Extra, extra! Bwog presents an interview with notoriously elusive John Carmmenhaal (CC’22), captain of the CU Sledding Team. This is a transcript fans of transcripts won’t want to miss.

Bwog Staff Writer (BS): I am sitting here with a labradoodle named Sleddie, the pet of John Jayhaal, who is this year’s captain of the Columbia sledding team. Sleddie, welcome.

Sleddie: 🐕

John Carmmenhaal (JCaaL): <Pause> Uh, sorry. My name is John Carmmenhaal CC’22.

BS: Ah, yes. I see.

JCaaL: <Pause> And, uh, isn’t this an interview with me?

Sleddie: 🐕

BS: So, tell me, Sleddie: When was the first time you realized you loved the snow?

Sleddie: 🐕

JCaaL: <Pause> Is this some kind of a joke?

BS: Please, John Jayhaal: Let Sleddie finish.

Sleddie: 👿

BS: I’m sorry, Sleddie. I know. I just thought he might have some things to add. Please John Jayhaal, where’s the respect?

JCaaL: Respect? What?

BS: We have here, sitting with us, a majestic creature. It isn’t often that such animals get to share their stories.

Sleddie: 😾

JCaaL: This is ridiculous. I’ll . . . I’ll have the King hear of this!

BS: Please, now. There is no need for that.

JCaaL: I’ll have him enact . . . a . . . a . . . a Bill of Attainder! Yes, a Bill of Attainder. Yes, very good.

BS: A Bill of Attainder! What? Why, this is outrageous! For what!

Sleddie: 😡

JCaaL: <Taking out phone> Z’wounds, hee shall have you banishéd fore the day is through.

BS: <To Sleddie> Ay, upon the mark, no less. <To Both> Then let the interview, like Ulysse, adrift above Neptune’s blue domain, unfixéd to that brytest Star, which sailors, louring for want of harbor, follow unto their vent’rous ambition withal, so as to dodge the scouring Rocks, fain to change direction.

JCaaL: <Putting down phone> Fine. Now, where were we?

BS: I was asking Sleddie when he first realized that he loved the snow. But now, let me ask you: When did you decide to raise a labradoodle?

The remainder of this interview has been redacted so as to keep the sledding team’s strategies a secret.

If you would like to learn more about the CU Sledding Team, you can refer to their bulletin board at the Math Building. The sledding team competes against other schools every six years on Low Steps. Try-outs are held at high noon every other hour in January.

CU Sledding Team in 2016 via Wikimedia Commons

CU Sledding Team in 2010 via Wikimedia Commons

This Year’s CU Sledding Team via Wikimedia Commons

John Carmmenhaal 1 via Flickr

John Carmmenhaal 2 via Wikimedia Commons