You know that Zoom thing we all hate? Well, what if we voluntarily did it for 12 hours? Hmm? What would happen then? Zoom makes computer go grrr, speaking generally. The rest is documented here.
2:00: We are deeply sad to report that no one has arrived for our opening ceremony. We decided to have an opening ceremony anyway, just for funsies. *cue Rocky Music*
2:15: Victim 1: Sometimes I marvel at the fact that Victim 2 and I have never fucking met and yet we vibe this hard. Like, truly, our minds.
2:15: Victim 2: Victim 1’s sibling has now entered the Zoom twice to ask for clothing. She has been forced to inform her sibling that it is, in fact, winter, and they should, in fact, dress accordingly if they intend to spend three hours outdoors.
3:00: One hour mark! We made jewelry for each other, discussed Alma and Roar-ee’s forbidden (and possibly illegal) love, and why Victim 1’s dog eats all things.
“I guess Alma would shapeshift in order to fuck Roar-ee.”
3:30: Victim 1: Victim 2 made me a friendship bracelet and I’m CRYING.
3:30: Victim 2: I have unloaded my most recent romantic woes upon Victim 1 who is literally just trying to study for her psych final… Maybe my neuroses will help with the abnormal psychology portion.
“Wait, pay attention to my face right now. Am I not art???”
4:00: Victim 2: Inspired by Victim 1, I decided to do my makeup on Zoom. I feel Hot.™
4:30: Victim 2: Victim 1 has now changed outfits three times and I am in awe of her versatility. We have discovered that Sheldon Cooper appears not once but twice in her psychology textbook.
5:01: A third victim has entered the liminal space. Victim 1 and Victim 2 have a brief reprieve from being on a Zoom call alone.
“If you give a mouse a sense of self, will it discuss if Alma + Roar-ee is a bestiality concept?”
5:10: Victim 3 poses a fantastic question: why would Alma lower her standards like that? Alma is a hot goddess, clearly destined to be with Diana, the Barnard statue.
6:02: We are now discussing our strange high school experiences, including all of our respective cringe phases. Victim 2, for one, kept Hot Topic in business in the mid-2010’s.
6:05: Have you all seen a cow? Please confirm?
Victim 3 has left the liminal space. Victims 1 and 2 are once again left to their own devices.
6:11: Victim 2: I have witnessed Victim 1 run around her house with her dog many times. Victim 1 has also allowed me a few precious moments alone with her dog. We plotted telepathically.
6:11: “If I find myself a man who loves me half as much as I love my dog, I will consider myself successful.”
6:37: Victims 1 and 2 made popcorn with Victim 2’s secret recipe (adding chocolate chips.)
6:56: Victim 2: I am watching Victim 1 eat dinner. I am in the center of her dining table as her family eats around me. I feel as if I am part of the family in some strange, virtual way.
8:01: Victim 2: Victim 1 made me a Sims character and now I will live forever in her Sims universe until death do us part.
8:30: Victim 2: I am witnessing Victim 2 attempt to ensnare a man mid-Zoom call. Neither of us is making good decisions with respect to romance today.
8:35: Victim 1: Fun fact: I have a final tomorrow and that is just… true, I guess. My first timed final of college, to be precise. We are in a breakout room so that an actual Bwog editorial meeting can take place while we wreak havoc and put on costumes so we can immerse ourselves in Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again as Donna Sheridan self-insert wannabes.
9:00: Last meeting of the semester. Not the world’s most serious meeting with Bwog, but a meeting nonetheless. Appreciation was felt, sappiness occurred, etc.
10:00: We present a song on a glockenspiel and tambourine to the rest of the team.
10:15: We are joined by friends!! We commence our viewing of Mamma Mia! Here We Again, the holy film, with Victims 4 and 5.
10:20: Victim 2: I attempt to shove fajitas in my mouth quickly so as to satiate my hunger and not miss Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again.
10:45: We present a dance number and karaoke-style sing-along to “Waterloo.”
11:02: Victim 4 has exited the chat.
11:36: The remaining victims contemplate the who’s who of our trio with respect to Donna and the Dynamos. Victim 1 casts herself as the main character… Victim 2 feels like there is something to unpack here.
11:37 Victim 1 just wanted to let the world know that she just signed up for an unexpected pregnancy and early death so Victim 2 can shut up and take Rosie.
11:48: We’re not crying over Mamma Mia, you are!!!
12:00: Mamma Mia has reached its conclusion. The serotonin has left all of our bodies. There’s nothing left!
12:12: We meet Victim 5’s kitty cats! They are so lovely! One of these kitty cats appeared for a dance number in the middle of Mamma Mia that warmed our hearts.
12:15: Victim 5 disconnects from the Zoom mid-sentence due to a computer that decided that death was preferable to enduring the remaining hours of insanity. We cannot blame it.
12:20: Victims 1 and 2 are once again left alone. We discuss how Mamma Mia, despite being iconic, is also problematic. Boo, making your friends your “side-kicks” and fat-shaming Miss Rosie!!!
12:30: We discuss high school sadness, sexual awakenings, and psychiatric care! We are not well!
1:30: Victim 2: I showed Victim 1 some of my poetry and almost cried.
1:32: “Fuck, these are way too sexy. Ahhhh.”
1:34: “I’m tired of being cute and beautiful. Sometimes I just want to be pretty and hot!!! Right?? Don’t I deserve that??”
1:35: Victim 1: I am this close to buying a pair of pants so that I can feel like Donna of Donna and the Dynamos just once!!! But I’m not buying from Shein, I can’t!!!
1:39: Victim 2: I am watching Victim 1 whisper in the darkness, illuminated only by her computer screen and she is somehow still Alert. I am 3 hours behind on the West Coast and I feel like I may somehow fall asleep before her tonight.
1:51: “Wow, time flies when you’re miserable.”
2:00: In short, this has been terrible, but not nearly as terrible as we thought it would be.
Our single neuron, trying its best via Pixabay