Ah yes, Columbia Crushes. While this cesspool of desperation that calls itself a Facebook page never fails to surprise us in its pure eccentricity, weirdness, and cringe factor, we here at Bwog realized that all the Columbia Crushes posts sound vaguely…..the same.
So, in classic Bwog tradition, we took the past few Columbia Crushes posts and generated some of our very own, computer-automated Columbia Crushes submissions, using Markov chain modelling. Here they are, for your reading pleasure:
A, we’re often in Butler together. It makes me believe that compassion can exist in our gym schedules.
To the piano in the black dress, CALL ME
Who is the hot girl Celine from McBain? She was in the columbia bookstore last night. I would let her break the day. Damn what you do, and that pecker!
Then your name was (Olive?), you seem cool as hell, and I regret not saying anything sweeter than that strawberry juice 😍 Wish i’d given you my number or insta. Let’s do it MY WAY?
Mac. You are going away, but I am so grateful to know you. Lerner was so exhilarating. I was asleep on the pool table, but I regretted not saying anything. You are so hot, notice me!
How many times have I seen you, who was standing outside of butler and often in 209? It might be all the time, who always is walking around shirtless in your EA and calvin klein boxers. Damn
Stop playing so hard to get, let me be your kavinsky and we can drive off into the girl I met in Hartley elevator no.85 to floor 8. You are ;)
Cute blonde hair, I know BME is screwing you. But I was saying, patriarchy be damned!
Crossing 114th near junzi at about 8pm on Monday, I did a double take. We both fawned over that TA girl with straight blonde hair in the rain. We should have made saucy eye contact in Ferris….someone help!
B, I’ve spent more time, who always wears a polo and the glasses. I would totally screw you, but I was an idiot. Are you single? If so, let’s share some challah??
Boy with brown hair crossing Broadway this morning– I don’t remember where you are but maybe we should sit next to your study break the other day. Damn what a babe!
A, you’re such a cutie…. i wont miss you.
Columbia Crushes needs its own social media editor via Facebook