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Student Feels Sleep Deprived After Eating Only At Ferris For A Week: An Interview

We sat down with a student who got really tired after exclusively eating Ferris food for a week. The story is the latest in a trend of food-related debilities.

Scientists say that food allows us to live. But the question remains:

Why go to Ferris?

Yesterday, we interviewed Steve Gumpty SEAS ’23, who for one week only ate at Ferris, and who now has trouble getting out of bed. We learned more about his illness and what prompted such reckless behavior.

_______________

Me: Hi, Steve. I’m Michael Barbaro. This is the Daily. Thank you for joining me.

Steve: Yeah, no problem. Sorry, little tired, haha.

Me: <doesn’t laugh> So, tell me about what happened to you.

Steve: Yeah, so, basically every time I got HANGRY over the past week, I decided to eat at Ferris, because Ferris is way better than John Jay. I especially love Ferris pasta and pizza and flavorless YOGURT.

After a few days, though, I started getting tired before lunch. Now I feel like I’m sleep deprived.

Me: Have you asked your doctor about Nexterol™?

Steven: I just know that feeling this way isn’t normal, and I’m worried about getting lazy with my schoolwork.

[Chinese Translation: 我知道我感觉这么疲惫是不好的。我担心我会耽误学习.]

Me: Hm. Have you tried eating elsewhere?

Steve: I have, but nothing’s worked.

Me: You know, there was a story very similar to yours in the news. Basically this kid only ate French food for his whole life, and then he went blind. Like, he went blind because of the French food.

Steph: Studies show that carrots protect eyesight.

Me:  __

Steev: Yeah, well, I think I might have to drop my sixth course—which really drags ’cause I want to graduate before the next G7 meeting.

Me: You’re taking six courses?

Steve: It’s doable if you sacrifice some sleep.

_______________

If you or a loved one exhibit signs of going to Ferris every day, notify the National Forest Service at 1-800-TREE.

 Ferris (Not Booth Commons) via Wikimedia Commons

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  • henry golub's #1 fan says:

    @henry golub's #1 fan henry i love you

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