sign, her reading the Odyssey with some caffeinated drink in Butler, her in her business casual finest when she ran for (and won, of course) for student council president. But this story isn’t about her rinsta.
Alma would also be the girl with the realest, shadiest finsta. You just know that her perpetual spot on Low Steps means that she has seen sh*t go down, unspeakable matters that even you and I can’t possibly fathom. She’d probably post pictures of her having fun on a Thursday night, but she’d also dish out some seriously great advice to half the student body, half-ironically. Curious about this topic and ignoring my massive piles of Genesis reading anyways, I took it upon myself to imagine what one of her post’s captions would probably read like.
This is what I came up with:
ugh I just took a midterm and I put me in a terrible mood so here are some simple requests I have.
1. could people stop saying “take a piss” it makes me feel like we’re in the movie Talladega Nights: the Ballad of Ricky Bobby. i would know because they screened that movie on low last friday
2. could one of my roommates stop asking so many goddamn questions cuz every time I walk into the room to do some work she wants to ask me all kinds of unnecessary shit like “why do premed ppl have to take math” CANT YOU SEE IM TIRED
3. could ppl stop openly making out in front of butler cuz I already know I don’t have a man and yet u continue to flaunt urs in my face girl stop I’m studying
4. could my math teachers actually teach math instead of rambling for an hour about n o t h i n g
5. could bikers not try to run me over
5.5 could ppl on razor scooters stop pretending it’s 2005
6. could the weather decide whether it’s fall or summer cuz i get one outfit and one outfit only. i physically cannot change. it takes work to look this good
I think that’s all for today. Hmu if u wanna chat about anything i’ll be on low steps, per usual.
Wine via Public Domain Pictures