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Columbia College Horoscopes 2020

In the newest post on this series, The College gets their very own well researched and real horoscopes!


Business major who wants to change the system from the inside. Google calendar is your best friend and you did all your LitHum readings over the Summer for fun. Your in-class presentations are always the fastest but the most impactful. You call it “The College” and you chose it because of the history associated with it. Unironically loves the Core. You are the god of study guides, which you will only share with your closest friends. 


You stalked your NSOP group as soon as you met. Arguing in class is the best part of your day. Your taste of music is eclectic and wonderful, all your friends are alt and in artistic clubs. You accidentally ghost everyone you meet which adds to your mysterious aura. Absolutely thrived in Lit Hum. You complain about Butler but constantly study there, due to “convenience”. You disappear at parties than re-appear an hour later with a new tattoo. 


Your drunk texts are always nice and you tip 30%. You daydream constantly and doodle on the margins of your tests. Low Beach is your favorite spot on campus, where you vibe with friends and acquaintances alike. You worry you annoy people with your questions in class, but they are usually insightful and interesting. Your Buy-Sell posts always get hundreds of likes, which makes you so happy you cry.


You run on energy drinks and Juul. Getting CAVAd during your first semester changed very little in your behavior. Running through College Walk fills you with excitement every time. You go to Joe’s Coffee whenever you can, for that burst of instant gratification. You will over-confidently confront Professors during class, which impresses everyone. Definitely had to sell their concert tickets on Facebook because they forgot about an exam. You are a ride or die like no other. 


Serial procrastinator, reading week is for self-care. Your Instagram feed is immaculate and so is your dorm decor. Cooking is your love language and you wish you had a kitchen every morning. Unlike your friends, you love every dining hall equally. You prefer studying alone in your room and quiet nights of arts and crafts. Last-minute plans are your least favorite, and you will only attend if promised a nice breakfast the next day.


Meeting your friends for brunch and gossip at Ferris is your favorite part of the week. You play devil’s advocate to annoy the other people in your classes, and because you crave adrenaline. Your notes are incomprehensible, but you still do well. Currently, you are deciding between 10 majors and 9 minors because you just love knowledge so much. You wave at everyone at College Walk and you follow more than 1,000 people on Instagram.


You can tell what’s wrong with your friends immediately, a quality they both love and fear. I’m pretty sure you are psychic. You cry at Postcrypt often. Dogs always approach you whenever you sit in the lawns, and you have a folder on your phone dedicated to all the animals you’ve seen on campus. Your attempts to cook in the dorm kitchen are always successful. No one knows your schedule, but you can be seen walking up and down Lerner daily.


You think you should be the lead of every musical or the head of every club. You might be an athlete. There’s nothing you love more than that feeling of superiority that comes when someone asks you for a sign in EC. You are the overdressed up person in line at JJ’s whose coat smells like pineapple Svedka. At parties, you can be found dancing on tables or making friends in the bathroom. Your roommate is terrified of you, with good reason.  


All your clothes are folded into neat little rectangles and your dorm rugs are impeccably clean. Surprisingly, you never get hungover. Your superpower is always knowing which dining halls are open at any given moment, even the ones at Barnard. Your preferred library is either Milstein (because you love how bright it is) or Starr (because you are a sucker for a good stain-glass window). Writing a Spec op-ed is your dream because you believe your opinions must be shared with the world.


You shamelessly browse online stores during class. Whenever you go to a library, you scout the place for your potential soulmate, which you know attends Columbia. You have strong opinions about the most romantic spots on campus but will never confront anyone about it. Loves New York more than anything and visits museums weekly. You either dream of going to St. A’s or you already have, and you show people pictures of the Vampire Weekend unprompted.


You smoke cigarettes outside Butler because you think you look cool. And frankly, you do. You dress to impress, mostly in all black. Your interests are niche and a bit scary, but you will dump information on your friends with the same excitement as a toddler. Although you pretend to be too cool for school spirit, you are secretly own copious amounts of Columbia merch. You might not be a Classics major but you give off “The Secret History” vibes. You want to throw your own Bacchanal.


You can be found at John Jay every night, loudly recounting your adventures and making everyone around you laugh. You are either a philosophy major or you took one class during your freshman year. Either way, you are an asshole about it. I promise you, no one cares about your opinions on Foucault, especially not at a frat party. Optimistic and positive, you can sometimes struggle with your identity as the “funny friend”. Please look after yourself and for the love of God, don’t do anything just for the sake of a story!

I miss acting pretentious with my aquarius friends in the lawns :( via Bwog Archive.

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