Ever seen pee cake? It’s on display until the end of time in any Butler men’s restroom.
I’ve tried to pee in Butler many times. Actually, I have peed in Butler many times. And every time, I feel as if I’ve squeezed into, and then re-squeezed out of, a hairy, sticky, and yellow mess.
Let me paint a picture for you. It’s any day, literally any day, and it’s any time, literally any time, and I happen to be in Butler. Naturally, after a couple hours of slowly sipping my Blue Java iced latte, it is time for a leak. My goal is simple—be in and out of the bathroom as quickly as I can. That means use the urinals.
After arriving in the bathroom, I am confronted with three urinals shown in the picture above. The closest one is the kiddy urinal—being uncomfortably low and extremely close to one of the bathroom stall doors, it’s an immediate no. Plus, if anyone else tries to pee, they will have to squeeze past you—another reason why the first urinal is bad. Then there is the middle urinal. This may actually be the worst option: standing here means another pee-er will have to stand next to you, and that isn’t fun for anyone.
Lastly, there is the far urinal. Since the first two urinals are clearly no-gos, the last one is the most trafficked. When approaching the urinal, the first thing I notice is the floor—it’s sticky. Like very sticky. And now my shoes are sticky—sticky with the pee splatter from hundreds of different pee-ers. Then I look down at the urinal, and I see the pubes. There are always two or three of them, they are always misshapen, and one is so alarmingly long that I hope it is not a pube. But the worst part about the Butler urinals isn’t the stickiness or the pubes—it’s the sheer amount of pee that this third urinal takes. Somehow, even through my mask, I can smell the urine, like really smell the urine, like smell it so much that I have to wonder if the urinal can even flush. In fact, so much pee goes down this one urinal that somehow the pee cakes. This shouldn’t happen—pee is liquid, it should drain as water does, but somehow there is enough pee in this one urinal that pee sediment builds up around the drain. I mean, what the actual fuck. Why is there caked pee in the third Butler urinal? Someone who knows biology, please explain this to me because I do not understand.
Anyway, now that we’ve talked about caked pee, go to Ferris and get yourself some cake. I promise you’ll enjoy that more than the cake in Butler.
literal pee-holes via my iPhone