Prezbo will you headline Bacchanal? Please sir, I’m begging.

Columbia students, picture this: you’re on South Lawn. The sun is out. You’ve taken 5 shots, maybe did a few crack hits because it’s that kind of day. You feel the anticipation building. The concert’s headlining performer is about to come on, and your hands start sweating. This is it. This is Bacchanal! And then you see him, President Lee C. Bollinger. “Yes!” you cry. “Sing for me Prezbo!”. And he does. He sings for you…

After picturing all of this, I imagine there are very few people who would like to deny Prezbo the right to perform at Bacchanal. In light of some recent news about our annual spring concert not having a scheduled headliner, which is definitely Not A Publicity Stunt, I think it is only fair that President Bollinger takes one for the team and steps in. Now, this idea might sound unconventional–crazy even–but I think it could really work.

I know that many of you reading this probably have some concerns. Does Prezbo have experience with college music festivals? Why would the seventy two year old president of the university perform at one? Can he even sing? These are all valid questions that I will not be answering.

Instead, think of how Prezbo’s hair will flow in the wind as he sings about the First Amendment. Think of how emotional the crowd will be when he belts lyrics about his immense wealth. Think of how passionate he will sound in his song about union busting. This is what we all came to Columbia for.

So Prezbo, if you’re reading this, I have just one demand for you: headline Bacchanal!

*Due to this publishing of this article by a certain Bwog, a contract has been violated and President Lee C. Bollinger will no longer be able to perform at Bacchanal.