A Bwog Staffer lets you know when the next available CPS appointment time is.

You open up the website to schedule your intake appointment today.

The number of students enrolled in Columbia is 31,455. The number of words you are required to write for your essay due in three days is 2,000.

31,455/2,000 = 15.73

Rounding down, it will take you 15 hours to navigate the website to schedule your intake appointment.

It is a half-moon. 15 / 2 = 7.5

The moon is (on average) 238,900 miles away from the Earth.

238,900 * 7.5 = 1,791,750

1,791,750 seconds is 20.737 days.

Thus, the first available intake appointment is 20.737 days away.

If you can wait that long, you can get on a five-minute phone call with someone who will not listen to you, but might schedule you a first appointment with a therapist.

Five minutes is how long it takes to microwave a hot pocket. A hot pocket is my favorite warm little snack, and I used to eat it when I was 11.

5*11 = 55

CPS is on the 5th floor of Lerner, along with the Satow Room. Satow has five letters.

5^5 = 3125

Using our number from earlier, 3125*55 = 171,875

171,875 minutes is 119 days, which is how far away your first appointment with your therapist will be.

When you do show up to that appointment, they won’t even begin to help you, they’ll just assess your mental health, meaning you need to schedule yet another appointment.

There are seven days in the week for scheduling, and 24 hours in each day. That’s 168 hours.

Your therapist is available three times, at 10:10 am on a Tuesday, midnight on Friday, and 8 pm on a Wednesday, but on Wednesdays, she’s out of the office, so you must meet under a small bridge.

Since you’re a reasonable person, with classes at 10:10, and midnight on Friday is just sad, to the bridge you go.

There are 21 bridges in Manhattan. Using our number from earlier, 168/21 = 8. This means there is about an 8% chance your schedule actually works at this time.

8% of that is \$368,000.

A bacon egg and cheese bagel at Absolute costs about \$5.

Waiting in the Absolute line takes about 43 minutes.

(368,000/5)*43 = 3,164,800 minutes

Let’s change units to seconds, just for fun.

Thus, it will take an additional 3,164,800 seconds until your first real therapy session at CPS.

15 hours (0.625 days) for navigating the site.

20.737 days for waiting for your first intake appointment.

119 days for waiting for your mental health evaluation.

3,164,800 seconds (36.629 days) for waiting for your first actual therapy session.

You should get a total of 176.991 days.

Or, in other words, enough time that most of your pressing problems are rendered irrelevant, and you’ve figured out how to brute force your way through mental health. Thanks Columbia.

Mental health Scrabble via Wikimedia Commons